Loners

Hi, I'm Jeff Wilson, assistant undersecretary

of the Department of Homeland Security.

I'd like to extend a warm hello and welcome you

to your Loner program reprogramming program.

Throughout this video, I'll be your guide.

Just consider me your Loner program

reprogramming programmer.

By now, you have already received

your very own Loner's headband from your government,

and are enrolled in automatic billing for its rental.

Just like a friend, your headband will be gently

reminding you, whether through audible alarm

or small electric shock, to abide

by your new mandatory guidelines.

Failure to do so may result in immediate apprehension

by a highly trained War on Loneliness action team.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

That's why you'll be reporting to your

weekly Lone-Anon meetings.

In this cutting-edge group therapy, you and your

fellow loners will grow together,

while participating in fun, and sometimes

heart-wrenching growth exercises.

So keep up the good work, America.

Because, remember, you wouldn't want a buncha loners

out there wandering around by themselves.

Good morning from our studios

in Los Angeles, California.

The president is once again using the hashtag

Label the Loners as the nation's sixth mass shooting

of the month is being reported out of Cleveland, Ohio.

The president posted that all hashtag normals

should remain vigilant against hashtag headbanders.

The Cleveland shooter, who was not wearing a headband,

was described by this neighbors in this way.

Don't say it.

A quiet man who kept to himself.

Later in the hour, we will interview agent Richard Delgado,

head of the Los Angeles Lone-Anon fusion...

Hey, Mom, it's Lincoln, it's Lincoln.

Yeah, I am still at the shoe store,

and no, I have not been promoted, Mom.

I need you to be my mom right now,

I need you to be my friend.

I need 100 friends at all times,

and this morning I'm at 99.

Yeah, no, the government needs me at 100,

or I get in big trouble.

Can you be my friend, please?

All right, you got it, Mom, all right, bye.

Good afternoon, Miss.

You doing some shopping at Giganti-Mart today?

Unfortunately, yes.

Target sighted.

Pathetic headbander.

Hey, let's teach him it's wrong to dislike people

by beating his ass.

Hey there, friend.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Tanner, right? I'm Frank.

All right, that's okay, great energy by the way.

I'm gonna be working with you.

The hell you are, I work alone.

I own my own business.

Oh yeah, no, yeah, they prefer

that you don't do that anymore.

What? Why me?

Mm-hmm.

Eh, how many loners does it take

to screw in a light bulb?

How many?

One.

You know, because,

they got no choice.

That's why they have the two rectangles.

That's an I, man.

What have we got here?

Hmmm.

Oh, gonna have to confiscate this mace, naturally.

Guess I'll just have to make sure to not dress in a way

to tempt any rapists.

Well there you go.

Here you go, read it.

No, read the paper, don't look at me.

Take your time, now, it says you need a work buddy,

so let's get to work, buddy.

Right here.

Come on, there we go.

I don't really understand the point of you searching me

for weapons, considering I'm about to walk into

a store that sells guns.

Wouldn't I just buy one there

and shoot the place up anyway?

That's how they get you?

Let's get some fro yo, eh, guys?

Come on, I'll catch up with you guys in a sec.

Fine, but I'll be back for you.

Save money.

Live good.

You think I could get a few bucks?

Yeah.

Thanks, Dad.

Later.

Hey, I'll tell you what, call me a crazy kook,

but I think I'm gonna really enjoy whacking alongside you.

Whack off, dude.

Close your eyes.

Turn around, 180 degrees.

Good afternoon, sir, my name is Dabney.

I just moved into the building.

I just wanted to introduce myself to everyone,

make myself neighborly.

Also, uh,

I am required to inform everyone in a 100-yard radius

that I am a registered loner.

And that you are encouraged to knock on my door

at any time, at which point I will invite you in

for pleasant conversation of a mutually communal nature.

Just need you to sign right there.

What are you, some kinda person-hating freak?

Oh, I don't hate people.

I just prefer to spend my time alone, I suppose.

Oh, so you think you're too good for me?

Not at all.

I'm sure you're terrific.

You're what's wrong with this fuckin' world.

Hey, you got kids?

No.

Good, not allowed to live near children.

There you go, I worked out extra hard

for you this morning.

It's asparagus.

Had it for dinner and breakfast.

You done?

Agent Delgado, in the year and a half

since the inception of the War on Loneliness,

mass shootings have nearly quadrupled.

I've been closely collaborating,

not only with Senator Difford, but also General Earl Weller.

We are all selflessly working to protect

the American people and their personal freedoms.

Doesn't the War on Loneliness rob

so-called loners of their personal freedoms?

I wish you could see the joy I see

on loners' faces when their conversion

to being a society-loving American begins.

Truth is, they are relieved when they are invited

to explore their feelings with our compassionate therapists.

What are the minimum requirements

of a Lone-Anon group leader?

Well it certainly takes a big heart to care

for people who may wish to eliminate their fellow citizens.

Just yesterday, I hired one of the most

highly trained therapists I've encountered.

He is a true patriot, a man who is willing to put

every ounce of training he has into guiding loners

towards the day when they finally return their headbands

to the government and rejoin the rest of society.

Hello, my little grouplings.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Mike.

I will be leading your group today, and from now on.

Where's Pam? We liked Pam.

Pam never made us do things.

We're not down with doing things.

Tanner, I presume.

And Ed.

And Franny, the librarian.

You can stock my shelves any time.

No, Franny, inappropriate.

I can't wait to get to know everything about you all,

three times a week.

Three times a week?

We're only supposed to meet once a week, Mike.

Lincoln Chalk, you little rascal.

We're gonna have some fun - three times a week.

And I spy with my little eye,

Clara

and Dabney

and Jeremy. What up, J-Mizzle?

Okay, let's circle up.

Campfire-style, boys and girls, let's go.

Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle.

Now, before the fun can begin, a few ground rules.

First, this is a place of acceptance and love.

Second rule, all cellphones, tablets and similar devices

are not allowed at any time.

What the hell, man?

That was your face.

Third rule, there's no judgment here.

We are here to share.

To open up.

To commune with others.

Now, none of those things happen

when we put up walls

and force our own agenda on other people.

So if I choose to ignore all this

and walk on out the door?

You'll be violently apprehended, and imprisoned.

Okay, let's jump right in with some socializing exercises.