The Goes Wrong Show

Welcome back to Play Of The Week,

where each week a new play is performed live in front

of a studio audience here in Cornley and broadcast to the nation.

I am Chris Bean...the director!

Last week, you joined us

for our thrilling, unlicensed sequel to War Horse,

entitled More Horse.

I'd like to thank all those who wrote in with their complaints.

The criticisms offered were as artistically sound

as they were personally abusive.

Needless to say, I will never again be performing my Jamaican accent.

So, tonight's piece is a period romance.

The actors are prepared, the stage is set.

Please enjoy Harper's Locket!

CLONK!

Bravo, Celeste!

I always say you can get the measure of a girl by seeing how well

she swings a mallet.

And I always say you can get the measure of a man by seeing

how often he insists upon measuring ladies.

Now, now, Celeste, be nice to your fiance. Your turn, Edwin.

CLONK!

I don't know how you made that shot.

There's a storm coming. I can feel it in the air.

Celeste! The sun is shining and the sparrows are in flight.

LOUD SQUAWKING

How tranquil it is.

Sparrows are so beautiful.

I only wish they'd stay still long enough for me to paint them.

Go. Go.

SQUAWKING

Emily, how is your painting coming along?

It's very nearly finished, Father. Well, I can't wait to see it.

Where is your butler with that lemonade?

I asked him for it ten minutes ago.

If he was my man, I'd...

If he was my man, I'd have him flogged.

Really, Edwin! I'd never dream of harming a member of my staff.

I grow weary of this game.

Oh, just worried I'll win. She's a coward, eh, Edwin?

BANG!

Excuse me.

She certainly is a coward.

But that shall all have to change when we're married.

Father, please can we go outside? Not until we've had our lemonade.

Ah! Here comes Smythe now.

Thank you, Smythe.

Delicious.

Did Mrs Hargreaves make it?

Did you? Bravo. Wonderful.

Shake my hand. Don't shake my hand, in fact.

Just, er, open the wine cellar, will you?

In fact, don't. It's unlocked. On your way. What a good man.

I made the lemonade!

Thank you.

Shall we go inside? But we haven't seen Emily's painting yet.

Oh, yes, Emily. Do show us your latest masterpiece.

Oh, Emily, it's marvellous. It is the very likeness of us.

And you've included a frog.

Yes. It's the only thing I know how to paint.

What a talent. Let's head inside. Mm.

Celeste?

Cele...?

Ohhh, come on!

Celeste, aren't you coming in?

I'm sorry, Father. Celeste!

You seem most distra...

most distracted this afternoon.

Do I?

What do you think of Edwin?

He is a fine gentleman.

And a splendid match.

He seems very keen on you. I'm sure you'll be most happy with him.

And he with my dowry. Please, Celeste!

You know I'm not long for this world...

TERRIBLE COUGHING FIT

weak and drawn.

EVEN WORSE COUGHING FIT

This wicked illness grips tighter upon my lungs each day.

FEEBLE COUGH

Please, Papa, you must rest.

But if you drive away the baron,

who shall care for you after I've passed?

I shall care for myself.

Don't be ridiculous.

COUGHING FIT

I wish to marry for love. You must marry sensibly, Celeste.

Love will naturally follow.

Oh, please, Father!

Oh, please, Father!

CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES THE HOUR

Time to take one of your pills. Thank you.

My dear, noble papa.

I'll see you inside.

Mmff mff.

PIANO PLAYS

PIANO STOPS

Emily, I do wish you'd play more often. Thanks, Father.

Mother always used to say practice makes perfect.

PIANO STARTS

PIANO STOPS

Emily, I do wish you'd play more often.

Mother always used to say...

PIANO STARTS

PIANO SLOWS DOWN

PIANO STOPS Beautiful!

Emily, I do wish you'd play more often.

Mother always used to say...

PIANO STARTS

Emily, please, stop practising! Yes, I'd like to stop practising!

We'd all like you to stop practising!

You must stop practising!

PIANO STOPS

CAT MEOWS

CAT YOWLS

MEOWING ECHOES

Emily...

I do wish you'd play more often.

Yes. Mother always used to say practice makes perfect.

Well, not in this case.

Where's Celeste? Oh, she's sitting a while longer in the garden.

Oh, yes, it's almost four.

She'll be waiting for Harper to come back from riding.

Harper? Our stable boy. Celeste really is obsessed with horses.

Mm. Horses...

Harper!

Hello, Harper.

Hello, Harper! Oh!

Good afternoon, Miss Fennick.

And hello, Treacle. How are you, girl?

Neigh.

Why don't you join us for supper, Harper?

The thistles must not grow amongst the fine roses, miss.

Oh, Harper, I do so admire how you see the world...

so simple...

so pure...

so gentle.

I ain't nothing special, miss.

I brought some oats from the pantry for your friend here.

Eat up, Treacle!

VACUUM WHIRS

Agh! Agh!

VACUUM OFF

She was hungry.

Neigh!

Harper? Miss Fennick?

THUNDER CRASHES

Get back indoors, Miss Fennick.

You don't want to get caught in the rain.

Goodbye, Harper.

Come on, girl.

Clop-clip, clop-clip.

"Clip-clop." Oh, are we both horses?

Ah, Celeste. Edwin.

I meant every word. Please, stop. I must have you, Emily.

Edwin, it's over! You're marrying my sister!

A marriage of convenience! My father wants a dowry, yours a title.

Nothing more. Oh, Edwin!

CAT MEOWS INSIDE PIANO

You must listen to what I'm saying. But I don't want to hurt you.

BANG!

Excuse me.

But Father is ill, and if he were to find out about you and I, I...

I fear he could not stand the shock.

Then you ought not to break it off with me.

If you do, I'll see your father learns everything.

I don't understand what you mean.

Kiss me!

No, Edwin!

Ooh!

Emily! Emily, come back!

Emily! SHE STRAINS

Emily! Emily!

Stable boy!

Stable boy! Oh! Sir. You didn't see anything just now, did you?

Nothing at all, sir.

What a charming animal.

That's a nice locket you've got there. It belonged to my mother.

Of course. I didn't imagine you could afford such fine things.

I could...

help you with that.

Take this.

No!

Take this.

No!

Take this...

No!

Take this. Don't take it.

No, I couldn't possibly, sir!

No, no.

I insist.

No!

I insist!

Do I take it? No!

You're a horse! You've got nothing to spend it on.

Apples.

Horses don't buy apples! They would if they had money.

Shut up! Take it!