Snake Eater

Hey, now, wait, wait, wait. Now let me check now.

How about, yeah, make it liverwurst on rye.

Nah nah, I hate liverwurst.

Yeah, how about roast beef on rye?

That's it, roast beef on rye and a cherry soda.

Yeah, make it cherry soda.

Address, yeah.

How about 377 Avenue A?

Avenue A, buddy.

Right.

What do you mean you don't deliver to this neighborhood?

Let me speak to Joey.

Yeah, to Joey.

They did?

To Joey?

The animals!

Yeah, hey. Hey!

Why you...

Prima donnas, Lou.

They're all prima donnas.

We're on stakeout.

I told you 15 times to bring your lunch.

Would you, would you deliver to this neighborhood?

Hey, Lou, I grew up in this neighborhood.

- Your wife make that, Lou? - Yeah.

Eh, no, thanks, Lou.

Those were the golden tones of the soldier

singing that stakeout classic.

Kumbaya.

Now for my next number.

Wait, everything's going dark.

I, I can't see.

Oh, my God.

I'm blind.

Oh.

Jack Kelly, a former Marine and undercover agent,

was found dead today.

Cause of death, excessive masturbation

due to extreme boredom while waiting for a drug bust.

Kelly, known to his legions of fans as "Soldier,"

first went blind,

then later completely lost his mind

as he yanked himself silly

while waiting for the neighborhood bad guys.

According to a superior, Lieutenant Louis Boulder,

this has been the third masturbation death

that struck the force this year.

More news later.

Hey, Lou, you know, you ask me,

this guy, got a few screws loose.

Hey, don't let this kid fool you.

I checked him out personally.

He is a Marine, one of the elite.

Yeah? Yeah.

He was hooked up with an outfit called "Search and Destroy."

Now what's that, Lou?

The Marines called them "Snake Eaters."

No shit.

Hey, you want some of this?

Nah, it goes right through me, Lou.

Yeah, it sure does.

You know, you gotta be one tough son of a bitch

to make it as a Snake Eater.

And from what I hear, this guy Kelly--

Yeah.

He was one of the best.

Tough, imaginative, and a real fighter.

So what happened, Lou?

What did he do?

Go off to war without his helmet on?

Oh, come on, Lou.

Oh, he's, he's just the rebellious type.

You know, doesn't like authority figures.

Yeah.

I think the Marines called it "failure to adapt."

Oh, that's great, Lou.

That's all we need.

You know how those,

those military stuffed shirts are.

What they consider a discipline problem,

we consider a good cop.

Yeah, well, I'll remember that

the next time I ask for a promotion, Lou.

Can I have a quarter for a cup of coffee?

Sure, take mine.

Well, thanks very much.

Yeah, that's disgusting, Lou.

We interrupt this program for a special report.

It seems our drug bustee has arrived.

Stay tuned, boys.

Well...

Welcome to Club Paradise.

We're all out of food, beverage, and furniture,

but we have a fine selection of rodent and insect life.

Please come in.

All right, Soldier.

Strip.

On our first date?

No dinner, dancing, small talk?

What kind of animal do you think I am?

It's nothing personal.

I just wanna make sure you're not wired.

I'm not wired.

I haven't been near anything white in a week.

This stuff on my lip, it's baby powder.

Very funny.

Hey.

Strip, Soldier.

What's your game?

Well, maybe you've something to hide.

I ain't got nothing to hide.

How do I know you're not a cop?

I got an idea.

You and me are gonna play a little game.

You show me yours, I'll show you mine.

It's only fair.

That guy's gonna strip with a wire on.

Sounds like he's just trying to talk his way out.

The bra.

Your turn.

It's fallen off.

The pants, Soldier.

10 to one says he won't take his pants off.

I thought you'd never ask.

The underwear, Soldier.

What, you think I'm gonna hide a wire in my underwear?

Honey, it looks like you've got

the whole radio station there.

I'm clean.

It's too bad.

I like my men

dirty.

So, Lou, where the hell did he hide the wire?

I, I--

What next, Lou?

I think they're going to consummate the drug bust.

You mean they're gonna screw?

No, he's teaching her to make funny noises.

Hey, asswipe.

Come on, get up.

Hey, who's that, Lou?

Shh.

So, Chloe, you know these guys?

It's about time you got here.

That's it, the Wedding's off.

Hey, baby, I see you really missed me.

I got a short attention span.

Okay, asswipe, hand over the cash,

and I won't blow your balls off,

although I should for screwing my girlfriend.

Looks like she already screwed you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, enough out of yous.

Got business to do.

You're not the only guy I'm gonna fuck over today.

Wait a minute.

You guys ain't got no drugs?

Yeah, I collected money.

I made promises, man.

You might as well pull the trigger and get it over with.

I'm dead.

Let's go.

Serves you right for doing business with a chick.

All right, the stash is in the other room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think I'm stupid, asswipe?

Go nice and slow.

We'll be right behind you.

Whoa.

Easy.

Come on, Soldier!

Get us off!

Picked that one up in Salvador, man.

I've been dying to try it.

I'll kill you!

Get me out of here!

Hey, Chloe.

Did I forget to tell you about the fire escape?

You'll pay for this, Soldier!

Come on, Soldier!

Get us off!

Hi, boys.

Care for a cigar?

I don't believe this, Lou.

This guy's crazy!

Get us outta here!

Oh' no' no, no-.

What did you go and do this for?

Uh, I wanted to make sure they'd stick around.

How am I gonna explain this one to the DA?

First, you go and bop some broad

you're supposed to making a buy from.

Then you spike these guys

when we got them dead to rights.

I ain't got a drug bust.

I got two guys with holes in their feet.

Let me tell you something,

these two clowns are gonna be out on the street

before you can put your cock back in your pants.

Maybe I should have used this.

- Wow, Lou. -Jesus.