2 Broke Girls

Hey, Earl.

You girls are back from Hollywood already?

Time sure does move fast.

We haven't left yet.

Time sure does move slow,

especially when you are as high as I am right now.

There's a car waiting out front to take us to the airport.

The only thing better than a town car

is a getting-out-of-town car.

And I came in to say

there's a car waiting for me out front,

and it's not a police car!

Ha!

I knew you two weren't going to LA.

I knew you were just pulling my chain.

You know, when I pull your chain,

you go, "Whoo-hoo-hoo."

No studio would fly you two cross-country

just to discuss a movie about Caroline

losing all her money.

That's almost as funny as that time Caroline said

she reported the diner to the health department.

Which reminds me, Han, there's something here for you

from the health department.

Han, we really are going to LA.

In fact, they're already talking to the Keebler Elf

about playing you in my movie.

It's between him and the Asian daughter

from "Modern Family."

Ha!

This is almost as funny as that time Max said

she registered me as a sex offender down at city hall.

Han, there's also something here for you from city hall.

Girls, what happened?

Are you on the no-fly list too?

You hide a six-pack of batteries in your junk once,

and you're grounded for life.

Let's just go and never look back.

Oh, my God.

This can't be our room.

This is so sweet.

Is that why they call it that?

Terrace! Terrace!

Staircase! Staircase! Oh, my God.

Take a picture before they realize there's been a mistake

and put me back in coach.

These are the only 12 steps anyone's gonna get me to take.

Now me. Now me. Terrace. Terrace.

The view.

Oh, I need to get a picture of me with the view.

This is so awesome.

Our view at home is just a painting of a view

in the neighbor's apartment.

Oops, careful of that railing.

Three out-of-work actresses "slipped and fell"

from there last pilot season.

One fall is an accident, three an epidemic.

Ooh, look. We each get a pet.

Well, I'm Lawrence, the hotel's general manager.

I upgraded you.

You were supposed to be in a room with two queens...

well, three if I was in it.

Thank you so much, Lawrence.

That's really amazing of you.

But why would you upgrade us?

Are you nuts?

That's like asking a teacher if there's weekend homework.

Well, I heard you were in LA for a movie meeting,

and, well, keep me in mind.

Absolutely.

For what?

A part.

I'm also an actor.

I'm very versatile.

I can play a gay dad, a gay executive,

a gay priest.

Is there any other kind?

I can also play straight.

Just ask my ex-wife Beth.

But she really should have suspected.

We would get into such knockdowns about the pesto.

- Lawrence, I'm confused. - About what?

Gay guys care a lot about pesto.

Aren't you the hotel's general manager?

Yep, for the last 20 years, until I get my big break.

So keep me in mind.

Also, Ms. Black, your luggage is still lost,

like me in my early f... thirties.

Enjoy the place. It's all yours.

This is Lawrence.

The place is all ours!

The place is all ours!

Hi. You have to get out...

For about an hour.

Go eat. It's almost dinnertime.

I'll put your name on the list at our restaurant.

And I'm sorry about this.

It's just that I have an A-list movie star

who wants to have an "impromptu private meeting" here.

Is this like a Travolta masseuse kind of thing?

I said "A-list."

Lawrence said we were on a list,

so why are we still stuck out here?

And don't blame my smelly shirt, because Johnny Depp,

who's sitting over there, smells way worse.

Why are you two still at the bar?

Didn't you speak to Claude?

Which snotty gay guy is he?

Look, not everyone in this hotel is gay.

But Claude is hands-down-my-pants the gayest.

I also came to apologize for asking you for a part...

without showing you my reel.

Come with me.

The Wi-Fi's better by that fountain

that Whoopi Goldberg peed in.

I'll be right back, Max

I have a feeling his reel is real short.

- Ooh, Claude? Are you Claude? - Mm.

I'm sorry you had to be a baby named Claude.

I'm on the list.

- Name? - Max Black.

No.

Yes, Max Black.

Uh, no.

Yep, that's me, Caroline Channing.

I'm with her. We're here together.

No.

Dude, don't make me hit you.

Max.

Max Black. Max, over here.

Claude, she's with me.

Very good.

Just so you know, I'm not a hooker.

Oh, I know.

Prostitutes don't have such a tough time

getting past the maître d' here.

I'm Randy.

Sit?

And what makes you think I would need to hire

a hooker to have dinner with?

Oh, I didn't think you were a john.

I thought you were a pimp.

- Not a pimp. - Uh, not buying it.

Who else would wear five silver rings?

Every straight guy in LA over 40?

Wow, not a pimp, not gay.

You're really putting it all right out there.

You have to be from New York.

No, Brooklyn,

New York City's trashy little cousin with hep C.

Wow, hooker, hep C.

You're really putting it all out there.

Can I buy you a drink?

A house?

There you are.

Hi. I'm Caroline. I'm...

- Leaving. - What?

Go. I just got bumped up to first.

Livin' in LA and lovin' my life.

Hi, Sophie. How are you?

Oh, not too good.

Yeah, I thought I called Max's phone.

Is that the adoption agency?

Did you tell them we liked that couple

who didn't plan on a 14th?

No, it's not the agency.

I called to talk to Max, but I got Caroline's

"my life doesn't suck anymore" podcast.

Well, Sophie, Max isn't here.

She met this really cute guy...

Max already got laid!

That's why I love LA.

Hey, way back in the day, I was all up and down the Strip.

Now I'm excited if I get up and down the step.

Sophie, Max didn't come home last night,

but we don't know that she got laid.

Oh, she did...

By a lawyer.

And the verdict is in: hot.

Hey, Max, how hung was his jury?

Sophie, I have to go.

We have a meeting at the movie studio.

Call you later, Max.

I want details.

Helmet or turtleneck?

Oh, my God. I'm exhausted.

From all the sex?

No, we went on a hike this morning.

LA hookups are so healthy.

You exercised? Outside?

Oh, you must really like this guy.

Well, I've never had sex with a lawyer

that wasn't court-appointed.

I'm so happy for you.

And he's a lawyer?

What, like, an entertainment lawyer?

Yep, he handles Bradley Cooper, Nicole Kidman,

George Clooney, and... my Clooney.

Morning. Got news about your luggage.

- It's here? - No.