The Mennonite of the Living Dead

So we're just about all packed up here.

I've got my clothes, my books, some goodies,

and Stacy's in the bathroom packing whatever it is

you might take 20 minutes to pack in the bathroom.

Stacy, say hello to the folks at the internet?

I don't know, wherever this ends up leaking.

Jeremy, put the fucking camera away.

Nobody wants to watch two hours

of your shaky-ass home movies.

Come on, this is momentous!

We should document this.

This is exactly what we should not be documenting.

I'm nervous enough as it is.

Don't exacerbate!

Actually, I think exacerbating

is on the agenda for night two.

Aw, yeah.

So you never did tell me what..

Jeremy, please.

All right, all right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

Just, I'm a little on edge.

I thought you were down for this.

You said it'd be good for us, right?

I did.

It will.

I, I think the reality of everything

is just kind of setting in and...

I don't even know how to pack for something like this.

I don't know,

I think you've done pretty well for yourself.

Yeah?

Definitely, there's a few things in there

I can't wait to see you in.

Who said they were for me?

Now you're talking.

Thanks to the good sense of my beautiful wife,

you fucks have all been spared a shitty found footage movie.

Hey, Idiot!

Maybe if you put the fucking camera down

and stop running backwards,

you wouldn't die in the next 10 seconds.

Unfortunately, found footage or not,

you're still getting a smarmy self-aware narrator,

so buckle up.

Personally, I find narration to be a little bit of a crutch,

so I'm gonna try to stay out of your hair.

The story you're about to hear is gonna sound,

and honestly, probably look,

like a no-budget horror movie you get out of one of those

Echo Bridge 30-packs you can buy for a nickel.

But I swear to you it's true.

I mean, there are some embellishments, sure,

but just as true as any of those other

"Based On A True Story" flicks.

Probably more true than "The Conjuring."

I don't care if your script

is based on two real snake oil peddlers

with delusions of grandeur.

Don't stop filming.

Well then, we all packed?

Uh, yeah, I think.

Oh, do you have the tape?

Three rolls.

Okay.

I think that's it then.

I think so.

Wait.

Seriously?

You're gonna bring that?

Yes, seriously.

How else am I supposed to get in the mood?

Hot wife aside, this, right here,

my very favorite book.

"The Romance Writers' Phrase Book"

by Jean Kent and Candace Shelton.

Two people who I can only assume

have never even been naked in the same room

as another person.

This schlock is gonna be my secret weapon.

But, we've gotta get going,

we've got a long drive ahead of us.

Okay.

Andrea just texted me.

She and Matt are already at the cabin.

What about Kevin and Chastity?

Uh, they're about an hour out,

so, they're gonna beat us by a bit too.

I'm sorry I made us late.

No, not at all.

I'd rather be the last one there

than sitting around waiting for everybody.

You know how I feel about small talk.

Gee-whiz, the weather sure looks fine today, doesn't it?

I wonder if it'll hold out all weekend.

Shut the fuck up...

You ready, Pig?

Yeah, I think so.

You think so?

You better be ready

and you better call me by my proper name.

Yes, Goddess of Death.

Okay, Goddess of Death.

Is it really big?

It looked really big.

Is it gonna be too big?

Aw, is my little pig scared?

It's no bigger than your cock, Sweetie.

Okay, okay,

but does it hurt, you know, like in the butt zone?

Not with the KY.

Now, prepare yourself!

Great, just use a little more lube

than you think is necessary, okay?

Could you give me my knife, please?

Here you go, Pig.

Thank you.

And could you dial it back a little on the pig, please?

I'll call you pig how ever many times

I wanna call you Pig, Pig.

Yes, Mistress.

Your pig is ready for your throbbing,

inexplicably black cock.

I love you, Pig.

Love you too, Goddess.

God, damn!

Does it hurt?

Not really hurt, but,

oh my god, don't just leave it there.

Keep thrusting so we can get this over with!

Now, obviously I wasn't here for this part,

but based on what I found out later,

I'm pretty sure this is more or less

an accurate representation.

Wait till you meet Matt.

He is a weird fucking dude.

Andrea though, I was excited to meet Andrea.

Oh, shit!

Can we get a close up of that?

I'm pretty sure that's the important bit right there.

Wow, this really is a long drive, isn't it?

Yeah, at least these

beautiful landscapes fill time though.

You'd be surprised how hard it is to hit 90 minutes.

What?

Don't worry about it, Sweetie.

Insert creepy kids laughing dot MP3.

I'm gonna run inside,

I gotta run the trouser snake through Tinkle Town.

How much should I put on pump?

Uh, should hold about 20.

Okay.

You need anything while I'm in there?

No.

Oh!

Um, if they have any Swedish Fish?

Do not do the voice.

I do a really good Swedish Chef impression.

Shut the fuck up!

Urr da borkers gonna bork, bork, bork, bork.

Urr da flippers gonna flip, flip, flip, flip.

Chicky schurny gonna skip, skip, skip, skip.

Skip a borp, skip a borp..

I want a divorce.

What?

Okay, maybe it's not the best impression.

Excuse me, Sir, are you from around here?

Born and bred.

Inbred.

Well, we're trying to get to the cabins at Elk Ridge,

and my friend gave me some directions

that don't seem to make,

oh, uh, no thank you.

Um, but, uh, the directions my friend gave me

don't seem to make much sense,

and I tried looking it up on my phone but I can't seem..

Oh, you ain't gonna get your internets out here, Missy.

Oh, well, no, apparently not.

It's kind of out there for us.

Yeah, Locust Valley is a little off the beaten path.

But, our folks up here they,

they really value their privacy.

Oh, we don't wanna disturb anybody,

we're just looking for a, a quiet weekend away.

You and uh,

the horny Kewpie doll that just walked in there, your fella?

Yeah, that one.

All right. Well, and a couple

friends of ours.

Uh, we are just having a fun little get together,

and maybe get some fresh air,

go for a hike, or probably something.

Uh-huh.

Well, if you're looking for privacy

you've come to the right place.

You know, the nearest town to Elk Ridge

is probably a good 60 miles out.

And heaven help you little lady if you need a hospital.

Right, uh, well,

this is the route that um, my friend gave me,