Weeds

"Previously on" Weeds:

Can you imagine?

Boy out jogging with his daddy. Boom, daddy drop.

If my husband died, I'd suck out, lift up...

... and inject anything that moved.

I heard there was nothing.

I wonder how she's getting by.

Drugs sell themselves, biscuit.

Keep kids off drugs, cries the pot-dealing mom.

Gets you through the night, good for you.

Can we have sex in your house?

Nice.

- Her husband's boning a tennis pro. - Helen Chin?

That little cunt.

And five, six, seven, "eight..."

Sell it, ladies.

And, go!

Give me shoulders. Give me attitude.

Heads down, ladies.

- You know about Celia's husband. - Sleeping with the tennis pro.

- He's homosexual? - Not Victor, the oriental girl.

Helen Chin? She completely transformed my serve.

- I hope they don't fire her. - Ladies.

- Throwing stones in a glass room? - We're gossiping about Celia.

Lovely.

- Come on, Nancy, it's harmless fun. - Probably not for Celia.

Oh, please. Celia wasn't programmed to feel.

Why not chat about who your husbands are fucking.

Oh, look, here come the girls.

You take care, Nancy. It must be so hard for you being all alone.

God bless.

Mom?

I thought Blanca was picking me up after school.

Yes, well, surprise.

Blanca had to take your sister to the airport.

The airport? Where's she going?

Quinn is on her way to boarding school in Mexico.

- She didn't say anything. - Yeah, not a sentimentalist, your sister.

Can we talk about this in the car?

- But... - In the car.

Go change your clothes. I'll meet you at the desk.

Karate class will be starting.

Mr. St. Denis, so nice to see you.

Always a pleasure, Mrs. Botwin. Shane's doing very well in karate.

I'm so glad to hear that.

Mom, the lady at the desk says you need to pay.

- I wrote a check last week. - She said it didn't clear.

There must be some explanation.

You don't have any money in your checking account.

I'll go to the desk, straighten it out. Go back to class.

- I gotta pee. - Fine, hurry up. Hold up the belt.

- Hold up the belt, so it doesn't get wet. - Mom!

- Hey, Nancy. - Hi, Celia.

Nancy, hey. Check this out.

Oh, shit! Nancy, I am so sorry.

What did you just chuck at my face?

It's called a "Roomerang." And when you throw it...

It's supposed to come back to you, when someone's face doesn't get in the way.

- Not saying you did that on purpose. - Can I have a tissue?

Sure. Here.

Doug, we need to talk.

Oh, no. No, no. Don't tell me you're dry.

- I'm not dry, Doug. I'm broke. - Thank God.

Maybe I should save some money by firing my accountant.

Let's not get carried away. We should brainstorm on this.

- Have some dialogue, confab, powwow. - Can't believe I trust you with my money.

- You're an idiot. - I'm an idiot savant.

Say what you will about me personally, but I am a great fucking CPA.

You won't let me deposit cash in my checking account.

I'm running all over town paying my bills with cash.

Because I can't have a paper trail of cash deposits. Trust me on this.

- Am I supposed to sell my house? - How about Lupita, your housekeeper?

She's like family. And since her daughter's still in court reporting "school..."

I started selling so I could maintain my lifestyle, not dismantle it.

You'll have to sell more. Nancy, it's the oldest rule in business:

Buy low, sell high.

You get it? Sell high.

If you ever make a business card, you could use that.

Doug.

Okay. All right, listen. I've been working on setting up...

...a business loan for you so we can have a front to launder money through.

You can replenish your checking account, pay some bills.

And boom: Bob's your uncle.

- What's my legitimate business? - I don't know.

Pick something. Paperwork's the same. Let me know what you want.

Could my cover business eventually become my real business?

In this economy, small business is fucked.

But that'll be good for us. Don't worry. Pick something...

...with a low inventory, okay?

I am so screwed.

Stop that. Everything's gonna be great.

I'm guaranteeing you at least seven customers at tomorrow's game.

And if you could be here by 8, that would be perfecto.

How about a little cash up front?

Sure.

Shit, I'm all tapped out. I'll hit the ATM later. I promise.

I'd offer to write you a check, but that seems insensitive.

Not to mention unwise. If you should get caught...

...I can't have it coming back to me.

Silas, is there a phone off the hook upstairs?

- It's dead. - What?

It's dead. All the phones are dead.

Oh, shit.

Don't worry.

I'll go on-line, pay it right now.

- Why can't I get on-line? - DSL is connected through the phone.

I'll give you 50 bucks right now...

...if you don't give me any grief about this.

Cool.

You haven't talked to Quinn's mom lately, have you?

- I saw her at karate. - Well, you didn't say anything to her, right?

About what?

You know, about how you caught me and Quinn.

Why would you think that?

Because I haven't heard from Quinn, and she wasn't at school.

I don't know. I "just..."

- I don't get it. - She didn't say goodbye?

- Goodbye? - What do you mean, goodbye?

I heard Celia saying something about Quinn going to Mexico.

Mexico?

I don't know, I overheard.

Quinn...

Quinn wouldn't go to Mexico without telling me.

I'm sorry, honey. I don't know the whole story.

You're sorry? She's probably been trying to call me.

What the hell is the matter with this family...

...that we can't even have a goddamn working phone?

Such a fucking mess.

- Silas. - Hi, missus.

Hi, Lupita. How you doing?

I think I have the menopause.

I'm thinking I'm gonna have another baby, and I cry.

And then I hear, "No, it is the menopause."

And I say, "Thank you, God."

So you no pay me last week.

- I didn't? - You no pay me.

- Are you sure? - You pay me now?

Okay, "gracias."

Good morning, I am Shane Botwin and I am 10 years old today.

And I have been told that these are the people responsible.

- "Turn it off." - "To celebrate this, my natal day..."

... I have asked for the Megatech radio-controlled...

... blimp-UFO combo, a night-vision binocular...

... and the DVD of Stephen Chow's "cinematic masterpiece," Shaolin Soccer.

I wonder if these so-called parents of mine...

... have purchased any of these items.

Let's see what the alleged parental units have to say.

Honey.

Show Shane your stretch marks.

Show him yours.

You know, you were not born...

... until 4:00 in the afternoon, so you, my friend...

... are not officially 10 years old yet.

Will you make me pizza eggs?

- "Hey, we got any leftover pizza?" - "Yes."

Then I will make you pizza eggs, but not because it's your birthday.

But because I'm feeling a little bit peckish myself...

... and your mother's not a morning person. And I love you.

- "And it's my birthday." - "And it's your birthday."

Do you think I'm weird?

- "Yes!" - "Totally weird. But you're awesome."

And I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-10-year-old on earth.

What if there's life on other planets, and there's an unbelievable, amazing...

... 10-year-old out there?

Why would I trade down, man?

To me, you're the best, dude.

You are the amazing, unbelievable Shane Botwin.

"amazing, unbelievable Shane Botwin."

"amazing, unbelievable Shane Botwin."

It's amazing the guy would even consider a plea of not guilty.

- Amazing. - Part of me thinks he actually...

...believes his own bullshit, which is just scary.

You think it's safe I take two Ambien? Could really use some good sleep tonight.

I think you should take the whole bottle.

Funny.

Night, dear.

Dean?

You awake?

Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Where is she?

Silas, come over here and hold this sign, so I can staple.

Were you so threatened...

...by your daughter's sexuality that you had to ship her off?

- Pardon me? - Who told you we had sex?

Young man, this is the first that I'm hearing...

...that you and my daughter had sex. Although now that I've been made aware...

...l'm tempted to bring her home, just so I can ship her off again.

The little slut. How dare you!

- Tell me where she is! - Why?

So you can fly down to Mexico...

...and spring her from Casa Reforma?

- I love her. - You stuck your penis in her.

That's not love, believe me.

If you didn't know about us, then why is she in Mexico?

- That's a private family matter. - I am her family.

Oh, God.

Poor thing.

Do you really think that my daughter had deep romantic feelings for you?

Is that what you think?