Canadian Bacon

* God bless America again

* You must know the trouble that she's in *

* Wash her pretty face

* Dry her eyes and then

* God bless America again

* You know

* I wish God would bless America again *

* Like he did way back there

* When it all began

* He blessed her then

* But we sort of took it for granted *

* And didn't ask again

* So let's just kinda hold her hand now *

* That's all

* In case she stumbles

* Let's don't let her fall *

Let's go live to TV 10's Kelly Breen.

It's a big day in Niagara Falls, New York,

where the presidential motorcade

will pass by in a few moments.

The turnout is pretty much nonexistent,

which is rather surprising.

This is the first time a president has been here since 1901,

when William McKinley stopped by and was shot.

* God bless America again

* You must know the trouble that she's in *

* Wash her pretty face

* Dry her eyes and then

* God bless America again

* I don't understand everything I read and hear *

* About what's wrong with America *

* When you don't have a lot of book learning *

* There's many things you don't understand *

* But I know this much

* She's like a mother to me

* I love her with all my heart *

* And let me tell you this, Mister *

* Everything I am or ever hope to be *

* I owe to her *

Topping the President's agenda today will be a speech

at the recently closed Hacker Defense Plant.

Hacker was closed, 10,000 employees laid off

due to the end of the Cold War,

which rendered useless

the military supplies they produced there.

The public is being encouraged

to not only and listen to the President's speech,

but also pick up on a bargain.

There are some good deals left on items

ranging from missiles to light armament.

One of those laid-off employees this morning had quite an altercation.

This ex-Hacker employee is trying to deface the image of R.J. Hacker,

the chairman of that company.

He got away before he could be apprehended.

* God bless America again

* You must know the trouble that she's in *

* Wash her pretty face

* Dry her eyes and then

* God bless America again

* Oh, please God bless America again **

Shit!

Meanwhile, in other news,

due to the record number of laid-off workers

jumping to their death in Niagara Falls,

the City Council has just approved an incentive program.

Sheriff's deputies who talk someone out of jumping will be getting $25.

If they go in to retrieve the body, they'll be getting $50.

Jump! Jump! Jump!

What'll this one make?

Uh...

The third one today.

Uh, ninth this week.

Man, are we racking up the grief bonus!

450 bucks, and the week's not over yet.

Stick with me, Honey.

Things keep going like this,

we'll make what we used to make at Hacker.

You know it.

What's this guy doing up there?

It's a free country.

He doesn't like it here, he can swim to Canada.

A lot of work there.

Shut up and look at this.

Hey, isn't that... It's our good friend, Roy Boy.

Jump!

No, no! He's wearing my good hat!

Let's help him out. Great.

Don't jump, Roy Boy, don't jump! Help is on the way!

Huh?

Nice shootin'!

All right!

Who did this?

Medic.

That was a beautiful thing you just did, Honey.

God, I love you.

Just kidding.

I was kidding.

Let me get this straight.

You shot me

because I didn't want to go on living?

Yeah. You want me to finish the job?

Relax, Honey. Roy Boy, would you please pipe down?

I was trying to make a statement about our plight.

At least the plight of those whose uncle ain't the mayor.

Don't you mention my Uncle Jack.

You're thinking nepotism.

I took that test and passed it fair and square.

What about handing her a job? I'm your buddy.

Don't you mention Honey like that.

Look, you guys,

my life has been complete hell since Hacker laid me off.

We know how you feel.

We all feel the same way.

We've all made big changes in our life

since the plant closed down.

That's right.

If life hands you a lemon, crush it into lemonade.

That's positive thinking.

Come on, smile.

* Just what makes that little ol' ant *

* Think he'd move that rubber tree plant *

* Everyone knows an ant

* Can't

* Move a rubber tree plant

* 'Cause he's got Roy Boy, sing!

* High hopes

* He's got

* High hopes

* He's got

* High-apple-pie- in-the-sky hopes *

* So any time you're feelin' low *

* Instead of lettin' go

* Just remember that ant

* Woops, there goes another rubber tree *

* Woops, there goes another rubber tree *

* Woops, there goes another rubber tree plant *

* Ker-plop! *

President here yet, Riley?

Officer Riley.

Oh, sure. Sorry.

You fellas need any backup here, Officer Riley?

I don't think so, Sheriff.

Okay.

You finding a lot of roadkill this year, Sheriff?

We get to keep what we find.

Forgive me. Where are my manners?

This is my woman deputy, Honey.

Honey's been a real asset since she got her parole.

Next, I have an unused,

air-delivered, chemical weapon.

Guaranteed death within three minutes.

What do I hear for this miracle of modern science?

Do I hear...

Spread 'em, or I'll blow your brains out.

Where the hell you guys been?

Pulling stiffs out of the Falls.

You promised I could pull the stiffs out this time.

I need the money.

We never got the $50. We stopped Roy Boy from jumping off.

What? You're jumping off the Falls now?

I was making a statement.

Stop with the statement thing.

Get us a beer.

I do love an auction.

What do I hear for this beautiful, wire-guided,

uranium-tipped fire-and-forget thing?

Who'll give me $1,000? 1,000, 1,000, 1,000?

$500, then.

Have $500 anyone?

$500, my ass.

Come on, ladies and gentlemen.

Built right here in Niagara Falls. You can own one.

You built it. You can own it now.

300, 300, 300, 4. 400, 400, 400, 400, 5.

Can we get out of here?

All these guns and white people are making me nervous.

Ease off with that "white people" stuff.

You got me looking at 'em funny.

I've got 25, 26, 25, 26.

Sold! $25.

All right. Here you go.

Next, we have...

Pardon me.

Out of the way. Let me by.

Anyone! Could I have $100, please?

Give me that microphone.

I reckon all of you know me.

I'm R.J. Hacker, and I own Hacker Dynamics

and Hacker Aerospace,

Time-Hacker,

Hacker-Upjohn,

and a bunch of others I don't even remember, and you don't care.

You're upset because I closed this plant

and put you out on the street.

Well, I want you to know I'm upset, too.

In fact, I get choked up thinking about it.

Boo! Boo!

Shit.

Pill-popping freaks. Look at this trash.

Just garbage. Human garbage.