Friday Night Dinner

Here you go, Pissface.

Get off. God, you're such a tosser. Ow!

Such a baby.

Shut up!

Look at me in my little red glovie wovies.

It's called being cold.

Hi, Mum!

Hi, boys.

And Mummy's going to wash all my dirty clothies for me.

Why are you just talking in your normal voice?

Such a baby.

What? For having a broken boiler and no hot water?

What? For having a broken boiler and no hot water?

What, you mean these?

Oh, get off!

Oh, hello, bambinos.

Hi, Dad.

Atchoo!

Ah, God!

Nice one, Dad.

Oh, excuse me!

That was gross!

That was incredible.

I've got a lousy cold.

Well, thanks, and so have I now.

It's only a few germs.

- Yeah, a few hundred million germs. - You all right?

Hi, Mum. Dad just sneezed on Pissface.

Martin, please can you stop sneezing on everyone?

What?

Oh, just put your bosoms away.

I told you, I'm bloody boiling.

Your dad!

I swear I'm so hot I could rip my own skin off.

Feel free.

What's this box, Mum?

Leave it! It's a surprise. I'll show you later.

A surprise?

What shall I do with my dirty washing?

Well... well, don't dump it there. Put it in the shitty basket.

What?

The shitty basket.

Oh, the shitty basket.

Mm, crimble crumble.

Off!

Here, shitty basket.

Thanks.

So come on, then, that box...

Oh, God! Not in my hair! Jesus!

Ha-ha! Yes!

Ah, excuse me again!

You're a pig!

You're a genius.

Go outside.

It's not my fault.

Just go outside and finish...

whatever you were doing.

Well, I can't control my nasal passages.

Atchoo!

I've probably got head cancer now.

Agh, he sneezed all over a baby today. So embarrassing.

Wash this snot out of my hair.

What? What's this?

Stop it!

Stop what?

Argh, it's in my eyes!

- What is? - Mum!

Bye, Pusface!

Jonny!

Can you help me, please?

Um, I'm a bit busy at the moment.

Why are you bringing a lawnmower in here?

Cos I'm going to use it to slice up your mother.

No, it's all buggered.

I think it must have chewed up a bird or something.

Nice!

Finally!

I do my hair in there sometimes.

Really?

Yeah, and me bits.

Where do you want it?

Just put it down. Not on me!

Good one, Dad!

Your mother!

Where is he? Adam?

Pus for brains?

Atchoo!

Well, aren't you going to say "bless you"?

Bless you.

- Oh, thank you. - Doesn't Adam's hair look nice?

Ha-ha.

Agh, get off!

What is the matter with you two?

Ow!

Probably too much testosterone. It's the same with male gibbons.

So go on, then.

Oh, OK.

So, Dad and I were clearing out some old stuff

the other day, when we came across this box.

We didn't know what it was...

Taking too long.

Much too long.

Ah, cool!

Oh, my God, Jonny's stupid old cap!

Oh, yeah!

Let me put it on for you.

Ah, get off!

Jesus!

Jonny.

I don't remember this.

- Er, it's a pencil. - Yes, Dad. Jonny...

Argh! You bastard!

Adam.

Oh, my God! Look at little Pusface!

I know! And look at Buggy.

- Urgh, disgusting Buggy. - Buggy was not disgusting.

Ooh, you loved that rabbit.

He used to do things to it.

Very good.

Used to kiss it all over his body before you went to bed. Remember?

See!

Yes, OK.

Er, thank you.

What is it?

Adam's diary from when he was 11. Isn't that amazing?

- Give us a look. - It's private.

Private? You were 11.

So? Did you read it?

Course I didn't read it.

Did you read it?

No, I just told you, it's private.

Dad, did Mum read my diary?

Um, only April.

April?

And some of May.

Excellent.

I told you not to.

Oh, no, sorry, your mum didn't read it, that was...

a different woman.

I forgot what I was meant to say.

- You didn't read it? - No.

Good. Least there's someone with...

Just half of September.

Great! So everyone's read my diary.

I haven't.

Well, thank you, Mum and Dad, for betraying me.

Don't be so dramatic.

There was nothing interesting in it anyway, was there?

Most of it was about that thing you had with your bottom.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, Adam's arse problem.

Oh, very good. OK, can we eat now?

Oi!

"I love Mummy and Daddy so much, sometimes it makes me cry.

"I would kill myself if Mummy and Daddy died

"in a terrible accident or even if they just died." Amazing!

Come on, give it.

"June 6th, Jonny lost Pandy today and cried so much he was sick."

Jonny!

Mum, do you remember when I lost Pandy?

Oh, yeah, when he lost Pandy.

What animal was Pandy again?

A panda.

Oh, yes.

OK, now.

"But he's not going to find it unless he looks in the outside bin!" What?!

I don't remember doing...

"I went out and dumped it in there

"and it got all covered in smelly old onions,

"and that's the end of Pandy." You threw my Pandy in the bin?

What? It was a long time ago...

What happened?

Pusface threw Pandy in the outside bin.

Well, go and get it out, then.

Martin, it was 15 years ago.

Oh, well, it would have definitely rotted away by now.

- How could you do that? - Oi!

Do you know how much I loved my Pandy?

Jonny, it was years ago.

Exactly, it was years ago.

Mum, it's Pandy we're talking about. Pandy!

Well, maybe you shouldn't have done that, then.

Oh, Adam, you're a naughty boy. Martin, tell him.

You're a naughty boy.

Dad!

Come on, then, din-dins.

OK, well, I'm going to find Buggy and I'm going to shit him up.

You are not going to shit Buggy up.

I am going to shit Buggy up.

Boys, enough now, all right? It's dinner time.

Yes, listen to your mother.

Thank you.

You can shit Buggy up later.

Nice soup?

You killed my Pandy.

You killed my Pandy!

Nice soup, Martin?

What is it?

Vegetable.

Tastes like pear.