Metalocalypse

Legendary Dethklok guitarist Skwisgaar Skwigelf

has proven to be quite the ladies' man over the years

But has that come back to haunt him?

Recent law suits claim that he has fathered

literally thousands ofillegitimate children

Of course that entire case wasthrown out

after the following was submitted

skwisgaar is in no way the legal father,

guardian, etc of these children

You see, in order to get backstage

or have any kind of audience with skwigelf,

every man woman and child must sign a "paternity waiver"

that legally disallows even the notion

that skwisgaar could be the father of their children

regardless of a potential positive DNA test

Is there a bigger connection here?

Skwisgaar Skwigelfnever actually met his father

Is that why he feels the need to father

so many illegitimate children?

Is the lack ofa father in Skwigelf's life

the reason he became a guitar god?

And can he stay a guitar god?

Is the pressure ofbeing a deadbeat father

getting to him?

citing guitar exhaustion

How can a man continue this kind ofsexual promiscuity

and still lead a normal life?

Is Skwigelf on the verge of a nervous guitar breakdown?

Here you are, ma'am

sorry about the loss in the law suit

However, we'd like to donate a standard issue parting package

including enough money for college tuition, food stamps,

the entire Dethklok CD catalogue,

and of course $5 off at Hot Topic

There you go

Mr skwigelf!

How do you feel about all the fatherless children

and abandoned mothers out there?

Please stand away or you'll be tasered

Yeah, uh

What are you, uh, thinking about your dad?

Yeah

I mean he could have left, uh,

right after the deed was done and, uh,

never even held you

in his arms

The mighty strength of a father's touch

lost forever

Gone

My father had strong hands

I think it's time I found my father

Doodily ding dong ticktock

Doodily ding dong ticktock

Doodily ding dong ticktock

Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok!

so, uh, I think we should be

a little sensitive toward skwisgaar,

he's going through a lot

He started searching for his biological father

so maybe we can just show a little affection towards him

Ha ha!! Dats gays!

C'mon man, don't say, "showing affection"

and expect us to fuckin' react

Okay, well guys listen

I mean think about it

skwisgaar never had a father, alright?

so? My dad's just died

And I'm totally cools with it

Guys, I'm saying he never even had a

My father's dead and I'm totally fine

I love that my dad's dead

I got no relationship with my dad

Other than I hate him, you know?

Get out of here You belong in a garbage can

You know, I realized the other day

that I don't even know his first name

And I'm proud

I'm proud to know that I don't know that

Alright, I get it Fine

You are all without fathers, alright

I'm not 'Fucking love my dad

My dad's fucking awesome

Just be nice to skwisgaar alright everybody, okay?

see what we can do to make his life

a little bit easier alright?

Eh, make his life easier huh?

I don't wants to sounds insensitives

buts I means uhhh, if skwisgaars doesn't

gets his craps togethers

I may really has a shots at beings leads guitarist!

Me Toki!

Finallys ams no mores in de shadows

Whats do you thinks about dat, Pickle?

Toki, don't you think it's a little early

to start jumping to conclusions?

Jumps to conclusions?

Whats de fucks am dats supposed to means, huh?

Nothing Nothing!

You listens to me

Whens I becomes leads guitarist

things am gonna change around here!!

Fine fine, just let go of me!

You're squeezing my nipples off!

I'm sorry!

Don't get physical with people!

One minute, 45 seconds

Hey Nate look, look I got to talk to you

You know how my role in this band has always been

that of like a band father

I'm sure you'll agree You know?

I'm kind of like the father, the seeds of the band

You know what I'm saying Ugh

Well, you know skwisgaar, he doesn't have a father

so you get where I'm going with this?

Uhh

I'm the band father He's fatherless

Would you move a little bit please?

Oh sure Yeah, yeah, yeah

see I'm going to help skwisgaar to experience

what it's like to have a father

see this is what I do best! I do it anyway

Can you move a little bit further?

I just wanna you're in front of the microwave

Oh sorry right

Can I say one other thing?

I think it's a really bad idea

What?

To fuck around with skwisgaar's whole father issue

skwisgaar doesn't have a father

I'll be his father

What are you dildos looking at?

You know skwisgaar is not the only one

without a father around here

You know?

Rumors have circulated causing a frenzied panic

that skwisgaar skwigelf has started

a worldwide search for his biological father

Anythings yet?

Not yet, sire

several thousand gentlemen have come forward

claiming to be your father

several thousgand?

They all claim to have had sex with your mother,

surfetta, in a period of a month

This seems impossible, sire

Ugh, you don't know my moms Ugh

Perhaps she would be of aide in this search

shall I contact her?

No! Don't contact her

You liable winds up being a candidate for my dads too

Alright you know?

Anyways, I think she's part of the problem

Moms, I'm homes

Can I come in?

skwisgaar, I want to offer you something

absolutely spectacular

I'm offering to be your father,

uh, a father

A father figure for you

I wanna be your father, figure

skwisgaar just treat me like the dad you never had

Call me Dad Go on, give it a shot

Just call me Dad Go on

Hey, uh I'm just seeing what you guys are doing, you know?

see if anybody, you know,

maybe wanted to take me to the park or something

Pickles! Fuck off!

I'm having a man to man talk with my

strong and brave little solider here

I'm very brave

And very strong too, I mean

Pickles damn it I'm going to count to three

I don't understand why you don't

shut your mouth and listen!

I'm going to count to three and you better beat it

or I will seriously spank your ass red

But I wanna hang out too!

One! Why can't I go?!

Two!! Why can't I hang out!!

Three!! Whoaaaa!

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh! I've got a lot of fun planned for us, junior!

Let's get those boots on! Come on!

Pickle! What's wong with you?

What's going on?

Nothing

Just why does Murderface favor skwisgaar over me?

What's wrong with me?

Wait, so what Murderface is really acting

like a father to skwisgaar?

I mean How's that going?

lt's goings great!

I mean, you should see them together!!

They get along like real father and son

I mean, what about us?

And here we sit like a couple of homos

Totally excluded

Just like my old man did to me!

Yeah! Me, too!

This is gonna screw me up so much!