Glee

Mr. Clarington!

Mr. Clarington! Mr. Clarington!

What do you have to say about the steroid allegations?

I look forward to my day in court.

Until then, I have no comment.

Uh, what about the report that you look way too old

to still be in high school?

Hey, hey, hey!

What is your problem?!

A blood test administered

by the Show Choir Governing Board tested positive

for performance-enhancing drugs,

stripping Dalton Academy of their Sectionals title

and sending Lima's own McKinley High School Show Choir

to Regionals and a chance to repeat as National Champions.

I can't believe it. This is what they think news is news now?!

Andrea... I can't take this anymore.

I cannot... take this... anymore!

I've had it!

I've had enough!

I went to school for this?!

(laughing, sobbing hysterically)

Well, it looks like someone's getting a younger,

hotter co-anchor.

After the break, a Fort Wayne squirrel who's also... a doctor?

We'll be right back.

All right, people, we are back!

First of all,

big props to Sam and Blaine for all their hard work

to make this happen. But... there's no time to celebrate.

We just lost three weeks of prep time for Regionals, and

we still have to raise $400 to pay

for the bus to get to the competition in Indianapolis.

It's the Paris of Indiana.

I propose a bake sale.

I mean... it worked last time.

Well, that's because Puck spiked the cupcakes with Mary Jane.

I'd be willing to cut off my hair

to sell it for extra cash.

To who?

Jamaican kids with Rastafarian cancer?

Or as rigging on a haunted pirate ship?

I could sell more of my semen.

This is silly. I know exactly how we're gonna get the money.

"The Men of McKinley" calendar.

Let's face it... this is

the cutest crop of Glee boys we've ever had.

That's great. And it's January,

so it's the perfect time to sell them.

There are six guys, so each one can take two months.

I think Blaine should definitely be December.

You can do a Santa thing but sexy.

Sexy Claus.

: I'm in as long as I can take my shirt off.

Wait, why does it have to be just the men?

Why can't we objectify the girls, too?

'Cause girls are the ones that buy stuff.

We're responsible for the consumer-

driven economy. Those Twilight books

are poop on paper, and we've turned them

into a billion-dollar industry. Team Jacob.

This could actually work.

Tina... you're in charge.

You can set up the photo shoots. Everybody else,

pick your months and work on your concepts.

Good job, Tina!

Hey, what are you doing after school today? Um...

Welcome back to Fondue for Two.

You may know tonight's guest only as the girl

with the fat mom who ruined Sectionals for everybody.

Please give it up for McKinley's very own... Marley Rose.

So, Marley, is it true that you spent six hours

waiting in line to see The Hunger Games?

I love those books.

So do you think that you relate to The Hunger Games

because you yourself are hungry?

When I was growing up, my mom said that I was a pet psychic.

That's cool. So, can you tell me

what Lord Tubbington is thinking right now?

Yeah.

I think he wants to lose some weight, and he has an online

gambling addiction.

Wrong.

If you would've told me that Lord Tubbington

was secretly a slumlord, I would've believed you.

None of your high-rises are up to code.

Those families are living in squalor and they deserve better.

Aah! Oh! This is boiling hot!

Let's talk about boys. (Gasps)

Please admit to my viewing audience

that you are in love with Jake.

I thought so.

If Jake is brave enough to take off his clothes for Glee's.

Men of McKinley calendar,

don't you think you owe him the same courtesy?

You mean, take off my clothes?

No. I meant that you...

should be honest and vulnerable and tell him

exactly how you feel.

Sexy teen imbeciles.

The S.A.T. scores are in,

and you have managed to receive the highest and lowest scores

ever recorded at McKinley!

Yes!

I knew it. Secret genius.

Brittany S. Pierce has received a near-perfect 2340

on her exam. Wait, what? How?

Clearly, she cheated. No, I did not cheat.

I swear.

All I did was I filled in "A" for a while

and then "C" for a little bit and then "D"

and then I did "A" again and then I used the dots to draw

a clown and then a penis.

Wait... (sighs) What were my scores?

You got a 340, which in clinical trials

is a score routinely bested by monkeys.

Sam... don't worry, okay?

You don't need to go to college like the rest of us.

You have a really great body.

You could be a personal trainer. You could...

be a greeter at Abercrombie. You could be a greeter

at Abercrombie's corporate headquarters...

Whatever you want to do... but meanwhile,

my future looks bright. I'm gonna graduate.

I'll go to Harvard or "Princetown"

or "MITT" or "Stanford and Son"

or the "University of California at Charles."

Barkley's House," 'cause evidently

I'm one of the smartest people in America.

Your audition was great, Rachel.

I don't need to hear you read it again.

Look, this film is my senior thesis,

and I'd like you to be a part of it.

Any questions?

Your script, Electra... it's so raw

and personal. I just was wondering, um...

Come Back to Me, Grandmother: A Journey into Alzheimer's...

is that you and-and your grandmother?

The grandmother slipping into dementia is... an allegory.

Of course. Yeah. Obviously.

Of the end of the world.

You would be playing

both me and, in the black-and-white flashbacks, my grandmother.

Okay.

If you're willing to go on this adventure with me.

I... I would be honored.

I would.

Great. There is one thing:

You will have to be topless in the ballroom scene with Titus.

That's not going to be a problem, is it?

I'm a strong and confident woman.

I'm the one who asked Brody to move in.

I'm the one who almost made it out of Agent Provocateur

without giggling. And let's face it,

my breasts are my prizewinners.

You almost made it out, but you didn't.

Let's face it.

You're also the girl who makes Brody

turn the lights off when you're cuddling.

You have a beautiful body, but are you really ready

to expose yourself to the world?

That what all great artists do.

They expose themselves.

Expose their souls, not their flesh.

But it's all part of the same package.

A-Am I really expected to be able

to bare my soul if I'm ashamed of the body that holds it?

I think a little shame is a good thing.

You're not a porn star,

even though your hair and your makeup makes you

look like one. That's mean.

I'm sorry. But... your hair has gotten a little out of hand.

Point taken.

Well, I guess there's only one way to resolve this.

Sing about it. Thank God.

Hit it.

(Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn" begins)