The Fight Machine

You hear it said

that a man can change his personality

the very essence of who or what he is

by no more than 5%.

That's the sum and total change any one of us is capable of.

At first you might think it sounds trivial.

5%. What's that?

A fingernail cutting.

A handprint on the window of a skyscraper.

But when you stop and consider the vastness

of the human psyche,

then that number begins to acquire some real weight.

Now think of the entirety of our known universe.

Hundreds of billions of galaxies,

each of them with hundreds of trillions of stars,

planets, moons, and other celestial bodies.

All of that visible matter only equals 5%.

So considered on those terms,

5% is colossal.

5%?

That's a whole new you.

Yeah.

Introduce me to your friend, babe.

We've barely introduced ourselves.

She's being coy. Paul Harris.

Todd.

Are you, uh, with her?

That's very perceptive of you, Todd.

- Paul. - You can't be serious.

This lumberjack's got as much flair as an unflushed toilet.

Shh! He might hear you.

Yeah, I was thinking maybe you'd like to come back...

I'm a big fan of the beard.

Do they make you wear a beard net

- when you make mochaccinos? - Paul.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

- You know I'm kidding, right? - I'm sorry.

That's cool. That's cool. I get it. I get it.

Hey, seeing as how we're buddies now and all,

maybe I should tell you to watch your mouth.

Or else someone might put a boot up your ass.

Are you threatening me, Todd?

No, no. I'm just saying words have consequences, Paul.

Like, if I were to call you a cocksucker motherfucker,

that would have consequences, wouldn't it?

Wouldn't it?!

I'll leave you to it.

Why did you talk to him like that?

Hey.

My God!

Hey, Paul!

I'm gonna split your wig, bud.

You're fucking pathetic.

Stop. Please don't.

Please. I give. Stop it, please.

I'll get started on that mochaccino for you.

Oh, my God.

Did they... Did they do this to you because of me?

Jesus.

Oh, my God. Holy shit.

You're good? Your tooth.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Okay. Okay. Okay.

I'm gonna call my brother.

He'll get his buddies, and they'll come help us.

Paul?

Paul!

What the fuck? Chickenshit!

What's up?

Top of the morning to you, lazybones.

Lazybones? Why? 'Cause I actually got some sleep.

What did you do? You pull another all-nighter at Fritz's?

Oh, Robby, you should have seen it.

It was glorious.

I was on a roll, right up until the point

that I went all in on a pair of ladies

and the other guy was holding kings.

I should have learned a long time ago

ladies are nothing but trouble.

Speaking of which, how's old Katie-pie, yeah?

You wake up a little extra tired this morning?

We're just friends.

Friends with benefits?

Who you sparring with?

Oh, my boy.

Always changing the subject.

Well, that big fella there.

Louie Scarpella.

Heavyweight out of Buffalo.

Trainer wants to work him against a flat-footed grinder.

Actually said that right to my fucking face. Can't believe.

You guys having a little social hour out there or what?

Robby, get your ass in gear.

What are you playing hard to get, Tom?

Your gentleman caller's waiting for you?

Yeah, yeah. Time to make the doughnuts.

- Work out. - All right.

Robby, Come on. Let's go to the machine.

Hold your horses.

Don't chase, don't chase. Work for it. Work for it.

Come on, Robby.

Find your range. Find your range.

Come on, son! Harder!

Breathe, breathe.

Breathe, breathe.

Pop it.

Snap that punch!

Well, well, well.

You, son of mine, are late.

Extenuating circumstances.

Yowch.

Jeez, that's a beaut.

Lay off.

I'm not a grape.

How'd that happen?

Fell down some stairs.

Well, I was gonna ask you

to give some Chinese investors a tour,

but I guess I'll have to do it now.

Oh, hey, How was your date last night?

That face, pretty sweet, huh?

Yeah. She'll inherit a fortune one day.

Nice ass too.

I think I'm gonna take the day off.

Yeah. Good idea.

And go get your teeth fixed.

You look like you ought to be giving hay rides

through the Appalachia.

Hey, you guys need any help?

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Fuck!

Fuck.

What the hell happened? Are you okay? I'm fine.

Just hit some black ice.

I thought you were gonna get your teeth fixed.

I spent the afternoon picking grapes.

Picking grapes?

Evening, Mr. Harris.

Oh, hey, Mike. What's the damage?

There's some pretty extensive damage to it.

It's probably going to take two, maybe three weeks.

- Christ. - Oh, in the meantime,

here's a list of the loaner cars.

I can see why these are the loaners.

I guess I'll take the Lexus coupe.

Wait, wait, no.

Just give me the worst piece of shit you have.

Hey, Rueben, where's your brother?

Why does he owe you money?

Supposed to be training with him.

I'll get him.

I'll go.

Yeah? Good boy, Robby.

Hard for him to spar with my foot in his ass.

- Hey, Fritz. - Hey.

What's up, Robby?

Um, is my uncle here?

Ha. Does the pope shit in the woods?

Of course he's here, man. Go on in.

He's been here all night.

He'll be lucky if he's got to pennies to rub together.

Tommy.

Tommy.

Uncle Tommy, wake up.

Wake up. Hey.

Robby.

You shouldn't be here, kiddo.

Yeah, well, it was either me or my dad.

Oh, in that case, glad to see you.

Oh, look what you did.

Big one. Oh, bad boy. Bad boy.

So when is your next fight, Robby?

Golden Gloves qualifiers.

You need a cut man?

What makes you think he's going to need a cut man?

Just want to be a part of it.

Oh, everybody wants to be a part of it now. Ooh!

- See you tonight? - No, you've bled me dry.

I need time to recoup.

Maybe on the weekend, though, Fritzy, huh?

Aren't you at the barn on the weekend?

Oh, it's that time of the month.

No, thanks.

I feel like 10 pounds of shit

in a five-pound bag.

Yeah, Fritzy said you were playing all night.

Yep. It's a sucker's game.

Don't ever do it, Robby, all right?

- Remember that. - Okay.

Who am I sparring with again?

Scarpella.

Oh, fuck. Scarpella.

- What? - He ain't going nowhere.

I know it. You know it. He probably knows it too.

How am I supposed to help someone who's beyond help?

You know what that makes me,

A punching bag for 15 bucks a round.

Then why do you do it?

If you don't like it,

just don't step through the ropes, Tommy.