King of the Hill

You know, you are so lucky to go to prom.

I never got to go to mine.

Yeah, uh-huh. I don't know

if I should get a blowout or an updo.

I missed my prom because I had to testify against my momma.

Everyone got the most romantic night of their life,

and all I got was my momma sent to jail.

I think I'll get an updo.

The bailiff that had to wrestle my mamma had an updo.

You're gonna look so pretty.

-(dog barking) -(crickets creaking)

I put some syrup in your soda

because I know you like stuff sweet.

How many spoons?

I don't know. I just poured.

Bobby, you poured good.

Why don't you treat yourself to one?

You sure know how to live, Lucky.

I had such a stressful day.

I can't wait till prom season is over on Saturday.

Then you and me and teenie Lucky

can go out on a romantic date.

You know, I would love to,

but right now I'm rigging my truck for stumping.

What's "stumping"?

It's when you go hunting for a stump of burled walnut,

the most valuable of all the trophy woods,

and pull it out of the ground.

I'll come with you.

I could brew some sun tea

and bring a picnic basket.

The ants will get into our food

and then we'll laugh and laugh.

I'm sorry, but stumping is a gentleman's pursuit.

So is sticking and catfisting and everything you do.

Luanne, my life would be easier without this passion,

but it wouldn't be as full.

Uh, Peggy, my steak seems kind of small.

You're not pulling the new guidelines on me, are you?

No, I am not.

I just didn't realize that Luanne would be with us tonight,

so I had to re-portion.

I thought I was going out with Lucky,

but he doesn't have the time to spend with me.

Huh. So I guess you had nowhere else to go?

-Hank. -(crying)

What's she want? A piece off my plate?

There's not a whole lot there.

Yep. Yep.

Mm-hmm.

I've had it since I was 12,

a constant, high-pitched ringing in my left ear.

I guess it's something I'll just have to learn to live with.

Luanne's not home, Lucky.

We're not here to see Luanne.

We came to visit you, Uncle Hank.

See, I'm looking to get more power into my winch.

Hmm, continue.

You see, winches ain't something the three of us know.

What I know about dogs.

You need something done about a dog,

I'm the one you see.

Lucky, your man's making me nervous.

Mud Dauber didn't mean to scare you.

-Did you, Mud Dauber? -Not at present.

He's just upset 'cause he and Elvin can't help me

bring in a 48 inch stump of burled walnut.

It's not we don't want to.

It's all 'cause judge says we can't cross the county line.

Boy, I've never heard of a 48 inch stump of burled walnut.

You're talking diameter, right?

He don't talk nothing else.

It's real, all right.

My grandpappy first found it back in 1923.

Grandpappy wason a church picnic,

and got separatedfrom his group.

A storm came up over the hills,

and Grandpappyhad to take shelter in whatturned out to be the most

-valuable stump in all of Texas. -(dog barking)

As fate would have it,

Grandpappy took ill and was called to his maker

before he had a chanceto bring it in.

I hunted that piece of walnut for many a year.

And then one day,I finally found it.

Set my winch to itand everything.

-But the cable snapped. -(twang)

I went to the Costcoto buy a new one,

slipped on pee pee, got my settlement moneys,

and the rest is history.

That stump was worth $15,000,

and that's in back then dollars.

And due to Elvin and Mud Dauber's... indiscretions,

I am down fellow adventurers.

I've always wanted to see walnut in the wild.

And Boomhauer's always wanted a walnut dashboard.

Yeah, and my rifle could use a burled walnut stock.

And I need a walnut... hat!

And I... Oh, I just wanna come.

You know, in the old days, that stuff would be crawling with nits.

Don't worry, little boy. I'm going to give you the best cut ever!

Because prom pictures are forever.

As are not prom pictures,

which are all I have.

I'm not going to the prom. I can't.

Of course you can.

Everyone goes to the prom now,

even the crippled and the gay.

I don't have a date.

Really? I'd go with you in a heartbeat.

Well... would you like to go with me to the prom?

Me? Oh.

You are such a sweet boy.

I would love to, but I already have a fiancé.

-Oh. -Hey, I've got nothing going on that night

if you wanna grab a taco.

I'm not saying stumping isn't risky.

When you're out there with nothing but chains,

beer and a winch, you could rip your arm off,

and there ain't no one out there to sue.

-(slurps) -(vehicle approaching)

Hey, Baby Girl, and my girl's baby.

Look at my new winch.

That's nice.

Hey Lucky,

the inspectors are letting That's Amore open back up tomorrow night.

Well, bring me home some osso bucco then,

'cause me and the boys are going out.

Fine, then I, too, will be going out with a boy as well.

To the Arlen High School Prom.

I have been asked.

No way, Luanne.

You will not wear another man's wrist corsage.

If you are not going to take me out on a Saturday night,

or ever, why shouldn't I go?

Because I've seen the movies, and I know what goes on at prom.

You're sitting this one out.

Nu-uh, I'm not!

Prom night is the most romantic night of the year,

and I am not spending it alone again.

Luanne, I'm not messing around here.

If you go to that prom...

Well, that does it!

Well, if you go stumping, then...

then that does it!

Oh, no!

Don't do this, you guys!

Lay down your pride and give way to the glory of love!

I'm going stumpin'.

Well, I guess that does it.

I cannot believe

someone in this family is finally going to their prom.

I could have gone with an ugly or unpopular guy,

but I stuck by my principles.

Sometimes I wish my leg was a stump so Lucky would pay attention to me.

-Is that wrong? -Yes.

You should not be fantasizing about being a hunk of wood.

You should be thinking about this magical night ahead.

The gymnasium will be transformed with glitter and crepe paper.

There might even be balloons in the basketball hoops.

I never dreamed that going to a dance

with a 15-year-old boy I barely know could be so wonderful!

Oh!

Oh, Luanne, tomorrow night, I will be living vicariously through you.

Thank you!

Okay, when you dance, I want you to do it in a way

that will make people form a circle around you and clap.

So, what'll it be... the Linda Evans

or the Joan Collins?

Come on, Bobby! Keep brushing!

You've got to flatten this thing out!

-I'm trying, but it keeps on jumping back! -(scoffs)

Who is it?

I'm kind of having a tux emergency.

It's Kevin! You can't be here!

It's bad luck to see me before the prom!

I think that's on your wedding day, Luanne.

Oh.

This was all the tux shop had left.

I thought I'd look like James Bond.

I'm not gonna look like James Bond.

Oh, Kevin, don't worry.

What you wear is so much less important than what I'm wearing.

-(smooches) -(sighs)

-(gasps) -What's wrong?

Them.

That's just Elvin and Mud Dauber.

Go away! Git!

I'm busy!

Who the hell is he?

This is my friend, Kevin.

Kevin is taking me to the prom.

So you're out going to some damn prom behind Lucky's back?

-Who's Lucky? -Shut up.

Aunt Peggy!

Elvin and Mud Dauber are making trouble!