Click & Collect

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Isn't it just?

I've come to collect this, my wife reserved it online,

Sparkle Hoof, the unicorn princess.

That's 64.99.

Pardon me?

No, I think it's supposed to be 40-something?

It was 44.99 when she reserved it,

but she didn't pay for it then so now it's 64.99.

64.99!

Sorry, is it an actual unicorn?

If you pat its head, it blinks.

If you touch its nose, it trots.

I don't care if you scratch its ass

and it unloads the dishwasher!

This is a shake down!

Now I'll pay you the original 40-odd quid,

which is outrageous!

But I'm not paying a penny more.

That's fair enough.

Sorry Sir, it's 64.99.

What kind of operation are you running here!

It's worse than the mob!

Is anyone hearing this?

They're hiking the prices up cus it's Christmas!

Jokers!

They are jokers!

Now you can't just put up a bit of tinsel

and play some Jona Lewie and expect us to just

hand over the squiller!

Yeah spread that!

-You tell em big man! -I am telling em!

I'm sorry Sir, it's 64.99,

it's the number one toy this year.

Do you not watch The One Show?

Not religiously, no!

That Baker, bad boy presenter.

I'm sure he is, but I'm not.

Did you want the Sparkle Hoof?

No!

No I don't!

No he don't!

Not at those prices, no!

I'm gonna take my custom elsewhere.

Alright you're not the only show in town.

I'll let the invisible hand of the market deal with ya.

I don't know what that means.

No, three words, Toys R Us.

Can I take that Sparkle Hoof?

Ho ho ho!

-Merry Christmas! -

Tada!

Dev, you've appeared to have put lights

all over my house, without asking.

You're welcome, Andy!

It's Andrew.

I know we've been talking about it all year,

since you moved in really, yeah.

Well you've been talking about it mainly.

I could see you weren't gonna get round to it yourself

and I thought at this rate, Christmas'll be over,

and you won't have em up!

Oh it so very nearly worked out that way, didn't it?

Yeah!

And I know you're a busy guy,

that's why we haven't gone for that drink yet but.

- -Hey!

I could get used to that!

That'll be happening all Christmas!

Ah that's good news.

-Well see ya later. -

Hey Andy look, Santa's doing a piddle!

I noticed, yeah.

-Ho ho ho! -

No Mum honestly the turkey's huge,

you do not need to bring a ham.

No, don't bring wafer thin ham either,

it's not the thickness of the ham that I'm objecting to.

Have you seen what him next door's been up to!

Daddy!

Emily!

Oh look at that my darling!

That's wonderful!

What else, Sweetheart?

Have you seen these lights?

Okay Mum, if it makes you feel better,

bring cocktail sausages, but one punit!

He said that you wanted them up.

Does that sound like something I'd ever say!

Oh hello mate, I know we've barely spoken,

but I don't suppose you've got a giant urinating Santa

you could hang above my front door have ya?

It's just not Christmas without one!

Sorry Mum, Andrew's going off on one.

Andrew I've got a million things to do.

It's not me you need to talk to about the lights, is it?

I'll tell ya what you can bring Mum,

a couple bottles of gin.

Dev?

What mate?

Quick word,

re: the lights.

You really shouldn't have put them up.

Don't mention it, alright?

For neighbors like you, people of your caliber?

You and Claire, it's an honor.

I should be thanking you if anything, come here.

Thank you.

Ah that's intimate.

But I'm telling you, you really shouldn't have.

And I'm telling you, it's no bother Andy!

-Andrew, still Andrew. -

Oh hey!

Another one!

Yeah!

That's the 12th in the last 10 minutes idn't it?

Yeah!

- -Ho ho ho!

What's up?

I can't sleep.

Why not?

Why not!

Cus it's two in the morning and the bloody lights are on!

It's like being in a Turkish brothel!

I imagine.

Andrew, what you doin'?

I have turned to my superpower, Claire.

The strongly worded letter.

Oh god.

You wanna hear it?

Dev, we are not friends.

You are just the bloke who lives next door,

and sir you're a Vulgarian.

I cannot stop you covering your own home

in garish lights and incontinent Santas,

but you ain't doin' it to mine!

Furthermore--

Yeah, I get the gist.

Reminds me of your infamous bin collections letter.

Hey, that one got the job done.

It made Councilor Hargraves cry.

He was already emotional cus his wife had just died!

You're not putting this through our neighbor's door.

At a civilized hour, go and talk to him like a mature adult.

Fine.

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas!

Are you pulling my chain!

What they just gotta go off, have they?

Well who complained!

Yeah, hiding behind anonymity.

Council.

Right, no well the word I'd use is magical.

What did they say?

Vomit inducing!

Pathetic little weasel!

And what if I say we're not gonna do it, eh?

What about that, what if I told you,

you can, you can stick it where the sun don't shine!

Custodial sentence?

Yeah, alright well have a good Christmas, Heir Hitler!

Lights have to go off mate.

What, someone complained?

Yeah, yeah.

What kind of soulless monster

would have a problem with these?

Oh don't get me started!

I'm sick to the stomach!

Well I tell you what mate, you gave em hell.

-Didn't I! Didn't I! -Yeah! Yeah!

You should've heard me in there,

I was tearin' em a new one!

Effing and jeffing like blinking Gordon Ramsey

if he's just had a particularly disappointing souffle!

But the lights do have to come off.

And permanently.

-Got it, mate. -

No I know, it's sickening' it's sickenin'.

I'm gutted, absolutely gutted.

But you know they can, they can deflate our Santas

but they can't deflate what's in there.

What?

Christmas.