Bored to Death

There's no easy way to say this.

You have stage 2 prostate cancer.

Is stage 2 good?

Because I would like a good stage.

I want to be exclusive with Warren.

- Calm down or I'll ventilate you. - Ventilate?

- ( Rings ) - Hello?

I want you to bring $20,000

or your weird little friend here is going to die.

G4 rubber-bullet guns. You need this. No discussion.

- ( Coughing ) - Oh!

Why did your friend park on the lawn?

- Mom, he's not my friend. - You got the money?

New Jersey sucks!

Well, that was just rude.

you know, I blame myself for this prostate cancer.

If you have a character flaw,

you're susceptible to disease in that area.

What do you mean? I don't understand.

It's a new theory of mine. For example,

I had a great aunt who lived up in Newport.

She used her beauty selfishly...

got married four times, always for money.

And then she had sinus cancer

and her nose had to be removed.

- Oh my God, the nose. - I know, very disfiguring.

Now there's me. You know, I've been sexually out of control

for 40 years.

I mean, I've torn through people's lives.

So my punishment is prostate cancer.

George, you're being way too hard on yourself.

It's not good for your immune system.

No, I'm not being too hard, Jonathan.

I've been selfish. I've been living like a demented God.

Well, I wish I could live like a demented God.

I've been living like a demented loser.

No, this is about me.

Look, I'm the only one who's allowed to be negative here.

But I suck at everything.

I was broken up with again.

I'm a lousy detective. My parents had to bail me out.

Name one private detective who goes to his parents when he's in trouble.

And I'm failing as a writer.

I disagree with everything you've said.

There's nothing to disagree with. These are statements of fact.

I should probably just quit everything and go to l school.

Oh God no, that's horrible. No, listen to me...

Jonathan, everything you do is f:

Being a detective, being a writer.

Pay attention to a dying man.

Keep doing what you're doing. It's not boring.

And that's all that counts in life.

George, you're not dying.

You're gonna be okay.

You're dating your doctor. She cares about your prostate.

But I may not be okay.

You know, I was reading Joan Didion,

where she describes how her husband died just like that.

It just seems so unfair that we can be turned off

like a... like a switch, like we never lived,

like we never mattered.

I don't want to be turned off.

Okay.

We both need to do a lot better with our positive thinking.

Mmm.

What's something positive we can think about?

Uh...

Oh no, that last bag of pot you got me?

Very dreamy. Now that's positive.

In my mind, I saw a dandelion

turn into a tiger's paw.

It was beautiful.

Right.

You're not what I had in mind for a dick.

I was expecting a piece of beef... shoulders.

Well, if you don't like my dimensions, I thank you for the whiskey

- and I'll be on my way. - No no. No no no.

I'm sorry. You got expressive hands.

That's a sign of intelligence and I need somebody with brains.

I'll take the compliment. I'm short on them these days.

So what's the nature of your problem, Professor?

Do you break into places for clients?

I've been known to. What do you need done?

Oh, I screwed up... bad.

Look, I'll be Frank with you... I'm a tenured Professor,

but I'm also a junkie...

functional.

But I got in hock to my dealers.

I was desperate and I gave them something valuable.

- What did you give them? - A signed first edition of "on the road."

I convinced them it was worth $1,000 on eBay.

Wow. I love Jack kerouac.

What capote said about him was completely unfair.

Yeah, but I went online after I gave it to him

and I found out the book is worth much more than I thought.

I'm an idiot. It could fetch as much as 75 grand.

Holy shit. That's a lot of money.

That's right. I could retire on that cash.

And I need a new chair.

You know, when you're chairbound,

hemorrhoids are very cruel.

So where's the book now?

I don't know. But here's what I had in mind:

Tomorrow their runner drops off my bag of dope.

You follow 'em back to their base.

When they're out, you get the book.

- Will you do it? - Okay, I'll take the case.

Ah, good. You come in a queer package, but you got guts.

- I had guts once. - If you don't mind me asking,

what kind of Professor are you, Professor?

I'm a novelist.

I teach fiction writing in the mfa program.

Really? I'm a... I'm sorry, I haven't heard of you.

What books have you written?

Just one. It came out in '70.

It was called "the music that kills,"

about a homicidal concert pianist,

goes nuts from too much practicing.

Why didn't you write a second novel?

Because I was afraid to.

Shit.

- Emily: There's ray. - Leah: Oh my God, it's ray.

Sylvie: Ma, look, there's ray.

All: Ray! Ray!

- Hey hi. - Hi ray!

Okay, girls. Why don't you go with Molly Ann?

Little ladies.

The girls wanted to, well, you know.

It's funny bumping into you.

Ha. Only in Brooklyn.

Yep.

What happened to your forehead?

Oh that? George shot me with a rubber-bullet gun.

- What? - It doesn't matter

I'm sorry about that night with irwin...

you know, your lover with the orange pubes.

Yeah, I know who you're talking about.

But it's all right.

I haven't heard from him since.

Oh, good good. I mean...

So did you... did you read my comic book?

Uh, I haven't had the chance. I'm sorry.

Did you listen to the mix cd I made for you?

I put Chet Baker on it because I know that you like the shape of his nose.

- Did you listen to that? - Not yet, but I will.

You should listen to it. I mean, it tells the story

of our relationship in 18 songs.

I kind of put them chronological order from when we first met

to the end part.

Ray, I've got to go.

Me too. Yeah, okay.

Okay, come on, guys.

- Hey, is that leah? - Yeah, you're late.

That would have never happened had you been here 10 minutes ago.

Sorry. I had insomnia.

I masturbated like four times to pass out,

but I couldn't fall asleep till 6:00 in the morning

and then I slept late. I'm sorry.

So was it okay to see leah?

No. That's the horrible miracle of break-ups...

three years together and then you act like you don't even know each other.

I'm sorry, ray.

Super ray. Thanks for coming in, man.

- Bob, this is my friend Jonathan. - Hi.

Hey, I didn't want to give it away in my email,

but your comic book selling like crazy.

- What? - Yeah. It's a hit, man.

You might want to think about getting a legit publisher for this thing.

I mean, look, self-publishing is cool,

but I think the demand's gonna be too great.

Yo, let me get your money.

Yeah okay. Yeah, get it.

Ray, this is wonderful.

Are... are you the creator of "super ray"?

Uh, yes I am.

- Could you sign my copy of your comic? - Sure sure.

We think it's so cool that super ray gets his powers

from his penis hitting the third rail.

Where do you get your ideas?

- I smoke pot, then I draw. - That's cool.

Um, could you sign this page?

It's my favorite.

- Sure. - It's so romantic.

Super ray really loves leah.

Yes he does.

Okay, here you go.

Are you a vulcan or an elf?

Oh please, I'm an elf.

Right, okay. Sorry.

- ( Girls giggling ) - Girl: I can't believe you did that.

- I know! - Holy shit.

You're on a roll. What's going on?

I don't know. But something is happening.

Ever since I finished the comic book,

it's like I am super ray.

I mean, aside from leah crushing my balls,

I'm feeling pretty good.

It's cool. It's like you're having some kind of

a psychic transference with your own character.

Yes. Also my mom gave me some advice