American Dad!

So many careers to choose from!

I'm most excited about the scientist.

Scientists are truly working on the front lines of discovery.

Working on the front lines of discovery...

is not what I do.

All the good stuff... that's all done by computers now.

Oh.

I see lots of cute animals every day.

And I put almost all of them to sleep.

No matter how much I shower,

I smell like I'm wearing a flea collar.

I got into being a cowboy because it was manly.

But, ironically, the harsh bumping of the saddle

has destroyed my dick and balls.

I'm so tired of candy.

Sometimes late at night, I go to the kitchen

and I eat spoonfuls of salt.

I don't love my wife anymore.

Because of the candy?

Yes.

A real astronaut!

Okay, so, I'm not an astronaut.

- Oh! - I'm a radio engineer.

That's right... radio.

Does anyone here listen to radio?

Free radios, kids! Give it a try!

It's like podcasts,

but it works around our schedule, not yours.

My show is the morning-drive time,

every day on WLNG 98.2.

And if folks don't start listening,

I'm gonna be homeless.

Is something the matter, Steve?

You've barely touched your canned corn and cornballs.

I think it's that dang career fair got me down.

All the adults... their lives seemed so sad and small.

Oh, you must have misheard them.

Being an adult is great.

Oh! What's great about it?

Well, there's...

You're peppering me with questions.

Meanwhile, my corn's getting cold.

You know, I picked my career

at my high-school career fair.

Housewife?

Circus manager.

But... but you're not a circus manager.

It's a long process.

I think she has stopped talking.

I don't have a career, but Teddy Sraberg sure does.

I'm Teddy Sraberg.

I work in the adult-film industry,

but I don't do sex acts yet.

I drive the BangVan.

You know, the gray Econoline that cruises around

while hard-bodies bang in the back.

I didn't know you worked for the 'Van!

Ever since I got banned from MILF Catcher,

that's been like my main thing!

Do you want to know what I did to get banned

from looking at a porn site?

It's bad.

Cilantro es cantante

Cilantro es muy fam...

Pizza overlord

Rocking Ronnie here

hittin' you with...

A career, a job... that's all there is?

You might think that's all there is.

Live, work, die.

But that's not true.

I'm Palmer Elymas,

and this is The Wondercabinet,

an exploration of the hidden mysteries of the universe.

On tonight's show, the pineal gland...

a small sac of fluid located in the center of the human brain.

The third eye.

The Ancient Egyptians believed

you could vibrate the pineal gland,

allowing the consciousness to move any direction

in space and time... astral projection.

And every vertebrate in the world has a pineal gland,

except one, the hagfish.

You are not a hagfish.

I'm not a hagfish.

You're not!

The powers that be have just gunked up

our pineal glands with fluoride.

Fluoride. I don't know.

Skeptical?

Listen to this esteemed list of people

who believe in astral projection.

Ric Flair,

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake,

one of The Bushwhackers,

and René Descartes.

As you all know, I astral-project frequently.

I've gone to the time of dinosaurs.

No feathers, by the way.

Scientists get it wrong again!

I've watched the collapse of the last bit of matter

in the universe at the end of time.

I know who Banksy actually is.

It's "Captain" Lou Albano.

He's not dead, by the way.

Scientists get it wrong again, again!

You want to see the wonders of the universe?

Just put out your crystals, vibrate your pineal gland,

and... snap... you're off.

Since all my listeners are now successfully

astral-projecting,

I'll take this private moment

to say a shameful secret.

I have, in the past,

treated the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition

as pornography.

Excuse me. Are you Mr. Sraberg?

So you're my trainee,

here to learn how to drive the famous BangVan?

Yeah. I mean, I'm hoping

to get in the back seat at some point,

do some acting, you know?

Get in line.

I've been the driver forever,

so if anybody's getting that tap on the shoulder, it's me.

Beautiful street, right?

It's not just the humping people enjoy.

It's the scenery going by the windows.

It's a huge part, I believe.

Just because you work in a BangVan

doesn't mean you can't be professional.

Rule number 1... eyes on the road.

You're gonna be tempted to sneak peeks in the mirror,

but don't do it.

Oh, damn, that's hot!

Guys, I ran a red just then.

Is this meth, Steve?

It's my rose quartz... to relax my neural pathways.

I've been listening to this radio show hosted by Palmer...

Radio is dead, Steve. Stern is on SiriusXM now.

Astral projection?

Oh, Steve, that's New Age garbage.

And a book? When TV? What are you thinking?

Palmer says everyone used to astral-project,

until our pineal glands got gunked up with fluoride...

The pineal gland is a myth!

Well, no one disputes the pineal gland exists.

People just aren't sure what the gland does.

Gland this, gland that. Let's not talk about glands.

Let's talk about careers.

You could be anything, Steve.

Why, you could be an endocrinologist,

whatever that is.

That's... Are you...

That's a doctor who studies glands.

There's that word again.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to forbid you

from listening to that radio show.

But he's the only adult I know who has

any wonder in his life!

Pff! You don't need astral projection

to have wonder in your life.

Okay. Then where do I find it?

Look, you know I know the answer,

but, I'm tired, you're tired,

and I don't want to be up all night explaining

it to you when you're not gonna get it.

Now go to sleep and have sweet dreams,

or we're gonna have big problems, mister.

It's 4:30!

Stupid Dad. I'm shaking with anger.

What's happening?

Help me! Oh, God!

Help me!

Hi. I'm DJ Karen Shipley,

filling in for Palmer, who suspiciously didn't show up.

Oh, my God! It's unlike him,

and he hasn't returned any of our calls.

But, anyhoo, I'm just gonna play

"I'd Really Love To See You Tonight."

I think... I think I astral-projected!

And... and that room.

That must have been where Palmer is.

He was calling for help.

I have to save Palmer!

Not much, how about you?

As soon as they play a bad song.

I'm not sure why I

Thank you all for coming so quickly.

I apologize for the late hour.

If we're aiming to party,

look what Barry got his little hands on.

My dad's friend left his fringe jacket at the house,

and this was inside.

Palmer Elymas is in trouble, guys.

Palmer Elymas?

That's your talking goldfish, yeah?

He's the host of The Wondercabinet.

Someone's attacking him or kidnapping him.

He... he knows too much. He's saying too much.