Deli Boys

Hit me with a shrimp, my man.

That's a hot shrimp.

We're having so much fun!

You're gonna be a deli mogul like your Baba, baby.

And you're gonna be Mrs. Deli Mogul.

I'm just glad that we could treat our ladies

the way they're supposed to be treated again.

-By buying them shit. Cheers! -Yes.

It's not about the money for me,

and that's what my aura photo says.

You see that? That's love.

You know what that is? It's a waste of $40 each.

But guess what? We got it like that.

Look at this gorgeous metaphysical stew.

Ooh, wait. Let me see. What's that?

Probably just like a deep booger.

-Ew. -Mm, no, babe.

You're holding onto something that causes you great stress.

Does that resonate as true for you?

Well, actually...

That's impossible because working at a deli

is the least stressful job you can have,

especially when you're crushing it like my big bro is. Right?

-Right, yeah. -Okay. But I think

-it's worth exploring that... - No, it's actually not.

We should focus on pleasure and not business.

My man, shrimp me.

-Oh! -

That is a hot shrimp.

Oh, give me a shrimp kiss.

Mm.

I got eyes on these fart knockers.

Oh, my God, I love it.

This is the best day of my life!

I can't keep living this lie.

You saw my aura photo.

Holding in all this morally dubious shit

is affecting my metaphysical health, man.

Raj, we're in a criminal business.

We have to learn how to compartmentalize.

That's why I have compartments.

My heart keeps telling me I need

to examine this shit with my shaman.

But obviously that's not an option

because my shaman is my girlfriend.

-Oh, my God. -

Boys.

Ali's out today. Colonoscopy.

Eats like an 8-year-old, that's what he gets.

So I need you to

make a drop in West Philly.

I'm sorry. A drop? As in of drugs?

Yeah. Sometimes you have to do the thing.

Business is expanding. We have to wear lots of different hats.

Hats. Hats made of lies.

What's wrong with him?

He got a black dot on his aura photo.

Right in my temple area.

We all took them. It's actually pretty fun.

Mine was green for money, so I think that's...

Sorry I asked. Off you go.

Can't we get, like, a TaskRabbit to do it

or, like, Ahmed Uncle?

Did Ahmed Uncle get fired

after the whole Paki Blinders thing?

No, but I told him to stay the fuck home

until he grovels for my forgiveness.

He sent me an email, clearly written by AI.

That's actually kind of impressive.

I've seen him try to use a computer.

-It's not pretty. -Yeah, he's bad.

Chalo, chalo. We are so close to being

on the right side up with the Peruvians.

So I just want you to take 10 jars of achar to West Philly.

I can't. I have the wedding tasting with Bushra and her mom.

-Raj, you do it. -I can't go, okay?

I gotta go with him to protect him from Bushra's mom.

What is this? Number one kaamchor, number two ka...

What th-the fuck is going on here?

Seema's been bullying me ever since I lost

my money status and perfect credit score.

Can't blame her. So I had to take...

Wait. Can you come?

Come on. You're like the scariest person I know.

You hit us all the time. You yell at us.

It could be like a good match.

-It's true. - You're angry.

You have a gun. You've killed people before.

Ca-can you come? Please?

First of all, thank you.

And then secondly, uh, Seema sounds like a nightmare.

I would love to go!

Yes! It's gonna be like The Real Housewives of Karachi.

Raj, you are doing the drop.

-You okay? - Yeah.

He's in tip-top shape. Don't ask again.

Thank you.

Sir, here she comes. This is my asset.

So, if you could please let me take the lead.

Oh, yeah, Mercer. You got it.

Okay.

Prairie, this is Director Simpson.

We've been assessing your performance as an informant,

and there's a strong chance that you are the worst mole

in the history of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Okay, well, your roots are showing.

-Whoa. -Don't do that.

What is this? Good cop, cat cop?

You can use that.

You're highly unreliable, but you are on the inside.

So we're gonna try a different tactic.

Is that a wire?

Not just a wire. The wire.

The Tag 5 Phantom has captured evidence

on some of the baddest.

I had some luck with it myself.

You know what? This is awesome.

I'm gonna wear this and show you that Raj isn't a criminal

and you're wasting your energy.

You have got to be the first mole

that's ever been excited to wear a wire.

Well, I was pretty stoked to wear it.

Does she know about my time undercover?

I'm not getting a sense that she does.

I don't.

It's pretty epic. Do you want the whole story?

Are you familiar with some of America's greatest heroes?

Thoughts on the actual menu before we go to food?

I always felt the font should be...

Italicized.

We always do that. - You do that all the time.

She says everything I say, my little baby.

We're kinda like that too, you know?

- -

-Mini-me. -Mir, honey. What do you think?

Um. Hmm?

This particular italicized font

kind of makes the "I" in Mir look a little, um...

A little what, Mir?

I don't know the right word. I wanna say penis-y.

It looks penis-y?

Mom, does it look penis-y?

I don't want it to look penis-y.

Is that what your penis looks like?

But how about this other one, you know?

How about the other one?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Thanks for taking me to West Philly.

Of course, baby.

Damn. We haven't ridden in Old Woody together in forever.

Right?

Oh, man.

I miss this.

You wanna take a joint ride like we used to?

I don't wanna be stoned

until we have a chance to talk about something...

It's a Sunset Sherbert Donut with Skittles rosin.

Alright. Light 'er up.

It's really more of a tasting than a drinking.

Mm. Number four.

Partial to the Mir-garitas, what can I say?

Yeah, despite the name, they're lovely.

Ooh, that has a little too much jalapeño.

-Don't you think, Lucky Aunty? -Mm-mm.

Oh, Bushy, he's got the gastrointestinal lining

of a white boy.

- -Ammi...

Yes. Like any hardworking go-getter, Mir has acid reflux.

- Thank you. -Yes.

It must be very hard counting coins at a cash register.

Ammi, Mir is working hard.

He's gonna be such a good provider.

Yeah, I'm working on it as we speak. Big deals.

We're gonna be so rich.

Mir, honey, try the Bush-tini. It has a hint of lavender.

It's better for your tummy.

-I have my own. -Then try mine.

- Doesn't it smell good? -Mm. Tastes like you.

- Mir! -Mm-hmm.

-Yeah? - My mom is...

Young love. I don't get it.

I don't get old love either, to be honest.

-You okay, Mir? -Uh-huh. I'm so good.

Let's get another round of Mir-garitas.

We're having fun!

- -

Oh, fuck.

And basically the experiment proves

that everything is a hologram.

Like, all of existence is a projection.

Okay. So if we look at something, it exists.

And as soon as you look away,

poof, it stops existing.

Then we better not stop looking at each other.