Workin' Moms

Four-one-one,

baby's gonna come.

Ready?

Four-one-one,

baby's gonna come.

It's simple.

If your contractions

are four minutes apart,

and the pain lasts

for one full minute,

for the duration of one

full hour,

then, congratulations!

You are ready to deliver.

Yeah, four-one-one,

if you want to spend

eternity in the delivery room.

Take it from me, wait 'til

you're like in a lot of pain,

I'm talking a lot of pain, mhmm.

then like, give it another

three hours.

Anne: Yeah, like,

three-three-three.

Or like, a two-five-five.

One-one-one,

have your baby and you're done.

Yeah, there you go.

What my uh, demonstrators,

slash closest, closest

girlfriends are saying--

Is it true your nose swells?

One out of three women, yeah.

Okay, you don't have

a license.

Will my nipples go back

to normal?

That's a hard no.

They're gonna get longer,

and coarser, yet more sensitive.

Please don't write that down.

Okay, uh, here's a fun fact.

Two out of three women pass

bowels during active labour.

(Scoffs) Yeah. That's not

the poop you gotta worry about.

Oh boy.

It's not?

No! You're gonna take a poop

a couple days after

you give birth that

is gonna break you.

Mhmm.

(Gasps)

Just huge,

like passing a cinderblock.

If I hadn't hooked mine out,

it'd still be up there.

I'm sorry, "hooked"?

Oh yeah, I had to claw it out

like a canary

trying to get to the heart

of a papaya.

Oh no...

Oh don't worry, you'll get

through it in one piece.

Your marriage on the other

hand, not so much.

One of these guys is gonna

cheat.

It's just math.

My money's on this guy.

I see you.

Wow, you really scared

'em in there.

Well, it had to be said!

Those women need to know

that it's entirely possible

that their husband

could've been fucking the nanny

for a fucking year!

Taking her wine tasting.

Calling each other their

"north star"! Fuck!

Okay. All right, man,

take it easy!

Fuck! Sorry, I'm sorry.

Jeez.

Just take my advice.

I'm not going to murder him,

Anne.

Fine. Play it safe.

But know this, all it'd take

is a low-key stop

at the hardware store.

Here we go.

Purchase an industrial

size vat.

What?!

Fill it with quicklime.

What? Anne, stop Googling

how to murder someone.

All right.

I love you.

There we go.

Welcome.

You know you don't have

to move out of my home, right?

It's time.

As much as I love sharing

a bathroom with Alice,

I gotta be able to host

my kids and take a dump

without her screaming,

"courtesy flush"

at me through the door.

That's fair enough.

Well, we're gonna miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

Anne: Hey, this is pretty nice!

Right? I think I'm gonna do

this dorm room style,

You know, like, a couple

candles, a couple pics,

maybe a sock on the door

to let the people know

I still got it, you know?

Oh, you still gettin'

after it in your condition?

Well, not so much,

but my hormones have me

flickin' my bean like

a goddamn demon!

Sorry to intrude.

I have a delivery here.

Aw, Charlie!

I missed your little face!

Oh here, let me help you.

Oh my God it's okay.

She's good.

It's just a cramp, okay?

I brought ice packs

for your back, and...

I'm not sure if you're craving

raspberry tarts again,

but they're...

Great, thank you. Bye bye.

Okay, hey! Just one minute,

please! (Door slams)

Kate: Charlie! Buddy!

(Sighs)

Let's go see your room!

(Exhales heavily)

Goodnight.

Woman yells: What the fuck

is wrong with you?

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

This place is really starting

to look like a business!

Can you run a business

with no clients?

We've got one client.

Now tell me that you've

got a good candidate

for the assistant position.

Well, he's very young,

and has zero experience.

But he's got a hell

of a reference.

From who?

Richard.

Okay!

Who also happens to be

his father.

Okay, got it. Anything else?

Yeah, there's a bunch

of bills that are piling up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, first

we get an assistant, okay?

then we'll get some

more clients,

and then those bills get paid.

Now let's just hope this guy's

got something

goin' on upstairs.

But out of all

the "Fast and Furious" movies,

I just feel like

"Fate of the Furious"

best captures, like, the family.

And that's what I wanna be

a part of.

A family, like your company.

Right...