The Three Stooges Collection

Gentlemen, please, the meeting is called to order,

and we need quiet, not a riot.

Otherwise, we can't proceed.

Listen, you Woman Haters,

we meet for the seventh time

to convince each member of the club

that romance is a crime!

If you have any questions or any suggestions

that you'd like to make today,

or if you have a notion to offer a motion,

let's hear what you have to say.

Come, speak up like a hero.

Your speech need not be rehearsed.

Who's that? Oh, yes, it's Mr. Zero.

All right. I'll speak up first.

I'll give you my opinion of the opposite sexes.

When a man marries a girl,

he has to work while she relaxes.

Some smart aleck wrote a book The Woman Always Pays.

Yeah, she pays for perfume, powder,

paint and every silly craze.

But where does the money come from?

From those dopey guys who fall.

I say down with every guy who sings,

"My Life, My Love, My all."

Gentlemen, gentlemen, those in favor say "aye."

Aye. Aye.

All right, we'll pass that by.

Mr. Chairman, three gentlemen wait without.

Without what?

They wanna join our club today.

Okay, admit them right away.

In the name of the Woman Haters Club,

I welcome you.

Do you three gentlemen understand

what you're expected to do?

Now, boys, relax.

I said, relax.

Now, please, at ease. Relax, relax!

I didn't tell you to break your backs.

Stand up for the initiation.

Please. Please. Don't do that.

Let go!

I pronounce you members of the Woman Haters Club!

Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!

Fellas, I'll have to quit that club I joined last week.

Quit the club?! That's what I said.

Why, you big fathead, what do you mean?

It's this way: I met a beautiful girl

and fell head over heels in love.

Why, you must be outta your mind.

You're crazy. What're you thinking of?

But I promised to marry her tonight.

Tonight?

Why, if you violate the rules of the club,

you're just as good as dead.

If you get married, you'll be carried out

and clubbed right on the head.

Down with the traitors of the Woman Haters Club.

Fellas, you've convinced me.

I guess that you're right.

I'll have to call the wedding off.

I'll tell her tonight.

That's fine, but how can we be certain

you won't give us the double-cross?

I'll put up my bankroll.

If I miss, I'll take the loss.

I got a better idea than that.

I'll tell you what let's do.

Jackie, me and you put up our bankrolls too.

We'll sign an agreement

that we three will stick together for life

and never even look at a girl and never take a wife.

Now that you've signed, please bear in mind,

from now on, no women around of any kind.

Right? Right.

Now the forfeit we'll post.

Fill 'em up. Fill 'em up.

Now I'll make a toast.

To the three musketeers, who've stuck along for years,

we've traveled together in every kind of weather.

Right? Right.

What've you got to say for yourself?

Me? You.

I've got plenty to say for myself.

I beg your pardon, mates.

Here's to the finest salesmen in the whole United States.

Say, by the way, don't we leave for the row tonight?

What day is this? The 21st.

By golly, you're right.

Let's hurry back.

We gotta pack our samples for the trip.

Okay. Before we go, let's take another sip.

Here's to our trip.

You'd better see your girl and offer her your sympathy.

Tell her that the bride-to-be is not the bride-to-be.

Right? Right.

Rain or shine or rain, I'll meet youse at the train.

And now I'll tell the lady that I'll never see her again.

Daughter, it's late. Have you heard from Jim?

Now, Dad, he'll be here. Don't worry about him.

But the people are waitin'.

Oh, here he comes now. Hello, Jim.

Can I see you privately in the next room?

Not now, dear. What's troubling you?

Why all the gloom?

Friends of the family... meet the groom.

Aw, congratulations.

Come on, son-in-law, let's have a drink.

Well, here's to the happiest ending.

Gee, I don't feel so hot.

Go on, you're joking. Sure you're pretending.

Honestly, father, I'm not.

That reminds me of a story. Listen.

That's me other daughter there.

Well, on her wedding day,

the fellow she was about to marry tried to run away.

Did you ever hear of a nerve like that?

Well, I took care of that guy.

In a room, I locked him,

then I socked him right in the eye.

Then I turned him over to me brother, the cop.

He just picked him up

and spinned him around like a top.

Then me other brother, who's a fighter, began.

Son, I'm ashamed to tell you what he did to that man.

Did he marry your daughter?

Did he? I should say he did.

There he is right over there. He'll be walking soon, poor kid.

Oh, Jim, let's go.

Right now? Yeah.

Good luck. Let's go.

Jim, do you take Mary...

for your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

Mary, do you promise to love him,

share his joy and share his strife?

Oh, I do.

Place the ring upon her finger.

Not that one, the other finger.

I pronounce you man and wife.

Honey, we're two hours early.

Why did we get here so soon?

Just so we can be alone for a while,

alone on our honeymoon.

Oh, darling, you're so thoughtful.

Catch on? You bet I do.

Is that all, sir?

Yeah, that's all that I want with you.

We're away from the crowd.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Whew, what a relief.

Here you are.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Just ring if you want me, chief.

Oh, darling, I'm so happy that we're married at last.

You know something? I'm gonna try to make you happy too.

Yeah. Yeah.

I can't believe it. It all happened so fast.

Dear, can I ask a little favor of you?

Why, certainly.

I want you to promise to keep our marriage a secret.

What do you say?

Why, the idea. Are you ashamed of me?

Oh, you're starting out in a nice way.

Doll, I might meet some friends on the train

that'll try to kid me along.

I dare them to kid you along.

Okay, I guess I'm wrong.

There.

Say, what's that button that you wear?

"W.H.," what can that be?

Woman Haters. Oh, I see.

That's our organization. Why?

It appeals to me somehow.

Would you like to join? Yes, sir.

Okay. We'll initiate you now.

I now pronounce you a member of the Woman Haters Club.