Patrick

What happened to that lunatic

son of yours anyway?

Oh Patrick's somewhere.

And he's not a lunatic.

He's actually smart, almost.

Patrick?

Jesus Patrick!

Your mother!

Hello.

How'd you get my number?

Yes I was in bed.

It's none of your business.

I'm gonna hang up now Ed.

I'm gonna hang up right now.

Could you tell me what Matron Cassidy is please?

Yes?

I have the applicant with me doctor.

Be with you in a minute.

- Your last letter of recommendation is dated

three and a half years ago.

You haven't worked as a Nursing Sister since then?

No, I stopped when I got married.

- And you haven't worked as Nursing Sister in this country?

No.

- Could you handle some typing from time to time?

Yes.

Any children?

No.

And Mr. Jacquard approves of your

returning to shift work?

Um, we're separated.

I see.

Why?

Oh it is none of my business Mrs. Jacquard,

but let's be frank,

we are not interested in restless housewives

who resign at first threat of a soiled bedpan.

I--

Why did you choose the Roget Clinic

for your come back Mrs. Jacquard?

The agency suggested--

Because we are only a small clinic

some applicants presume that our standards are less rigid.

Oh I didn't think that.

- And because of this misconception we tend to attract

certain types.

Types?

Types Mrs. Jacquard.

I don't--

Lesbians, nymphomaniacs,

enema specialists.

Oh, am I offending you Mrs. Jacquard?

No.

Zoophiliacs, Anglophiliacs,

Necrophiliacs, pedophiliacs, scatophiliacs,

exhibitionists, voyeurs.

Now do you follow me Mrs. Jacquard?

Yes.

- Disease, like God, moves in mysterious ways Mrs. Jacquard.

It can don the mask of perversion and spread

like cancer through a hospital staff.

We had a classic in here last week

seated where you are now.

Applying for work as an orderly

and his little quirk as it turned out

was to sneak down to the laundry of the night

and paint himself with excreta.

Does that shock you Mrs. Jacquard?

No.

Well it should.

It shocks me.

I can assure you I--

Oh so did he Mrs. Jacquard.

Oh come in doctor.

Mrs. Jacquard, Dr. Roget.

- Matron have my frogs arrived yet?

No, not yet.

Could you chase it up?

Yes, I'll make a note of it.

Mrs. Jacquard's qualifications are adequate,

but she hasn't worked in this country before.

- You've worked with unconscious patients I assume?

Yes.

Any experience with cerebral monitoring,

EEG's, Fourier analysis?

A little.

- She comes to us in the wake of an unstable

domestic situation doctor.

Hire her.

Dr. Roget owns this hospital,

which gives him the privilege to have final say

in borderline cases.

But let me make it very clear to you Mrs. Jacquard,

I am boss cocky in this hospital.

The salary is minimum, the hours abominable.

And I should insist on the option to

terminate you without notice.

Yes that's fine.

When can you begin?

Well today if you'd like.

Yes Matron?

- Oh this is Sister Jacquard, Sister Williams.

Hello.

Hi.

I'd like you to find her uniform

and then have her relieve Nurse Panicale in room 15.

Room 15 Matron?

That's right.

You'll be specialing him.

Responsible for IV therapy, monitoring,

and general nursing care.

My god it's like a meat cooler in here,

you'll give him pneumonia.

Sister Jacquard, Nurse Panicale.

Sister Jacquard will be taking over

the noon til nine shift so you can resume your

regular duties on ward one.

Thank you sister.

And this is our friend Patrick.

He's what you call an acute.

Why haven't his eyes been sutured shut?

Roget's instructions.

You will be expected to keep the eyes

bathed and lubricated.

Hello Patrick.

He can't hear you, he's dead.

Oh technically he's alive in that he breathes

and pumps blood, but I don't think you're

gonna get much conversation out of him.

He's been unconscious for three years.

What a waste.

Oh it's a waste of space if you ask me.

Most of our new sisters called Patrick first up.

Matron says if he can survive three years in a coma,

he can live through anything.

Any way, such as he is he's all yours Sister.

I think you'll find him a handful.

- Well I think Patrick and I are gonna get along just--

Oh, that's another thing.

Dr. Roget calls it a motor nerve reflex,

but no one really knows why he does it.

He seemed to do it on purpose.

Well one thing's for certain,

Patrick never does anything on purpose.

Any chance of improvement?

Nope.

He's been unconscious too long.

Dr. Roget says that even if he regained consciousness

he would have the intelligence of a penicillin culture.

But he spits well.

Matron Cassidy's usually in her office till about eight,

and Dr. Roget often works later.

Otherwise the desk clerk will sign you off at nine.

Any questions?

No, I think I can manage.

Then I'll leave you to it.

- And how's our creature from the Id this afternoon?

No change doctor.

No change, that's good.

Has he moved his bowels yet?

Not yet.

You'll let me know when he does.

Jacquard isn't it?

Yes doctor.

He spits you know.

And what is your learned pronouncement Sister?

I like him.

Come in, come in.

Your frogs have arrived doctor.

Good, good.

Put them down.

See that?

Sir?

She doesn't like coming in here.

Why?

I don't know.

She says there's no air, flowers won't grow.

Notice anything?

No.

Neither does he.

Look at him.

Does he look as though he's been

unconscious for three years?

Actually, he's in better shape now

than when they brought him here.

No wasting.

What did you call him?