The Durrells

Hello. Bournemouth 2353.

Yes, Gerald Durrell is my son.

Gerry?

Mrs Durrell...

You have just caned my son!

In a just society, you would be tied to a tree and whipped

for beating an innocent child!

He would rather feed the rats behind the cricket pavilion than attend his classes.

Yes, because he's been bullied,

ever since arriving at this pitiful school!

And why do you think that is, dear?

Because... he's a bit different.

That's why children are bullied, you moron.

It's easy to see where his incivility comes from.

Don't use that language!

Don't instruct me. I am not one of your witless flunkies.

No offence, I'm sure you would be lovely...

if you were allowed to be.

The purpose of education is to draw the best out of children,

not to beat fear into them.

A father would no doubt have ironed out more of their shortcomings.

I look forward to a letter of apology.

Oh, he won't be returning.

I'd rather he were taught by monkeys.

Mum, I'd love that. Can we do that?

Don't be daft, Gerry.

Ow!

What do you mean, I'm a bit different?

How could you have stood by and let me become an estate agent?

I am a writer.

You don't actually write, though, do you, darling?

- Yes, I'm a fashion model. - Fighter pilot.

Oh, by the way, I've left school.

No, you haven't.

If Gerry can do it, so can I.

Anyway, I've taken my uniform into the garden and shot it, so...

I might as well leave too. I'm as thick as two short planks.

As soon as I can find a husband, I'll be off.

What is the matter with all of you?

Roger?

Here he is, the unteachable leading the untrainable.

We should go to Corfu.

I've been.

Corfu Castle. I'm not going back till they put a roof on it.

It's CORFE Castle, darling.

Jesus, Margo! No, Corfu's a Greek island!

I told you I was dim.

Darling, you are NOT dim!

You're 16. What's all this about a husband?

My friend Donald lives in Corfu.

He says it's dirt cheap, so I can write there,

full of disgusting animals for Gerry and, Leslie, you can shoot them.

- Hey, Margo... - I'll pack.

We are not going anywhere.

We can't just run away from our problems.

Good afternoon, Mrs Durrell.

Oh! Louisa, please.

Indeed. We widowed folk must stick together.

You should come and have that sherry.

Yes, I should.

Since I've retired, I've played a lot of bowls.

Do you play?

If only I had the time...

and the bowls.

Let me speak plainly?

You are an attractive lady and I am an attractive man.

The children need a father figure...

.. and I'm a big admirer of boarding schools.

Come on!

Oh!

Hello.

Why are you so miserable?

Perhaps it's because I thought I was a good mother

and yet all I've managed to do is bring up one unteachable son,

one psychopath, one vacuous daughter and you.

What's wrong with me?

And worse than that, none of you seems happy.

There's no laughter in this house any more.

A writer shouldn't be happy. It's counter-productive.

You're not a writer, darling. You sell houses.

It's a flag of convenience.

What about you? You drink like a fish,

if fish drank gin.

And I know we've got money problems.

There are no secrets in this family.

There are secrets, actually.

Oh, God, you're not dying, are you?

No, I'm not dying.

The secret is...

.. that I can't live like this any more.

When you were all small, it was like we were on a journey,

always moving forward.

And now we've stopped moving forward

and we are sinking.

So, for once in my life, Larry, I have decided...

.. to take your advice.

Which advice?

You know, a taxi would probably cost the same as a banana in Bournemouth.

We should start as we mean to go on.

Wanting to kill each other?

Economising.

Look, I can see the village

up ahead. Look.

You are not serious.

Now, look, the house sale barely covered our debts.

We have no money.

I have a miserly widow's pension.

- You are a miserly widow. - Be quiet!

And you all earn precisely nothing.

We are not on holiday.

We are here to live like local people,

in joy and togetherness,

without the trappings of so-called civilisation,

which, as far as I can tell,

basically means cruelty and alienation.

It's going to be wonderful.

Don't talk to him. Everybody here only speaks Greek, anyway.

- Hi. You peoples want a taxi? - No.

- Yes. - Absolutely.

- Where are you going? - We like walking.

Ignore her. We're going to that guesthouse in the far, far distance.

- That's a nice motor. - It's American.

Nothing like it on Corfu.

- Spiros Halikiopoulos. - Leslie.

- Margo. - Larry.

I'm... Mrs Durrell.

The mother.

The most important person.

I'll get your luggage.

- Where's Gerry? - Gerry?

- There's a lizard. - It's a tree with a lizard on it.

How could that possibly be interesting? - Gerry!

You's very pale.

- Yes, we plan to a lot of sunbathing. - No, we don't.

- It's the main reason we came here. - No, it isn't.

- How long are you staying? - We don't know.

But, well, we don't have a house to go back to in England.

Honest to God, if I wasn't Greek, I'd like to be English.

Oh. Thank you.

Oh, this must be it.

No, you don't stay here. Too expensive.

Lots of empty houses on the island. I'll find you one.

Yes. Good.

Mrs Durrells! Come!

Gerry! There's a zoo in the lavatory!

Wow!

I'm sleeping in the lavatory!

I can't believe the Customs let you through with those.

I just think they know self-defence is vital in today's unsure world.

- I think you should marry Spiros. - I don't want to marry again.

But he was wearing a wedding ring... - Oh.

.. and he had a photograph of his wife and children on the dashboard.

I thought that was the Greek royal family.

Why would he have a photo of them?

- Where's the..? - Oh, there's no electricity on Corfu.

I get some more discounts, Mrs Durrells.

Ah, we really need to get some beds.

Gerry? Gerry? Wellingtons.

- Why? - The snakes.

Here.

Oh... and this.

- What? - So you can be seen.

- Mum, I'm sure it's fine. - There we are.

And er...

don't... do anything.

Bye!

Bye, Mother. See you later.

Oh. Margo!

- Show me. - What?

You know what.

Margo, this is not Bournemouth.

I know. I presume that's why we're here.

The Greeks can be very conservative.

In my day, young ladies avoided the sun.

Well, in my day, which is now, we don't.

Book?

Good girl. And don't just use it as a pillow.

Right. Starting now.

At last.

Oh, Leslie, will you help me, darling, with the...

I'm afraid not. I'm too busy.

Erm... kalimera.

Kalimera.

That was excellent. Do you have any more Greek?

No, we've only been here one day.

Oh. Welcome.

Have you seen one of those before?

- No. - The nest of an Egyptian vulture.

Its party piece is breaking eggs it wants to eat

by throwing pebbles at them.

It's very rare for birds to use tools.

Oh, sorry, you probably knew that.

No.

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Do you have kumquats in Hampshire?

I don't think so. It's mainly apples...

.. and cabbage.

Apples are not good in Corfu.

We are pretty sure, in the Bible, Eve was tempted by a kumquat.

- That's a tiny joke. - Oh!