Real Husbands of Hollywood

I didn't choose Hollywood--

it chose me--and now that I'm

here, there's one important

lesson I've learned.

This is harder than

I thought...

especially for the husbands.

In this town, who you're married

to is more important than

talent.

Things aren't always sunny in

the pit of opportunity.

That's why I keep my boys close.

Friends on three!

One, two, three!

Break!

And my enemies

closer.

You didn't get your feel on

or your feel-lay-min-on.

This is a town of

dreams and nightmares.

See, show business can kick you

in the ass and treat you like

a used up mitch.

Ow! Little girl!

Hollywood is about livin'

the dream and makin'

the next big move--

no matter what it takes.

JB, will you stop

auditionin', man, and just eat

your damn food, please.

Zombies don't eat real

food, Kevin.

And kickin' it up

to the next level--

no matter who you gotta use.

I just came here to spin

in front of y'all.

Y'all, y'all, see?

This gotta stop.

Yeah, I know it does.

How the did I let you

talk me into this?

Didn't nobody make you take

the money.

Y'all know I can hear you,

right?

All while fighting our

inner demons of doubt, despair,

and jealousy.

I got it.

In our world, you

gotta watch who you on

because friends are fleeting,

enemies are forever.

Even when you're on top, you're

no more than a stumble away

from losin' it all.

Wings?!

Oh, this is vile.

Welcome to "The Real Husbands

of Hollywood."

Some people try to

trade in cars every year.

Me?

I trade in houses.

See, Kev, this is what you

gotta understand.

When you start to get into my...

my stratosphere--

Whoa, your stratosphere?

Yeah, my stratosphere.

My level of...of success,

I guess, you've gotta surround

yourself with other people who

understand and appreciate your

level and you've get things that

reflect that, as well.

For instance, Kev, take a look

at my house.

Wow.

How much did this cost?

Oh, man, it's not about

money--$10 million.

I wanna show you something else.

Come with me. Come on, let's go.

All right, yeah.

Uh, Kev, this here is

actually made out of elephant

ivory.

Kev, that's illegal.

Wait, wait, wait, or did

I buy it from Keenen Ivory?

It's one or the other.

I don't ...don't remember.

Uh, dude, you gotta stop

right here.

This is my custom-built penguin

cage right here.

Kev, where are the penguins?

They left. They've been gone.

Where--?

Hey, did you know that

penguins don't like warm

climates?

Valley gets hot.

That threw me off, too.

Oh, yeah, here we go.

Down to the nooks

and crannies, baby.

This is my custom-built

tiger cage.

My tiger's name is Woods.

Kevin, where's the tiger?

Let's just say he's

at large right now. Yeah.

I don't know where he's at.

That's why the penguins left.

I shouldn't have put the cages

that close together.

Nobody told me.

Come on.

Oh ! Woods!

Woods, you get back in that

cage right now!

That's your tiger?

Do what you want, then.

He's got an attitude.

He's crazy--

No, this is crazy.

Oh, no, man! Mr. Puffer!

Well, I guess it's safe to say

that he won't be flying south

for the winter.

Penguins don't fly, Kev.

Apparently they don't run,

either.

Oh, well, I'll have to buy

another one.

I see it!

Kev, do me a favor.

Go on that side and see

if he's there.

I'ma go on this side.

Unh-huh.

Fine. Fine. Come on.

I want you to get out here

and clean Mr. Puffer's arm up!

Man, the house is beautiful.

You gotta understand that all

of this stuff is hand planted.

That is amazing. I love it.

Kevin, another thing...

Oh, I can't ...can't do

this any more, Kev, like...

I'm calling you Kevin

and my name's Kevin and it's

getting to the point where

it's confusing.

I don't know who I'm talking to.

Like, okay, watch this.

What's your name?

Kevin.

Hi. You call me?

You see what I'm saying?

It's confusing. Just be "Dave."

That's ridic--

Come here, Dave, I got some

stuff to show you, dude.

I'ma show you something, Dave.

You're about to see some

that's gonna blow your mind,

okay?

What do you mean?

I'm talking some custom

that's so custom that

you're not gonna be accustomed

to it.

Like what?

Okay, they had to plant trees

in the Brazilian rain forest,

wait two years for those trees

to go, then go back, cut those

trees down, and then make

the custom furniture that

you're about to see.

Now, Kevin, you understand

that we're trying to protect

the rain forest.

You know that, right?

I did.

I put plastic over everything,

right?

Why you trippin', Dave?

Kevin.

Huh? What?

What is...what is this?

Where you going with that?