Wolf Manor

And cut!

Right, moving on.

She blinked.

Well, we haven't got time to reset and reshoot.

She definitely blinked.

-For fuck's sake. - We'll fix it in post.

Thanks for your energy and enthusiasm and for staying the extra day.

When will it ever end?

When we finish the pickup shots,

the things you should have got during the normal shoot.

Otherwise we wouldn't have needed this extra day.

Would we?

And how did that happen Peter?

I thought we had to be out of here by yesterday.

Well yeah, that's what the trustees of the Manor wanted,

but it'll be fine.

Trust me,

I'm a producer.

You trust me, don't you, Derek?

Yeah, enough to let you talk me into filming this bloody awful mess.

The money did the talking Derek.

The money did the talking.

People don't even watch these stupid gothic horrors anymore.

Not here, but out East they devour them.

And with the great Oliver Lawrence putting on his cape again.

Directed by the great Derek Francis.

Blood and gore will always sell.

Blood and gore, will always sell.

But there's no depth.

There's no characterisation.

Right, let's get Oliver down here. I'm not paying you lot to stand about.

Enter.

Oliver Lawrence to set please.

Thank you.

That's as far as I go and that's twenty three pounds.

House is not far ahead. Round the bend.

Thank you.

How much?

Oh, just pay him.

It's going on expenses.

Well, that's the pub.

That must be the Manor house up there.

"Round the bend."

Looks a bit dark up there.

Peter's work no doubt.

And just for us.

I'm surprised he didn't have it called The Slaughtered Lamb.

Buggered Sheep more like.

We need to get in there don't we.

Simeon Oldman, writer, raconteur,

Here to produce a set report on the Crimson Manor film.

Thadeus Saxon.

Here to serve five local ales.

Or a lager, if you must.

I'd er, rather like a lager, please.

We seek a lift or directions to the Crimson Manor film set.

They shut up shop yesterday.

As per the strict arrangement with the Manor's trustees.

No, no, no, no.

Harry Middleton’s up there right now.

They took him on as a ‘body double’.

Someone’s got a body like Harry’s?

Harry Middleton knows better than to be up there at this time of the month.

Harry Middleton knows nothing.

I had a call this morning from Peter Castle, the film's producer.

And I can assure you they are most definitely still filming tonight.

Doing,

pick up,

shots.

And I am due on set, to make a report for Fantasmagoria magazine.

So we would appreciate a lift or directions to the manor.

And a quick pint.

And a quick pint.

And a couple of chasers.

Scratch the old itch.

It's walkable from here.

Takes a while.

Go on.

I'll drive you.

As long as you ride in the back with my girls.

Erm.

Thanks a lot.

That'll be his sheep.

I said.

It's walkable from here.

As long as we stay on the road.

That's right.

And stay off the moor.

Because the beasts of the night come out at night.

Just a quarter of a mile in that direction?

Before you go.

Take this.

Right.

The bar's closed.

I'll bid you, good evening.

No, darling.

It's not complicated.

You're just falling out of shot.

And then your double will do the actual fall.

No, no, no, no, no.

You see, because I need the...

...I need it for motivation.

I'll do it.

Thank you Helen.

It's Fiona.

Yes, thank you darling.

It's nice to work with people who understand the craft.

Hippo pot, hippo pot, leather turtle, leather turtle, bidet, bidet, douche!

Right. We're turning.

Don't forget your teeth Oliver.

- Teeth. - Oh.

Fucking teeth. Yes.

With....with feeling darling.

Yes?

With feeling.

Ready now Oliver?

Then...action!

The only crack you're going to see...

...is the crack of dawn.

And cut.

That'll do.

Body double.

Are you sure Derek? I can do it again.

You can't possibly improve on that.

Well, that's more than can be said for Peter's choice of my stunt double.

I'll grant you he's the right age, but the man's barely five feet tall.

He was the only local who would come out tonight.

And if you hadn't chased off your original double,

we wouldn't have needed him.

An amateur darling. An amateur with a fucking big nose.

No, no, good riddance.

Action.

Now.

Okay, reset.

Jesus Christ!

Action.

It'll soon be over.

Think of the credit.

Well yeah but is it the sort of credit you want.

- Rolling. - Oh Jesus Christ.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Personally, I jumped at the chance to work with an old idol of mine.

And action.

They say you should never meet them.

Yeah or work with children.

Okay reset.

At least it's work.

Yes.

And erm...

... I'd really want to thank you for all the tremendous support you've given me...

...throughout the shoot.

And action.

I know it's not been easy.

The erm...

... I mean the reality is the, the first AD is the hardest job on the set. Everybody hates them.

And settle.

Oh, er, ...

And... action.

Simeon?

Is that you?

Yeah, we're still shooting. Just checking your ETA.

On our way up from the pub.

Nice touch with the signage, by the way.

Having the taxi driver to refuse to go any further towards the manor was perhaps,

a set up too far.

Even for a showman like you, Peter.

Oh, very nice.

Close enough to hear your effects.

Be with you in minutes.

Just another of Peter's stunts.

I can see lights from the Manor.

Why don't we just cut across the grass?

I see no reason not to follow...

I think I've shit myself.

I think I've shit myself.

I have, I've shit myself.

Help me!

Help... me!

Soon hopefully.

Oliver's not quite drunk so we might get away with it.

Yeah, yeah.

We'll do some night shots, you know, keep going until they chuck us out.

Meant to be yesterday.

Yeah. I can't believe my luck.

Hey, keep Oliver busy until they show up.

Make up some shots if you have to.

Do anything to keep him from sneaking off and grabbing a drink.

Okay.

Where is he?

He sneaked off.

Christ!

Just find him!

Hmm.

Oh!

Looks promising.

Oh, vodka.

So uncouth.

Ah, that's more like it.

Oh.

A performer like myself.