Lucky

- Hey, Lucky, how you doing? - You're nothing.

You're nothing.

Thank you.

- Good morning, sweetheart. - Hi, doll.

Plenty of cream and sugar, just like you like it.

Perfect.

Lucky!

Oh, God.

- Those things are gonna kill you. - If they could've, they would've.

All right, see you. - Oh, okay.

Bye, Lucky. See you, Joe.

What you stuck on now?

Uh...

...seven-letter word for augur...

...A-U-G-U-R.

I know.

Go on, honey.

Portend.

Portend. P-O-R-T-E-N-D.

That's it. Thank you, dear.

Give me that.

Well, this is easy.

I mean, what you gonna do when you get the Sunday puzzle?

Give me another.

All right...

...a three-letter word for asshole starting with a "J"?

Clever.

Very clever.

Cunts!

- Buenos días, Lucky. - Buenos días.

- How are you today? - So far, so good.

- Who's that again? That's my youngest son, Juan.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's John in English.

Like John Wayne. Juan Wayne.

He's gonna be ten on Saturday.

- Oh, that's great. - It's his birthday.

Well, I gotta go. My shows are on.

Juan Wayne.

Juan Wayne.

(OVER TV) Go ahead and tell us about yourself.

Hi, I'm Stephanie Moreno! I'm from Pueblo, Colorado...

...and I'm here to make some money!

Hi, I'm David Mulbec. I'm from Chicago...

...and I'm here to make some money!

Hi, I'm Marlene Moscavitz, Ann Arbor, Michigan...

...and I'm here to make some money!

Join us and find out who's gonna walk away with a brand, new car...

... on, Take a Guess.

Have you been turned down for life insurance? If you are...

- They always yell at ya. - ...you can obtain full-term li...

Oh, shit.

Is realism a thing?

Okay, so it's a thing, huh?

All right, and that's, uh, seven letters.

Hold on a minute.

Okay.

"Realism, noun."

"The attitude or practice of accepting a situation as it is...

...and being prepared to deal with it accordingly."

Now the other one.

"The quality or fact representing a person, thing...

...or situation accurately...

...or in a way that is true to life.

I always thought that what we all agreed on...

...was what we were looking at, but that's bullshit...

...because what I see is not necessarily what you see.

Realism.

R-E-A...

...L-I...

That's it. That's some heavy shit.

She's gonna blow it.

The Dark Ages?

(OVER TV) No, I'm sorry. The answer you're looking for is "the Renaissance."

You blew it, honey. There goes your fucking Buick.

Okay, pal. Goodbye, I'll talk to you later.

Now you know me, I don't like to cause a scene.

Hey, fuck you, I don't.

So that night, I decided to have a coming-to-God meeting.

I locked the front door and sent everybody back into the kitchen.

Took down my Saturday Night Special over there. And I said, "Gentlemen...

...if you want to fuck me, and I know you do...

...you should buy me dinner first."

Then I drew that peace-maker...

...two rounds in the ceiling and I said...

"...I know...

...that all of you are stealing from me.

Just don't get greedy."

And I've been in the black ever since.

I see her standing there, the room was filled with gun smoke.

And everyone's just shitting their goddamn pants.

I tell you, the sexiest thing I'd ever seen.

I wooed him with my feminine charm.

Nothing but class with this one.

Charmed.

You were good to Momma last night.

Lucky! Bloody Maria?

Por favor.

- Lucky! - Hey, Paulie.

What's the good word?

Realism is a thing.

Oh, yeah? How do you mean?

It's the practice of accepting a situation...

...as it is...

...and being prepared to deal with it accordingly.

So what you're saying is, "What you see is what you get."

But what you see is not what I get.

Okay.

Elaine! - What?

Realism is a thing.

- What? - Realism.

Here we go again.

Vincent, hand me my gun.

Easy, partner. You're a misdemeanor fucking with a felony.

Hey, Howard.

Howie, what are you drinking? - Something strong.

What's the matter, Howard?

- President Roosevelt escaped. What are you talking about?

Presidents. - Which one?

- Roosevelt. - Yeah, which one?

No, my tortoise, President Roosevelt, he escaped.

How does a hundred-year-old tortoise escape?

I left the gate open when I went to check the mail.

Where is your mailbox, Europe?

I saw him eyeing that gate the other day.

He had to have timed it out perfectly.

I searched our entire neighborhood.

Did you search your entire yard?

Hey, we're talking about his best friend here!

- Thank you, Lucky. - You're welcome, Howard.

You're right, you're right, I'm sorry. We shouldn't make fun.

I'm gonna miss him. He's outlived two of my wives.

- I'm going to the W.C. - Okay, pal.

You know...

...friendship between animals and humans...

...is essential and special.

And friendship is essential to the soul.

What?

Friendship is essential to the soul.

It doesn't exist!

- What, friendship? - (LOUDLY) The soul!

Hey, knucklehead, inside voices!

Hey, you gonna let your woman talk to me that way?

I'm not his woman. He's my man.

As far as I'm concerned, he's just been renting a room for 30 years.

- Sonny and Cher. I'll drink to that.

Hey, you know they got divorced.

Good thing we never got married.

- (LOUD THUD) - (CERAMIC SHATTERS)

Jesus Christ.

Jesus! God, this thing.

Can you... never mind.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Why?

- Hey, buddy. How the hell are you doing? - You tell me.

115 over 70, great.

Thank you, Debbie.

No broken bones. That's good.

CT scan was negative, no sign of concussion.

Blood pressure is good, heart is great.

Lungs are great, even though you smoke.

- How many packs a day? - I don't know, maybe one.

Well, I really have no explanation for that.

It's a mystery, some sort of scientific anomaly.

All I can figure is it's a combination of genetic good luck...

...and you're one tough son of a bitch.

I would try to get you to quit smoking...

...but I'm afraid it would do you more harm than good.

You're the only person I would say that to.

So, that's it?

To be clear...

...you were just standing there and you got light-headed?

- I didn't get light-headed. - So you just fell down?

Yeah. It was weird.

Well...

...I'll wait for these lab tests to come back and then I'll let you know about that.

That's it?

- That's it. - I'm not dying?

When it comes to most things like heart disease or cancer, at your age...

- ...if it was gonna kill you, it would've. - So?

Short of shooting you with a silver bullet or stabbing you with a wooden stake...

...it seems the older you get, the longer you're gonna live.

So, but why did I fall down?

- Were you drunk? - No.

- Do you get light-headed often? - I don't get light-headed.

- Now do you get much exercise? - Yeah, I walk around all the time.

I do five yoga exercises every day, twenty-one repetitions each, for years.

- Do your knees ever give out? - No.

I could do a lot more tests, but I think it's gonna turn out to be...

- ...exactly what I think it is. - What's that?

You're old, and you're getting older.

- That's your diagnosis? - It's all I got.

Well, that's bullshit.

The body is gonna break down at some point.

As far as I know, nobody has lived forever. It's gonna happen to all of us.

I can do more tests, but I don't want to do that and you don't want to have it done.

So what am I supposed to do?

At this point, I think it might be a good idea...

...to get an assisted living person hooked up.

- What? - Assisted living.