South Park

Episode 11x14 "The List"

I'm going out to South Park gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces everywhere humble folks without temptation

I'm goin out to south park gonna leave my woes behind

Ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor

I'm heading out to south park to see if i cant unwind

I like girls with big fat titties really big fat titties

So come on out to south park and meet some friends of mine

Fellas! Fellas! Oh my god! You're not gonna believe this!

Dude, Butters, calm down.

Okay. Okay.

I was talking to Pete Wetchney and he said that Danny Chadwick

said that his sister told him that the girls in our class have a list

that rates every boy's looks from cutest to ugliest.

So who do they say is the cutest? - I dunno.

Who do they say is the ugliest? - I don't know. It's like a girl thing.

They won't let anybody see the list but them.

They can't do that. Who are they to judge us on how we look?

Yeah. You think they rate us just for looks or they take personality into account?

If it's just looks then I think I'm safe.

You guys, who cares if the girls make some stupid list? Girls make dumb lists all the time.

Yeah, Kyle's right. Screw it, we have better things to worry about.

You're just saying that because you know you're gonna be very last on the list!

Oh please, I don't think so, Craig! Chicks think I'm way hotter than you!

You don't think they put the fat tub of tard at the bottom?

No, because people know I'm not fat! I'm buff.

They probably put you at the bottom of the list because you have fucked up teeth!

Or Kenny's because he's poor. - They didn't put me at the bottom, did they?

Kenny, face it: Girls don't wanna eat Pop Tarts for dinner every night when they get married.

You don't think they said I'm the ugliest boy in the class, do ya?

Well if they did, my parents will ground me.

You guys, do you really care what a bunch of girls have to say about how you rank in looks?!

All right, Bebe, let's see the list. - What?

You know what I'm talking about, bitch!

The list where you rate the looks of each boy in the class!

That's not for boys to look at! It's a secret girl list and you can't see it!

Craig is on the bottom, right?

Or is it Kenny because you'd be eating Pop Tarts for dinner if you married him.

I'm not telling! And anyway, I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is!

And Nelly will never let you look at it, so there!

Fuck you Bebe! Fuck you bitch!

Well, I guess we're never gonna get that list from the girls.

Screw that, dude! We're guys. We can outthink them.

All right, here's what we know.

That chick Nelly is the one who's in charge of holding the list, right.

She apparently keeps it in a purple Pee Chee folder and we need a plan to get it from her.

This is what I call: "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail"

Neato!

At 1 p.m. tomorrow, Nelly will have to walk from Home Ec to Social Studies.

That's our best time to strike.

As she makes her way through Hallway 3,

Craig will be ready with a distraction device here.

When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway,

Butters will run up and kick her in the balls.

Okay!

Once Butters kicks her in the balls, she'll fall to the floor, dropping the Pee Chee,

and Kenny will swoop in from Corridor 3-Delta and grab the Pee Chee. Are we good?

What you do that for?!

Hey, what's your problem, asshole?!

Bail, bail!

Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot.

Primarily that girls do not have balls. - They sure don't.

Never mind, because we are going to Plan B,

one that I call "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time."

When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess,

Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.

You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?

Butters, we're done talking about girls balls right now! Pay attention!

We got it! We got it! - We got the list from the girls!

Give that back you dirty buttholes!

Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door!

It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.

Me? I'm the cutest?

And then Token and then me. - I'm number two? Wow.

Come on, let me see!

Oh boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11!

Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso! - What?! That's bullcrap!

Oh, so big deal, guys! Do you feel better now?

Clyde's the best looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan.

And last is Francis, Cartman, and...

Me?

You're last, dude!

No way. - Yes way! Check it out!

Cartman, lay off! You're next to last. - So? I'm hotter than Kyle.

I'm better looking than Kyle! Yes! I'm hotter than Kyle!

I'm last? Last?

Dude, it's just a stupid list, remember? - I got voted the ugliest boy in whole class?

Who cares what dumb girls think, right?

Mom, Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid in the class! Kyle Broflovski is!

Well good for you, Butters. - Way to go, champ.

Whoopie!

Well, guess we don't have to ground him.

Kyle, what's the matter? You barely touched your knishes.

The girls at school. They made a list and voted me the ugliest boy.

What? That's ridiculous. My little bubbeleh is adorable!

Look, I know I'm not the best-looking guy in town, but I didn't think I was the very ugliest.

You're not ugly, Kyle. You're my perfect little man. You look just like your father.

Oh God! I do?

But he has his mother's nose.

Kyle, you are very handsome and perfect in every way.

Ike, you have to be honest. Am I ugly, yes or no?

You all think I'm ugly. Jesus Christ, the least you could have done is told me!

Kyle, come back here!

I'm better-looking than you!

The girls think I'm better-looking than you, Kyle!

Dude, Kyle. Can you hear me?

They totally think I'm hotter than you are.

Kyle!

Kyle, I'm more attractive.

Kyle?

Clyde, it's time to be getting to bed.

Hey, what's going on?

What's going on? Hey.

Oh yeah, hey, whassup? What's going on?

Nice.

Hey, what's going on? - Hey Clyde.

Hey. - Hi Clyde.

What's going on?

Hey ugly!

Hey, Kyle. Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay?

You know, Abraham Lincoln was pretty ugly too, but look what he accomplished.

Chin up, cowboy.

Hey, what's going on? - Oh, not much, just hanging around-

Hey, nice nice ears. Pizza Face!

Butters, that's not cool, man. He can't help how he looks.

Kyle, I was going to suggest that maybe you should...

hang out with the other ugly kids in the school.

Because if you hang out with them, you won't stand out so much. Right?

Cool.

Hey.

Hello.

Are you going to eat your pickle?

Could somebody toss the football back? It's over there next to the ugly kids.

I hate coming to this school. It makes me angry.

Yeah.

Sometimes I just want to burn it down. Burn the whole school down to the ground!

No. You know what? Screw this! We aren't ugly!

We're not? - No!

Maybe we all just need a little image change, you know? Like a makeover.

Hey yeah.

Like you! Maybe you just need to let your hair down.

And let's see how you look without those glasses.

Let's just put those back on.

I know, that song is so awesome.

Wendy. Could I talk to you? - Of course, Stan.

Just for a minute. Over here.

You think he's gonna beg her to come back to him?

This is a nice surprise. I thought you were never speaking to me again.

Yeah well, I wanna talk to you about this list you girls made.

Which one? We make lists all the time.

The one where you rated the boys looks in the class.

Look, it really messed Kyle up, okay? How could you vote him the ugliest?

Look, personally, I didn't vote him the ugliest.

My vote was for Eric Cartman. But enough of the other girls must have felt he was-

So it was unanimous. Maybe you can just change the list.

Change the list?! Do you have any idea what that would take?!

Maybe you don't understand how important list-making is to girls!