Rogue

Hot as hell out there, huh?

Well, well, well, well.

How are we today, young man? What can l do you for?

Jeez, you must be cosy in that suit, eh?

Oh, no, the airport lost all my bags.

Well, it's gonna be a real scorcher today.

Yeah, no kidding. l'm supposed to catch a boat cruise from here or...

A few years back, you'd be lucky if you saw any tourists up here at all.

Too remote for most people. lt's changing pretty quickly, l can tell you.

Can l get a coffee, please? Real strong. Two sugars.

How about a cappuccino? Give the new machine a workout, eh?

Phil, hey. What's going on, man?

How's Chicago?

Everything's fine, except for the fact that they lost my bags at the airport.

My computer was in my bag and l need it to finish the article.

Could you call Greg at the office and tell him?

l really need someone to track down those bags for me.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Can you hear me?

Can you hear me now? Phil?

Get out of there.

Can you hear me now? Hey, can you hear me?

There you are. No, the service here sucks, dude.

Oh, no, it's over. Yeah, she went back last week. Whatever.

Why do you think l took this shitty job? Hello?

Shit.

Jesus Christ.

There you go. Real strong.

- lt's on the house. - Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Hey, nice picture.

That silly bugger'll think twice about going swimming at night, eh?

- One more. - You alright, Liz?

Just a little unstable.

- lt's got a cover on. - Tickets!

Dad, have you got the tickets?

Tickets.

Two adults, one child.

- You are the Smith family? - That's right.

Cheers. Just in the middle there.

- Wow. lt's so low. - Yeah.

The big one looks safer.

Better you than me.

One rule of my tour is that you have only one chance to complain

about the heat and the flies.

Nice to meet you. They're a fact of life up here.

Whingeing isn't gonna make them disappear.

Simon. How hot are those flies?

Might have to kick you off the boat, mate.

- Ticket? - l've got one, trust me.

You're Russell, right? Come on, mate!

- You've got two tickets there, sir. - No, no. Just me.

No worries. Sit anywhere you like.

Jesus!

We're on bush time now, so l should have youse back around five. Or six.

She's your kid and you kind of promised her crocodiles, so...

Honey, it's a two-hour tape.

l'll get footage, OK?

Here we go. l hope we see lots of crocodiles.

Welcome to Ryan's Wildlife Cruises. My name's Kate Ryan.

l'm gonna be your tour guide today, in case you hadn't figured that out.

This is my business partner, Kevin. Say gidday, Kev.

Yes, you are. Oh, my God, you're so cute.

- Honey, we should get a dog. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - l thought you were a cat person.

Anyone have any questions?

Alright. Let's go check out some crocs.

The Northern Territory is home to the biggest population

of saltwater crocodiles in the world,

spread throughout seven large tidal river systems.

The state covers a landmass double the size of Texas,

but we have a population of only 200,000 people.

As you can imagine, we all have pretty big back yards.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Hi, there. - Hi. l'm Gwen.

Hi. Hi, Gwen. Er, would you mind...?

- Oh, no. Sure, help yourself. - No, no, sorry. lt's... lt's the smoke.

- lt's kind of wafting. - Right. Shite.

OK. Story of my life. l'll go down the back.

Thank you so much. Really appreciate that.

Thanks a lot.

Right.

- Come here. - Where's the zoom on this?

- You don't need the zoom. - There it is.

- Come on, darling. - OK, smile.

Oh, Sher. What are you doing? Look at that.

Oh, darling, don't pull a face.

Do you want me to take a photo of the family?

- Yeah, that'd be super. - That would be good. Thank you.

- lt's the big button? - Yeah, just that one.

OK, here we go.

Oh, that's beaut. That is a beautiful camera.

- Thank you. - ls that new?

- Yes, l got it for Christmas. - Nice. Cute little snapper.

l mean, she's no, erm... digital SLR, which is single lens reflex.

l've got a 25-mil lens, l've got a 35 mil, right through to a 1 55 mil.

The doubler pushes it out to 300 mil, but who's counting? l'm not.

- Well, that's very impressive. - lt is. Guess how much.

lt's like the, you know, African Queen.

lt's hot and horny and l just wanna get naked.

l could come into the room. You know, we could do that.

Do you wanna sit somewhere else?

- l like sitting next to you. - Do you wanna sit there?

- There's a spare seat. - l paid for this seat.

You're bugging me. Sit there.

- Well... - lt's sexual harassment. Please.

- Just sit here. lt's a spare seat. - You can't make everybody move.

Enough already with the sex talk, OK? OK?

lt's not your boat.

Shite. lt's hot, isn't it?

Hey, what are they waiting for?

Keep watching.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, shite. What was that?

- You right there, love? - Look at the size of the bastard.

Oh, it's huge.

Don't you worry. He's already got his lunch.

That's amazing.

- Are you right? - How often does it do that?

Every day at two.

- Wow. Every day at two? - Yep.

- How high do they jump? - They can jump right out.

They use their tails to propel them. Sometimes they come right up to you.

So it could come into the boat, right? lt could come into the boat.

You'll be right if you don't go in the water.

l'm not planning on it, l'll tell you that.

So still.

That's great.

Dad, imagine if it bit you.

Yeah, it's amazing.

lt's so still.

- lt looks fake. - The eyes are moving.

There it goes.

The species we're looking at today, the saltwater crocodile,

is probably the most dangerous member of the crocodilian family.

They're pretty much living dinosaurs

who have been perfecting their hunting skills over 200 million years.

So they can swim underwater at up to 20 miles an hour

without making a ripple on the surface.

And they can burst out to attack with incredible speed.

They're also known to watch their prey and learn their habits.

ln fact, you can see this bloke looking at us now.

So if any of you are camping near a river and you need water,...

- Teeth like your mother's. - ..do so at a different time every day.

The croc will learn your routine. You might wanna avoid that.

Croc can't swallow you in one go, he will literally tear you to pieces.

- Super. - Oh, Allen, can you imagine?

- How big do they grow? - That one was a little one.

But they can grow from 20 to 25 feet long, weigh up to two tons.

There have been stories of bigger ones,

but the crocs we're looking at today are just as dangerous.

- Are there many attacks on people? - Tourists, occasionally.

- Thanks. - That's in poor taste.

Don't worry, ma'am. We're perfectly safe on this boat.

They won't attack anything bigger than they are.

- How big is this boat? - Yeah.

- Big enough. - Sure. Whatever.

Lighten up a little.

Right. The bigger the better, if you ask me.

Aren't you beautiful, hey?

He's beautiful.

Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you?

Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss.

- Have you got a Wet One? - Oh, yeah.

Jesus. Anyone complain about the flies yet?

That was your one shot.

That wasn't a complaint. That was a question.

- How long are you out here, anyway? - Just a few days.

- Alice Springs after this, then home. - Where's that?

Chicago. l'm a travel writer for a magazine.

- Sounds like the life. - How about you? You travel a lot?

Never left the Territory.

- You're kidding, right? - Why would l wanna leave all this?

lt's amazing watching people's faces the first time they come out here.

You might wanna take your seat. lt gets a bit hairy around this bend.

Aye aye, Captain.

Sher, did you know this is the oldest landscape in the world?

lt's ancient.

Dad, you can be so boring sometimes.

- Alright. One, two... - Two. l got you.

Did you see that? No.

- Oh, my gosh. They're stopping. - Liz.

Well, keep your shirt on, cunt face!

- Katie. - Gidday, Neil.

Oi! Bloody charmin'.

- There's ladies present. - Sorry, ladies.

Sorry about that, folks. This shouldn't take a minute.

Mate, l'm at work.

Katie, we're just saying gidday to the tourists, yeah? Gidday, tourists.

- You can take the photo, darlin'. - Ooh, please. Pop it out.

Hope you brought your microscope.

You've acquainted yourself with the tourists.

Now acquaint yourself with the other end of the river.

- Come on, mate. Let's just fuck off. - No, hang on.

l just wanna know why Miss Captain Katie Koo here

is acting so high and mighty these days.

What is it, Katie? Why won't you have a bar of me, sweet?

Excuse me, son. The young lady asked you politely to remove yourself.

We'd like to get on with our tour.

Bugger me. lt's John fucking Wayne.

This is the tour, John. Me and Col, we're the wildlife.

Hello! We're ducks!