Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts

*

cheers and applause]

THANK YOU...

SAN FRANCISCO.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE RUINING THE SHOW.

THANK YOU...

FOR CLAPPING FOR WHAT MY PARENTS

ARE ASHAMED OF.

OH, SAN FRANCISCO.

YES.

OH...

MY THIRD FAVORITE CITY TO DO COMEDY IN.

HUH? THAT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?

TOP TEN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

AW, MORE BUTTFUCKING PER SQUARE FOOT

THAN IN ANY PLACE IN THE WORLD.

THAT'S YOU GUYS. THAT'S YOU.

PUT THAT ON YOUR POSTCARDS.

"SAN FRANCISCO:

"MORE BUTTFUCKING PER SQUARE FOOT.

MISS YOU."

ALL RIGHT.

NOW, IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ME PERFORM BEFORE,

I AM NOT GOOD LIVE.

HEADS UP.

IF I OFFEND ANYBODY TONIGHT, I APOLOGIZE.

THAT'S NOT MY INTENTION.

I'M NOT GONNA GUESS WHAT YOUR PERSONAL LINE OF DECENCY IS.

I CROSS MY OWN FROM TIME TO TIME.

IT'S HOW I KNOW I STILL HAVE ONE.

ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

IN THIS COUNTRY EXCEPT FOR THE FACT

THAT THEY DON'T SERVE ON JURY DUTY.

THAT'S HORSE SHIT.

IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

THEY SHOULD SERVE EXCLUSIVELY ON JURY DUTY.

YEAH.

THEN IT FINALLY WOULD BE A JURY OF ONE'S OWN PEERS.

IT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE IF IT'S ALWAYS TRUE.

YEAH, THEN IT BECOMES LAW.

THAT JOKE IS CALLED "LATINOS ARE CRIMINALS."

THAT'S JUST THE TITLE.

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

SOMETIMES BEFORE I WALK ON STAGE,

MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT SAY, "HAVE A GOOD SHOW.

BREAK A LEG."

THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID TO ME A FEW WEEKS AGO

RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED ON STAGE.

SHE GOES, "HEY, YOU EVER WORRY ABOUT GETTING SHOT

WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

SHE FOUGHT IT WITH, "YOU SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE."

UH, YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO READING YOUR VAMPIRE BOOKS.

I SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE?

AS IF A SNIPER WOULD GET FRUSTRATED.

LIKE...

"I CAN'T KEEP UP. HE LIVES."

YOU EVER SCRATCH YOUR GIRL FROM THE HANGNAIL

AND PRETEND THAT YOU'RE WOLVERINE?

SHE'S LIKE, "KNOCK IT OFF," AND I'M LIKE,

"YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS."

THEN YOU RUN INTO THE WOODS, YOU'RE NAKED,

YOU GOT TO FIGURE THINGS OUT.

WHERE'D YOU COME FROM? WHY ARE YOU WEARING DOG TAGS?

DID I SERVE?

LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE COMPLAIN THAT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

TAKES TOO LONG TO GET READY TO GO OUT AT NIGHT.

I'VE NEVER HAD THAT COMPLAINT.

AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I NEVER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE.

SO I COULD CARE LESS HOW LONG IT TAKES HER TO GET READY.

THAT'S JUST LESS TIME I HAVE TO SPEND

WITH HER HORRIBLE FRIENDS PRETENDING

THAT I DON'T WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

YEAH.

SHE'LL TAKE AN HOUR AND A HALF TO GET READY,

COME DOWN AND BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOODNESS.

YOU ARE SO PATIENT."

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "FOR WHAT? YOU LOOK DISGUSTING."

RIGHT? YEAH.

NOW SHE'S CRYING. WHATEVER.

I BOUGHT MYSELF AN EXTRA TWO HOURS TO WATCH THE GAME.

YEAH. YEAH.

IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME.

SHE'S TEN YEARS YOUNGER.

SHE'S ONE OPINION AWAY FROM BEING REPLACED.

I CAN SAY THAT. I HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW.

YEAH.

THE POWER IN OUR HOUSEHOLD

HAS SHIFTED DRAMATICALLY.

NOW IF YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER,

YOU KNOW I HAD DIARRHEA TODAY.

AM I USING THAT WEBSITE PROPERLY?

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SIT ON THE TOILET IN REVERSE.

"WE'RE LISTENING."

IT'S NICE, RIGHT? YOU CAN TURN AROUND.

YOU CAN LEAN ON THE TANK.

I'M GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE.

YEAH, THE PEOPLE THAT ARE CLAPPING RIGHT NOW,

THEY'RE THE ONES LIKE, "OKAY, ALL KIDDING ASIDE,

"HE IS A GENIUS.

"NO, NO, NO, NO. IT'S THE SIMPLICITY.

"I'VE BEEN SITTING ON THAT THING MY WHOLE LIFE.

"YOU'RE TELLING ME I COULD TURN AROUND,

"HAVE A BOWL OF CEREAL, YEAH?

"SET THE ALARM TEN MINUTES LATER.

MULTITASK."

ALL RIGHT, NOBODY SHOULD EAT WHILE ON THE TOILET.

"BUT I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

TO ENJOY A BOWL OF PUFFINS WITH WHOLE MILK."

THAT'S MORE OF AN ALMOND MILK CEREAL,

BUT LIVE YOUR DREAM.

SOMEBODY EMAILED ME AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"HEY, DIPSHIT--"

WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, IS A WONDERFUL SUBJECT LINE

IF YOU EVER WANT ME TO READ YOUR EMAILS.

OH, LET'S SEE WHAT THIS NICE FAN HAS TO SAY.

YOU HAD ME AT "HELLO."

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR PANTS

COMPLETELY OFF TO SIT ON THE TOILET BACKWARDS?"

TOUCHE.

ALL RIGHT, SO I DON'T RESEARCH.

IT'S A PRE-SHOWER SHIT, AGREED?

CAN WE MOVE ON, STICKLERS TO EVERY JOKE DETAIL?

YOU EVER HAVE A POST-SHOWER SHIT?

OH, MIGHT AS WELL GO BACK TO BED

AND START YOUR WHOLE DAY OVER.

THINGS ARE WRONG.

THAT'S NOT THE ORDER OF EVENTS.

THERE'S A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX.

THIS WORLD'S NOT REAL. MOM!

WIPE ME!

I RECENTLY STARTED FLAT-IRONING MY BALL HAIR.

COME ON, LADIES. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

IF YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR, YOU JUST WANT STRAIGHT HAIR.

SO NOW WHEN PEOPLE SEE MY BALLS,

IT'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOODNESS.

"THAT LOOKS REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

ISN'T THAT DAMAGING TO THE HAIR?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

I WISH VICTORIA BECKHAM WOULD KNOCK IT OFF

WITH ALL THE CUTE DOS.

I CAN'T KEEP UP.

MY BALLS STILL HAVE THE '06 POSH.

REMEMBER THAT LITTLE TRENDY LITTLE CUT?

POSH SPICE?

LOOKS LIKE MY TESTICLES.

OKAY?

AM I THE ONLY PERSON THAT HOPES DAVID BECKHAM

HAS SEX WITH BRAD PITT?

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S IN CHARGE OF CASTING IN HOLLYWOOD,

BUT MAKE IT HAPPEN BEFORE ONE OF THEM'S

OUT OF THEIR PRIME.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER MAKING LOVE?

OH.

IF THERE'S A MAN IN HERE THAT'S JUNK

DOESN'T WIGGLE JUST A LITTLE BIT AT THE THOUGHT

OF THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER--

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH

YOUR HOMOPHOBIC SEXUAL PREFERENCE.

AT THAT LEVEL, IT'S ART, YOU MONKEY, OKAY?

YOU SHOULD BE HONORED THAT YOU SHARE THE SAME RESTROOM

WITH THOSE GREEK GODS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THEY HAD A CHILD?

* AHH

WAS THAT SIMBA?

WHAT THE FUCK?

WAS THAT SIMBA?

THAT'S THE BECKHAM-PITT KID?

THAT'S "PITTKHAM"?

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILD THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.

PICTURE BABY JESUS WITH BETTER ABS.

THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING BABY.

IF THEY HAD A BABY ABERCROMBIE STORE,

THEY'D HIRE HIM TO WORK THE FRONT DOOR, RIGHT?

JUST STANDIN' THERE SHIRTLESS, PROPPED UP.

HE CAN'T STAND YET. JUST LEANING AGAINST THE WALL.

BIG POSTER, BIG POSTER OF HIMSELF

JUST STANDING IN LITTLE TIGHT PAMPERS.

AND YOU'D WALK IN AND YOU'D BE LIKE,

"I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS,

BUT I WANT TO FUCK THAT BABY."

OH, MAN! DO I WANT TO FUCK THAT BABY!

IF I HAD THREE WISHES,

TWO OF 'EM WOULD BE TO FUCK THAT BABY

AND ONE WOULD BE FOR MORE WISHES.

"WELL, YOU CAN'T DO THAT."

THEN I WANT TO FUCK THE BABY A THIRD TIME.

I WOULD LIKE TO USE ALL THREE WISHES

BANGING THAT BABY.

GO AHEAD, DUMB PEOPLE, BE OFFENDED BY A JOKE

THAT DOESN'T HAVE A PLAUSIBLE PREMISE.

OH, I'D LOVE TO READ YOUR EMAIL.

"I FELT YOU WENT OVER THE LINE A BIT

"WHEN YOU THEORETICALLY WANTED TO FORNICATE

WITH A MYTHICAL CHILD."

HEADS UP, MORMONS, THIS JOKE'S GONNA STING.

NEXT TIME A GOLDEN PLATE FALLS FROM THE HEAVENS,

GO AHEAD AND PUT IT IN YOUR SPAM FILE.