Valentine DayZ

Woman: Have you ever wanted to live forever?

Maybe now is your chance.

Scientists in Russia say they're very very close

to unlocking the mysteries of eternal life.

They just have one cabinet, and I quote,

Unless something goes wrong during the experiments, unquote.

Ugh, oh my, what could possibly go wrong

playing around with the mysteries of eternal life?

In international news,

something wicked this way comes.

It's being widely rumored

both in Russia and China

are calling hundreds of thousands of chickens

in an attempt

to halt a new variation

of the so called bird flu.

Now haven't we heard this song and dance before?

Of course, we have.

But this gossip has whispers

of something much more fearful and sinister,

happening here.

Our multitalented sources are working

to confirm the rumors, but where there's smoke,

there usually is a fire.

And in this case, folks,

I'd venture to say it could be a raging inferno.

Now excuse me,

but we have to take

an obscene commercial profit break.

Valentine's Day is just around the corner,

and you're gonna wanna look your very best.

Have you ever wanted your clothes to be a whiter white?

Well, of course, you have.

Love is in the air, folks.

Probation, Dale?

I did the best I could.

You can't be the savior

of the every dog and cat in the city, Max.

Besides, the guy's face was swollen up like a pumpkin.

He deserved it, Dale.

Be that as it may.

To my best friend, protector of small children

and small creatures, great and small.

Hey, what's the difference

between a lawyer and a vampire?

- Aren't you a lawyer? - I'm your lawyer.

That's what's gonna make it funny.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Oh, that's funny, Dale.

I got a million of 'em.

That's too bad.

You're drooling. And drooling is normal.

You're normal, max.

You are just a normal guy.

Hard to accept, isn't it?

Incoming.

So are you just gonna stare at me all night

or are you gonna step up to the plate like a real man?

All step up to the plate.

I cant believe that line actually worked.

- Hey, I'm Sara. - Max.

- Very nice to meet you, max. - Nice meeting you.

mimicking Max: Can I buy you a cocktail?

Yeah, I like that.

Bartender.

Vampire only sucks blood at night.

Hey, what's a lawyer's favorite pour-a-cop reception?

- What? - His personality.

I got a million of 'em.

- So are you coming in? - I'm not sure.

- It's been awhile for me. - Oh, Max,

it's like riding a bike.

You know how to ride a bike, don't you?

I was the bicycle king of my block, if that counts?

Oh, the whole block?

- Oh yeah. - Wow.

I'm impressed.

I think you should bring that whole bicycle king inside.

Will I see you again?

Wild horses couldn't drag me away.

Has anyone even taken the time to read this?

Hello?

Anyone?

For those of you who do not know,

I performed Shakespeare on the stage in London.

The bard onstage,

in London.

"A horse, a horse,

my kingdom for a horse."

Mm-hmm.

Can you see the tears welling up in my eyes?

Can you not?

And you must be the professor.

Yes, but of course, you are.

Excuse my little tirade, but this business

can drive a grown man to cry.

Are we ready to shoot this?

Woman: Are you guys ready up there?

Okay.

- Woman: All right, quite on the set. -

Hello, my name is Phil Philbin

and thank you for watching

this edition of "Monster Mania."

Today I have with me my esteemed guest, Dr. Rupert Stuben,

frequent lecturer at such stellar institutions as

Harvard and MIT.

He now works exclusively for the World Health Organization.

Welcome.

Professor,

let me get right to the point.

Are the rumors true?

Well, we have many new rumors on a daily basis.

Which rumors are you talking about specifically?

Uh, duh, let's see.

China killing chickens.

And you may be sinister, bird flu at our door?

As I'm sure you are aware,

rumors cause, fear and anxiety

this many of the population.

The young people, the old people,

uh, especially, the ill educated.

But more importantly,

the misplaced rumors.

Maybe you're misplaced.

I deal In fact, Mr. Philbin.

I am here to dampen the phobia.

Fact this, professor.

Do you really have the tenacity to sit there and deny

that China and Russia are calling foul

at a furious rate?

We do not have proof,

but there is a contagion in those countries

and the same countries are doing their best

- to counter measurality-- - Pitfall, gobbledygook.

Let me explain to our average viewer

what the good professor just said.

China and Russia are killing birds

to stop a new, frightening version

of the Asian bird flu.

That's not fair.

It's not just China and Russia.

There are other countries where this has spread?

Which countries, professor?

You know, why oh why

would a doctor of your emanant stature

appear on my "Monster Mania" show?

I-- I'm leaving.

Where are the monsters, Doctor?

Good luck.

What aren't you telling us?

And more importantly, why aren't you telling us?

Wow. Who woulda thought a big metal box

could look so beautiful?

Well, I hate to be the bearer bad news,

but they wanna meet.

- They want more. - More? Really?

They don't think their 30 percent is enough.

No, no, no, I'm taking my share

and I'm going to Mexico, sun, sand, marguerites,

and senoritas.

What more could a guy want?

You're a smart man.

You know they're gonna follow us to Mexico,

- don't you? - Oh yeah.

That's why you and I will meet them, Dale.

While Isaiah takes his share to Mexico?

Mm-hmm.

- That's not fair, Max. - No, it's not fare, Dale.

Oh.

On second thought, why don't we all go to Mexico?

- Damn right. - Set a meet.

Oh, I've got a bad feeling about this, Max.

Set a meet, Dale.

A really bad feeling.

Girl's voice: Daddy.

Daddy!

Daddy!

Daddy.

Max!

I want that one.

Would you buy it for me?

If it'll make you happy.

- You would, wouldn't you? - Mm-hmm.

I can buy it myself, you know?

Oh, I know.

What else would you do for me?

Would you save me like in the fairy tales?

Would you be my knight in shining armor?

I'm no knight in shining armor.

- But... - But I would fight for you.

I would fight very hard for you.

That's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.

You're a poet, Max.

You're a poet and didn't even know it.

Let's go sneak aboard. Come on, Max.

do something illegal for the first time in your life.

- How do you know? - What?

That you haven't done anything illegal?

Come on. You're uptight, Max.