Kin-dza-dza! (Кин-дза-дза!)

Kin-Dza-Dza!

Screenplay by Revaz GABRIADZE, Georgi DANELIYA

Directed by Georgi DANELIYA

Camera And Staging: Pavel LEBESHEV

Music: Giya KANCHELI

Starring:

Stanislav LYUBSHIN as Vladimir Nikolaevich "Vovka" Mashkov aka "Uncle Vova"

Evgeni LEONOV as Uef ("Chatlanian")

Yuri YAKOVLEV as Be ("PatZak")

Levan GABRIADZE as Gedevan aka "Fiddler"

- Hi. - Hi.

Anything new?

Pipes sprang a leak at the construction site.

Mommy, mommy, give me some advice. Winter's coming with the frost and ice.

You don't have a warm and pretty shawl. And no fur coat do I have at all!

- How's our "A-grade" student? - He's out with friends.

Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot.

Oh, and fetch some noodles too.

Comrade, that man over there says he's from another planet. We have to do something.

Call 911.

I will, but he's almost barefoot. He'll catch a cold.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Please, excuse my bad smell.

It's cold here. I found this in a garbage bin.

Well done!

Friend! Please, tell me your planet number in Tenture,

or at least the galaxy number in the Spiral.

I pushed the wrong keys and now I can't return home.

Well, my dear fellow, we don't remember the number...

Look, let's send this guy to the information office,

and we'll wait for him together at the baker's, okay?

- You can put these on. - Uh-huh... Thank you.

Look, friends. There's no need for the baker's

or the information office.

This is my planet: Uzm, 247 in Tenture,

Galaxy Beta in The Spiral.

This is my space-teleportation gadget.

Which keys should I push to get teleported home?

Since time is relative... You do understand that, right?

OK, my friend. I have a proposition. We "push the keys" now...

and get teleported to your place.

But if your little gizmo doesn't work...

you will be transported to where we transport you. A deal?

No, you can't do it without knowledge.

Sure we can.

And you? What do you see? Huh?

- Sand... - So, the frickin' gizmo worked.

And that freak with a grid... Did he stay behind?

Keep calm! Just keep calm.

We have sun, sand... and we have gravity.

- Where are we? We are on Earth, or... - Or...?

No, let's assume we're on Earth, in some desert. Right?

Say, Karakum. Huh?

What other deserts do we have?

- Gobi, Sahara... - I said 'we' have!

We also have... Kyzylkum.

No. Let's assume it's Karakum. Huh?

So, the sun is to the west, Ashgabad-city must be there.

Understood? Let's go.

Come on! Come on!

Comrade, what is your name?

Vladimir Nikolaevich.

- I'm Gedevan. - 'Pleased to meet you.'

You have a bottle in your bag. Is it wine?

No. It's vinegar.

I also have some herbs and spices.

Then... all systems go.

Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you remember the number he mentioned?

- The man I gave my socks to... - No.

Maybe, we're on his planet?

Listen, Fiddler...

We can guess all we want. That won't change a frickin' thing!

We've chosen a direction and we keep walking.

We just need to get to the water. Clear?

Vladimir Nikolaevich, I want to change into slippers.

- Well, do it! - Then stop walking!

- What time is it? - Four.

- At night? - At night.

Are you late for something?

It's embarrassing...

I called from the airport, said I'd be there in an hour, and...

- You study music? - No. The violin isn't mine.

It is Maestro Rogozin's.

He was on a tour in my hometown, and after the concert

they forgot to put the violin in the plane.

- Banquet? - Nope, just a dinner.

- Oh... Are you from Tbilisi? - From Batumi.

I thought I would return the violin and manage to catch the commuter train.

- I study Textile Manufacturing in Ivanovo. - Uh-huh...

I wanted to study International Relations in Moscow, but there they told me...

Hush!

A man.

Hello.

A capitalist country...

Do you speak any foreign languages?

English, French... after a fashion.

Tell them we have no money.

Tell them now! It's not a free show.

How do you do?

We are tourists. We've lost our group.

Please, give us a ride to the nearest city, and we'll find our way from there.

Translate.

Hello.

We have no money.

We left money, passports and foreign currency with our guide.

We stepped aside for a moment and got lost in the sands.

Take it. Very warm.

Excuse me.

You want my fur-cap? Here you are.

It's not mine. I can't give it away.

- There's nothing in there. - Open it.

It's not wine, it's vinegar.

Sour, isn't it?

So, that's settled then? Friend, will you give us a ride?

Fiddler, hurry up!

Just to the nearest city. We'll be all right there.

What? My jacket?

Jerks...

I'm glad I didn't give them the violin.

Looks like they're sorry.

"Ketze" what?

I think he wants a match.

You want a match?

Take it.

The whole box?

You get us out of here, and we'll give you the "koo".

Not a single letter, not a single "Made in", heh?

Sorry. I don't understand.

"Sprechen Sie Turkish?"

What do they want?

It's "koo" they want.

Thank you.

He wants me to put on a bell.

It's his problem.

I'll put it on, Vladimir Nikolaevich. It's getting rather awkward.

Whatever.

All right, you win.

I'll just have a smoke.

Easy! Easy there. Easy.

Vladimir Nikolaevich, maybe we are really on...

Yeah, typical Martians.

"Lucy, darling, damn you! You just had to get those noodles!"

Well. You do speak Russian. Why did you keep it back?

We didn't keep it back.

It's hard to penetrate your minds when you 2 think in different languages.

And this Patzak always speaks languages he hardly even knows!

What are you staring at? "Maimuna verishvilla"!

- They speak Georgian, too! - What did he say?

- "Monkey, son of an ass." - That's it!

We are from the Soviet Union. We are here on a cultural exchange.

Our authorities know where we are. They are looking for us.

If you don't let us get in touch with our embassy,

you'll be in serious trouble. Capish?

We don't understand "embassy". Put the 'tzak' back! Quickly!

You understand "noodles", and you understand "maimuna",

yet you don't know "embassy"? You poor things.

Enough! Stop fooling us around! Got it?

About noodles... I simply said what you thought.

It's not Earth, my dear fellow, and it's not Africa.

It's planet Pluke, 215 in Tenture. Galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza in the Spiral. Got it?

Well, hello, here we are.

Put the bell on, my dear. Put it on.

Right... Attaboy!

- Excuse me, where have we landed? - Shh! He's got sharp hearing.

- Do you know the Tenture of your planet? - Tenture?

Well, tell us your galaxy number in the Spiral

- In the spiral? - Yes, yes, in the Spiral.

Well, Earth is there, you know... spinning next to such planets as...

Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter...

- What else, Vladimir Nikolaevich? - The Big Dipper.

Vladimir Nikolaevich, come over here.

- Do you have more matches on your planet? - Available.

How many will you give us if we put you there?

- How many do you need? - Two full boxes like this one.

- Seven! - Seven!

And give me all that you have here. I will trade them for a 'gravitzapa'.

Excuse me, what is "gravitzapa"?

Well, it's a thing without which 'Pepelatz' can only fly like this...

but with a gravitzapa... to any place in the Universe... in 5 seconds.

But how do you guys drive your Pepelatz out of the garage without a gravitzapa?

- That's not right. - We did have a gravitzapa!

But when we landed here, someone snatched it up.

By any chance, do you have a space-teleportation gadget?

No. No.

- Give me the matches. - Give us some water.

Like this! Do like this!

Do like this! Like this!

This is yours. This is what you use for smoking now.

Thank you.

He says they have a gravitzapa.

- Put your matches here. - Well, we'll do like this...

When you put us on Earth, you'll get this, and this.

Hey!

Fiddler, let's go into the 'open space'.

Stop!

Give it back!

- Give it back! - Only on Mother Earth.

Vladimir Nikolaevich!

You said, if we take you to the city, you will give us all of them.

And now you stole a match from us!