No Heroics

Ding.

- Superpowers Authority. - Hello.

Electroclash. The disciplinary hearing?

Hello? Superpowers Authority.

- Electroclash. - Speak up. I can't hear you.

Doors open.

- No unauthorised entry. This is... - Intercom, play Bhangra.

Well... hear we are again, Electroclash.

Abuse of powers and bringing your cape into disrepute.

I don't wear a cape, actually.

Last time you were in front of the Superpowers Authority

was for defrauding a cigarette machine.

Whoa! Crime of the century!

This time it's for exploding a dialysis machine.

- Self-defence. - Electrocuting a monkey.

- Also self-defence. - And erm... something about a vibrator.

Tape stop.

Oh, very clever.

Scribe here is taking notes.

- What's your power? - Shorthand.

That's not a power.

Normally, you would be suspended.

But out of respect for your parents, we'll let you off.

- Oh, mint! - With community service.

Fuck!

Zerox, run five of those off for me, please.

Bet you're fun at the office party!

- All right? - Hello.

Wanker!

Look at this. The Hotness, The Hotness, The Hotness, The Hotness.

Superhero stickers!

I can't afford a mouth to piss in and you buy these?

- One pack had two of me in it. - Oh, congratulations!

No, Don. The more they print of you, the more shit you are.

It's true. Look who he's with. Space Pony, The Cobbler. Thrush.

My problem is, I don't get the right press.

You don't get any! Recognition factor, minus 6.

- I wish I was that anonymous. - I'm not anonymous.

He's got the same recognition factor as Miasma.

- He's invisible. - Oh, hello.

- Are they letting villains in now? - Don't make me stab you, Alex.

- Did you get suspended? - Worse.

Community fucking service.

- Ouch. - 20 hours...

mentoring a sidekick with behavioural difficulties.

Sidekicks are there for an easy fuck.

And to help you solve crimes.

- And that too. - So, you're gonna have some...

immature little prick tagging around after you for a whole day.

I managed two years with you.

Yeah!

I mean, I'm meant to be a positive role model.

Show 'em there's more to life than getting pissed.

- We all know that's not true. - So, where are you taking him?

The Science Museum? Laserquest?

- Megabowl? The ice rink? - You should be on a register.

What about a petting Zoo. It's lambing season.

It's also happy hour.

So we'll be doing community service the old-fashioned way: in the pub.

- Oh. Can I fuck him? - No.

Got... got.

Got.

Need.

- Got... - Usual, please, Norse Dave.

Hey, everyone. It's Hot Flush!

The Hotness. Hello, Devlin! Hello, Devlin's little disciples.

We've got some pictures of you here. Around 30 of them, to be honest.

Don't suppose you've got one Excelsor to swap?

I'm not 10 years old, Devlin.

You'd know the Excelsor had a shiny silver background.

- Recognition factor, 400. - 300, actually!

Whatever.

Hey. Great work saving that car ferry last week.

It was you who saved the car ferry.

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Great work.

Brilliant...

- Is that guy checking me out? - Ooh, that's Carl.

- You know what his power is? - Sarah, I'm about people, not powers.

Why does everyone think they can take the piss out of me?

Cos you're a harmless little puppy fart.

I'm not a puppy fart. I can be trouble.

You don't know what trouble is.

That was my fourth time in front of the SPA today.

You're punishment is babysitting.

They wouldn't trust me near a vulnerable young boy.

Not in a Don way.

Listen. I can be a fucking hell-raiser.

I just need to find a place where I can express it.

Well, don't express it anywhere near me.

OK, I won't. Don? Let's go.

Me?

I can't go on my own. You've got a great reputation.

Drinking, swearing.

Torturing people.

No, Alex. Why don't you take some of your other friends. Like Dimbo, or...

- Drizzler? - Come on.

There must be some way I can persuade you.

Yeah, OK. That'll do it.

- Fine. I'll pay for your drinks. - Behave yourselves, boys.

No chance.

- Ready to raise hell, gay boy? - Jesus Christ!

We'll do the play fighting later.

- What are you on about? - All right.

I'm a superhero! I got ID!

I have 2 staples in my side from the Falklands,

but it doesn't make me Linda Lusardi.

- The Falklands and Linda Lusardi? - Exactly. You're a kid. Bugger off!

I've got this, Dave. All right?

No sidekicks in here. All right?

I'm not a fucking sidekick!

Well, you're not Purple Torrent either. She's Japanese, for one thing!

Racialist!

All right. You leave me no choice but to summon my monkeythunder.

Whoa, there, chimp-gimp.

We haven't got two hours to wait for your monkeys.

No. It's quicker now. I've found this place in Wiltshire.

It's more expensive, but they're here in 40, 45 minutes.

- He's with me. - You know the rules. Over 21s only.

No sidekicks. I'm in enough trouble for serving that 12-year-old.

Hey. He was half wolf. How were we to know?

I'll look after him, OK? Just give him a drink.

- Something from the kids' menu. - Stand down, Thundermonkey.

Stand down.

Are you Alcotrash?

- Close enough. - First thing,

don't touch me, or you'll be eating through a straw.

Best make it a triple, Dave.

- Where are you taking us, bad boy? - Somewhere dangerous.

Where the women are dirty and the bar does not serve soft drinks.

Somewhere so shocking, it's gonna be front page news.

Oh. Sounds good.

You don't actually know anywhere like this, do you, Alex?

- Waggamommas? - It's OK.

I know lots of places. Very dark, very seedy.

You can do whatever you like.

Just to clarify, I wanna be seen as a bad boy, not a gay boy.

OK. I know a strip club. The girls are pretty hot.

They'll even be nice to a sad wanker like you, cos...

it's what they're paid for.

Sounds fucking amazing!

- Let's get this over with, shall we? - Whatever.

Never knew you had a kid. Must have been young when you had him. 24, 25?

I'm not his mother. Are you his granddad?

Might be. How big's your cock?

Your mum didn't complain?

- I'm looking after him. - Oh, looking after him. I get it.

Relive your own youth by banging this one.

Good luck, son. Give her one for me, yeah?

Fuck off!

Careful, kid.

- Why? Are you a paedophile? - You wish.

I like it! Sexy, glamorous and a little bit dangerous.

- Somewhat like me. - It's a fucking dump.

- But it's where the bad people go. - Just stick with me. You'll be OK.

My God! I can see a girl's boobs!

Hi, Don. Usual?

- Hey, Caley. How's the new tits? - Good. Do you want a feel?

Very nice, if you like that kind of thing.

I'll get you some drinks.

How did you find this place? It's amazing!

I came here once. Followed this guy to the toilet.

Cut his dong off with a flick knife.

- It was a work thing. - Well, none of that tonight.

Don't steal my thunder. No-one likes a thunder thief.

- Shall I introduce you to the girls? - No. Yes.

No. OK.

Can I touch a boob?

He's still watching me. Look. We're flirting.

Jenny. About Carl.

Oi! Stop sniffing pens! He keeps doing that.

- Oh, yeah. This is Jenny. - Hello, there. And what's your name?

My name is Suck My...

- Jack! His name is Jack! - And what powers have you got, Jack?

There's a rule. Don't use your powers in here.

Well, we'll go somewhere else, then. Show you what I can do.

Rule Two. Save the sexual innuendo for someone who's interested.

She looks interested. Don't look like she gets much.

I hear you've had some problems with the police.

It's hard, growing up different. I remember how it was.

No-one playing kiss chase with me in case I broke their ribs.

But I made it. And now I'm the world's third strongest person.

Where it matters... on the inside.

If there's anything you wanna ask me...

- Ever snapped a man's cock off? - No. No, I haven't.

- What have you heard? - Excuse me?

Look, I... I don't suppose you'd...

You know, I'm just gonna grab a quick game of pool.

I thought you were gonna help me rehabilitate him.

But flirty man's asked me to play pool. And he's not as nice as I expected.

Course he's not. That's the whole fucking point!

- Dozy cow! - I know.

Same again?

Yeah, go on, then.

- You have a beautiful action, Jenny. - Thank you.

So, how come I've not seen you here before?

It's Carl. I've been travelling the oceans.

- Ooh, a sailor. - Not exactly.

Maybe you've heard of me. I have the power...

Shh! No need to talk powers. Let's get acquainted as Jenny and Carl.

Like normal people.