Alone Together

Hello.

I saved you from a walk of shame.

I'll have you know that the walk of shame

is an anti‐feminist construct, okay?

Do I look like I'm in shame?

You're not a feminist, you're just too lazy to walk.

I wasn't too lazy to smash with a guy last night

who's basically Ryan Gosling.

Hey, Esther, you forgot your night guard.

Man, Ryan Gosling really let himself go.

Chubby hairy guys make me feel skinny and pretty

like Rachel McAdams.

Throw it to me! I don't want to touch it. It's moldy!

It's not mold, it's just pesto.

We had barbecue last night.

Just throw it down.

You really have to nudge him to touch stuff.

I didn't have an orgasm.

All right. Thank you.

Sorry.

Well, that was a short walk of shame.

Oh, my God, you're putting that back in your mouth?

That's where it goes.

Relax. The sprinklers were just on.

I thought you just wear that at night.

I've been day‐grinding.

I'm stressed about money and Boko Haram.

Boko Haram is not in East Hollywood. You're fine.

You don't know that. They could be anywhere.

Text me, Esther. See ya. Nice to meet you. I'm Benji.

Oh, I'm‐I'm sorry, dude.

Uh... this is awkward.

He's just my friend. Oh, all right.

Yeah, just platonic friends. I'm not a threat or anything.

All right, stop talking to my guy.

See ya.

Yeah, see ya, man.

Can we go to the juice place on Third?

I want to do a cleanse.

I'm feeling high off my one‐night stand.

You know baby voice doesn't work on me. I didn't just sleep with you.

You want to ask me like an adult?

Let's use adult voice with me, okay?

Can we please go to the juice place on Third?

You're doing baby voice. Try again.

Cleansing will make me feel skinny and pretty.

What are those?

I don't know. She's so hot.

It's hot girl food.

Thank you.

Hi.

I'll take a green herb detox

and... the spirulina crisps‐‐ what are those?

Um, is that what hot girls eat? Will they make me glow?

I don't know.

Right.

Hot girls have secrets, like magicians.

They don't let anyone know.

I'll take five. I love them.

Gee. What?

That's a lot of chips, man. Chill.

Can I borrow 20 bucks?

Are you serious? I'll pay you back.

How is your family so rich and you're so poor?

I'm not broke or anything.

I had my identity stolen,

so I need to just borrow some cash.

Can I get a vitality shot? Sure.

Thanks. One vitality shot.

I really like your nose ring. Thanks.

I've got a nose for noses

that can handle a nose ring.

Most people can't nail it,

but you're, like, nailing it.

Just in case this is leading up to asking me out,

I am a lesbian.

No problem. I went to a liberal arts college.

I've dated plenty of lesbians, and...

Wait, you're a lesbian?

I am to guys under five‐ten.

Oh, okay, we're being mean.

You know, shaming a guy 'cause he's short

is like shaming a girl for being overweight.

We do that here too.

Well, it's wrong.

Any chance you guys are hiring?

No. Got it.

Got it.

Everyone in that juice place was the worst.

I know. Ugh.

Is your brother home?

I don't think so.

I think he's in Texas buying foreclosed homes.

And he's a monster. I wish he wasn't so hot.

You have no chance with my brother.

You wear your dad's old boxers.

They're vintage.

You don't know anything about style.

That's really intimate.

I think it's pretty obvious that you have daddy issues.

All the greats have daddy issues.

Mine is just that, you know,

I'm a constant disappointment because I don't have

a real job or a steady income, and I'm a grown adult.

I DVR'd a Daria marathon. You want to watch?

Yeah, let's do it.

I think it's broken.

Hey, dude, I put on the parental lock

so my shows don't get deleted by your stupid cartoons.

Come on, man, I live here too.

Wait, this is your brother?

Yeah. And that's his squatter friend.

I just crash here sometimes. Are you homeless?

I actually just Airbnb my place for rent money.

There's an oxy addict living on her sofa.

You don't know that. He's really sleepy.

My God, you guys are so cute.

I like your accent.

Did you guys meet at a youth hostel?

We met on an app.

Oh, like a good‐looking person app?

I mean, I didn't say it.

Oh, God.

So, you guys are not dating?

Just 'cause we're both small and undesirable,

doesn't mean we should date.

People think we're dating 'cause we sit

on the same side of the booth at restaurants.

It's just easier to share food that way.

I'll give you guys $550 each if you guys

have sex with each other right now.

I'd rather let an entire Greyhound bus

spit in my mouth than have sex with Benji.

No offense.

Okay, well, then, you know what?

Maybe you need to get a real girlfriend,

instead of whatever Esther is, okay?

You guys have sad eyes.

Is that a good thing? No.

Sad eyes is a bad thing.

You said he wasn't here.

Look, I'm having a pool party later,

so, why don't you guys‐‐ you can come.

Uh, it might be fun, you know?

Alia's gonna be there.

Your sister's gonna be here?

We gotta go to the party.

You guys look like you could use some sun.

I mean, you look like a sick glow worm.

Your racing fuel is here!

Oh, yes! Yes!

I been rollin' around on 91 octane

like a frickin' normy!

Anyway.

Benji, Benji, Benji, Benji.

If I get a job working for your sister,

it will change my life, okay?

Her and all her employees,

they know all the hot girl secrets.

Esther, you eat bread bowls.

You're not gonna, like, blend in with them.

Dude, her fashion company is everything.

I heard about a girl uglier than me‐‐

What? Listen to me.

I heard about a girl uglier than me

who got a job working for her.

Now she's hot, with 300,000 Instagram followers.

Esther, they don't even have clothes that fit you.

How are you gonna work there?

I'm just gonna mention that I have a charged laptop,

and I'm gonna use my fake personality

I learned at improv class.

Do you know what I'm saying?

It's like, I love fashion,

and, like, I love clothes,

and, like, I love your top.

I'm screaming.

Terrifying.

Mm‐hmm.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

Esther, you can't wear that to a pool party.

This is the most stylish thing I own.

You look like a Syrian refugee.

I'm not taking fashion tips

from a guy in basketball shorts.

You don't know anything.

I get that I'm not a fashion person,

but I know my sister really well,

and she's gonna think you're trying too hard.

Is that better?

Do you have an actual bathing suit?

I do, but I got it at the Comedy Store lost and found,

so it doesn't fit right.

Oh.

Which pose? This‐‐?

We are the ugliest people here.

Yeah, that's true.

...which means it's not vintage.

Something smells like cheese and onions.

Baby bro.