The Onion Movie

You can always count on "The Onion" to get the story.

It's America's Finest News Source.

And now, "The Onion News: America's Finest News Source,"

featuring Dana Dobbs,

Senior Correspondent, Kip Kendall,

and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer.

We begin today with news from Detroit.

Where auto making giant, American Automotive announced a safety recall

of all 2,004 cars containing neck belts.

The neck belts introduced last month

in an attempt to reduce head injuries,

have been found to cause crushed tracheas,

severe spinal damage, and violent decapitation.

Daddy, come! Hi, dad!

Today, the U.S. military announced an innovative new plan to draw new recruits.

You sign up, right now.

You get one pair of Ozzfest tickets

and a set of mud flaps for your truck.

Then, after six months of active duty,

you are eligible to receive an ounce of weed.

Sweet!

And in six more months, a bunch more weed.

You're fucking lying, I get some more...

And if you serve a tour duty during a foreign conflict,

you will receive upon your discharge this:

A hot bitch poster.

Sign me up!

The internet went down for three hours this morning,

plunging the nation into productivity.

The outage which caused major work startages from New York to California,

prevented an estimated 120 million American employees

from messing around on the Web at work.

More "Onion" news after this.

In a world without justice,

where the strong prey on the weak,

one man must face the ultimate challenge.

Master, how did they defeat me?

They used an ancient technique that strikes at the very core of a warriors' strength.

This attack, there is no defense.

Master, will you teach me?

You are not yet ready, my son.

I'm ready, Master.

No, you are not. You have much to learn.

You, my young pupil, shall become a cockpuncher.

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher".

No!

"Cockpuncher."

I don't think you have the balls.

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,

That looks awesome!

Sure it does, kids.

A real whack in the nutsack.

Honey?

Have you seen my good, black socks?

Mommy, look!

Honey?

If you've seen news happening,

call "The Onion News" Hotline.

Honey?

I cannot find my good, black socks!

Hello? "Onion News?"

We are here live, with a breaking news story.

Apparently, a local area man has misplaced his black socks.

Mr. McCormick, will you please tell us exactly what happened this morning?

Sure I got up this normal morning.

Kids are downstairs.

And my wife's cooking breakfast.

And all of sudden, you know, I notice that my good, black socks are missing.

Here's your boy, ma'am. Safe and sound.

Oh, thanks, thanks.

Sweetie, look!

"The Onion" news van!

Yeah...

In other news, a local eight-year-old

accidentally exercised his second amendment rights yesterday,

when he blew off his head with his father's semi-automatic rifle.

The fatal incident is being hailed by gun rights activists

as a victory for America and the Constitution.

Nobody move!

Unless you want your head blown off.

You!

Please, please don't shoot me.

I'll give you however much you want.

You think I want money?

You think that's what this is about?

A big gang black man comes walking in, waving a gun,

and you assume he's robbing the place?

I ain't looking for no goddamned handout.

I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

A mothafucking job!

Don't you see?

You give me money, that'll just help me in the short-term.

But a job!

That'll help me develop valuable job skills and experience.

It's like teaching a man how to fish.

So quick stalling, get your bitch ass back there,

and give me a 40 hour a week position,

with vacation pay and benefits, you piece of shit, mothafucker,

and don't make me ask twice.

Back that ass up.

Lets go, lets go!

Can I help the next mothafucking person in line?

You in that apricot sweater suit.

Get your bitch ass on over here, now!

How can I help you today?

I'd like to deposit this check, please, into my savings account

- and then I need to withdraw... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just-just-just shut the fuck up for a minute.

The fuck you doing, Liz Anne?

You calling the cops?

No.

That's a goddamned cop?

No, I swear. I was just on with an account holder,

I was advising him about...

I'm gonna kill you, bitch.

Who the fuck is this, you a cop?

Yeah, what I would recommend is that you keep at least 500 in your checking,

just to avoid a minimum balance fee,

and put the rest in a money market,

which will earn you an additional two percent interest.

Three percent, if you keep your account open for 3,000.

Right.

You have a nice day, sir.

My pleasure.

And feel free to call us back anytime,

if you have any other questions.

Liz Anne.

Sorry.

My bad.

That's okay.

A honest mistake.

Armed Gunman.

I've been watching you and I must say, I'm impressed.

How'd you like to be our new Customer Services Supervisor?

Mr. P.!

It'd be my mothafucking honor.

Happy birthday!

It's your special day!

Okay, we're gonna get you an annuity for 12 years on that one.

I'll get you, I'll get you eight percent on that one.

Everybody down now!

Get the fuck down! Everybody!

Give me all your money.

Hurry up! Hurry the fuck up!

What'd you doing? Playing back there?

Hurry up!

Hurry the fuck up!

Hurry up, bitch.

Put the money in the bag. All of it!

Load up the bag up with money and nobody else fucking moves.

You hurry up!

Hurry the fuck up!

Load the bag up. Load the bag...

You sicken me.

Asking for a handout.

Instead of raising yourself up out of your situation through hard work.

Why don't you get a job, like the rest of us?

According to statistics, 87% of U.S. citizens are obese.

And the Surgeon General is taking steps to address the problem.

As a result of the rampant spread of obesity in the U.S.,

the government has been forced to raise

the definition of obesity from 55% body fat to 90%.

The move, which reduces the number of obese Americans from 200 million to 185 million

was widely applauded from coast to coast.

It's high time the government stepped in

and did something about this problem.

I don't wanna be obese.

Man, this shit is all fucked up.

In other news, Georgia officials announced plans

to add a swastika and middle finger

to the Georgia state flag.

In technology news, television watching has become even more convenient

with Sony's introduction of a new remote control, remote control.

Damn! I'm gonna get me one of them, mothafuckers.

In what is being called the end of an era,

the nation's last English restaurant closed today.

Joe's Dinner, an unusual Atlantic-area eatery

was not based around any sports, music, or movie-based theme...

- Have you spoken to Norm about the changes? - Not yet.

He's not gonna be happy.

I know but he's got no choice.

Whatever the new parent company says, goes.

Hey.

Melissa Cherry is America's biggest pop sensation.

Selling millions of records to her legions of teenage fans.

But is this young singer sending the wrong message?

Kip Kendall reports.

Her new album, "Come with Me",

has gone quadruple platinum and made her a household name.

But some concerned parents think Melissa Cherry's image in music are too sexy,

setting an inappropriate example for their children.

So, what do you say to all the concerned parents out there?

Well, Kip.

I honestly don't understand what all the fuss is about.

My music isn't about sex.

It's about being a girl.

And having fun.