The Exes

Hello, all.

If I'm beaming, it's because something wonderful has happened.

I'm about to become a partner

in the most prestigious dental practice in New York City.

- Oh. - Wow, Stuart.

Sounds incredibly snooty and overpriced.

Ah...

Oh, it is.

I've met the partners. They love my work.

There's just one final hurdle.

The swimsuit competition?

The senior partner is hosting

a dinner party to make sure that we all mesh socially.

My companion for the evening

will be a woman of extraordinary beauty and sophistication.

Well, you've gotta spend money to make money.

Stuart, I'm really happy for you.

- Congratulations. - Yes, me too.

- Come on, I'll buy you a drink. - Oh, well, I...

I wouldn't say no to a celebratory libation.

How the hell did we pop out of the same womb?

What a day.

I just got a text from a young lady I used to date

that she might be pregnant.

- Oh. - My God, Phil.

I know.

I spent an hour sweating it out waiting for the results.

And?

And the pee stick came back negative.

Oh!

Yeah. She even sent me a picture.

Oh. What a cute little minus sign.

Phil, let me be the first to say

you're an idiot.

How the hell could you let this happen?

I use protection.

It's not my fault I have super sperm

that can bust through latex.

I hear you.

When you're out there as much as we are,

sooner or later, one of your boys is gonna pull a Houdini.

- Listen, Phil. - Hmm?

Eventually, your luck is gonna run out.

Now might be the right time

to start thinking about making some serious changes.

You're absolutely right.

I've been thinking about getting a vasectomy.

I read a study that said

that women are more likely to sleep with a man

who's had a vasectomy.

That could be just the little push I've been needing at closing time.

- Well, I'll do it if you do it. - And I'll do it if you do it.

We'll do it together. We'll be snip buddies.

I would be proud to get neutered with you.

- No, no, no, no, no! - Yeah!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You guys. This is a life-changing decision.

I mean, how do you know you won't wanna have kids someday?

She's right. You want kids?

- No, you? - No.

Thank you.

I'm still trying to decide what to wear to the party.

Should I go with my classic brioni or my more relaxed Armani?

Well, that depends. Are you wearing your hair up or down?

Mm.

You know...

Oh, it's my date for Saturday night.

Bonjour, ma cherie.

She's French. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Ca va bien. Et toi?

Oui, oui, oui, oui.

Well, that's a load of horse crap.

Uh, hello? Hello?

She just canceled on me,

some nonsense about having to fly to Paris for work.

Mm.

Sounds like you're le screwed.

What am I supposed to do? I don't have a date for the party.

- Oh, what's the big deal? Just go alone. - I can't. I already rsvped plus-one.

How's that gonna look?

Three partners, their wives, me, an empty chair.

No, no, no, I have to find someone to replace her.

Well, if it helps you out, I'll go with you.

Who could I possibly find at this late hour?

Yoo hoo? Hello? I am asking you out.

Thank you, but I don't think it would work out.

Why not?

Well, for one thing, you're my sister.

Uh, well, it wouldn't be the first time you took a relative to a party.

Nicki, no offense, but you're just not what I had in mind.

That's okay. No offense taken.

- Okay. - Yeah, come here.

You have something on your shirt.

- What? - Yeah, right here...

Ow, oh! Ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

The Exes - S03E19 My Fair Stuart

Yeah, come on in.

- Hey, Stuart, what's up? - I'm desperate.

My date for the partners' dinner bailed on me.

I've called every woman I know. At this point, I just need a warm body.

Will you go with me?

You know what's sad?

That's the exact same way I got asked to my prom.

Just l'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what? That came out wrong.

Look, you're charming. You're beautiful. You're sophisticated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put the shovel down. I'll go.

Oh.

Thank you. Thank you.

Aw, I can almost see my name on the door now.

Grayson, Davidson, Gardner, and Fischbach.

Dr. Larry Fischbach?

Yeah. Oh, my God. How perfect is this?

- You know him? - Oh, I know him.

I represented his ex-wife in their divorce.

I gutted him like a fish...

Bach.

Well, you're useless.

What am I supposed to do?

Hi, hi.

- What about Eden? - Eden?

You're right. She's smart.

She's funny. She's pretty.

- Eden, what the hell happened? - Do me a favor.

If you ever hear me say the words,

"I bet I can catch a champagne cork in my mouth,"

stop me.

Hey, Nicki.

What?

Well, I've been thinking about your generous offer

to accompany me to the dinner party Saturday night.

And, you know, upon reflection... Crapped out, huh?

- Big time. - Yeah.

Nicki, will you please go with me?

- Please. - One more please?

- Please. - Nah, I got plans.

Aw.

Come on, I'm yanking your chain. I'll go with you.

Aw. Thank you, Nicki.

Yes! Whoo, hoo!

Sorry. Just got excited.

My sister agreed to go out with me.

Finally.

Where the hell had you go for food, man?

Jersey? Actually, yes.

But for sonic, it's worth it.

It's made to order, and it's brought out

by a lovely young woman on roller skates.

Well, who needs her when I got you, big guy?

Well, I wasn't fishing for compliments,

but thanks.

Hey, guys.

Look who I found in the lobby.

You remember Cooper from upstairs?

- Yeah, hi, kid. - Hey, what's up, man?

Hey.

Hey, Phil.

Couldn't you see yourself tossing a ball around

with a kid like this on a Sunday afternoon?

Uhhuh.

And Haskell, wouldn't it be great

to have a kid like this to wake you up

in case there was a fire?

If I wanted to know if there was a fire,

I would've put a battery in that thing.

Anyway, I know what you're up to.

Yeah, you're not gonna change our minds

about having the procedure.

Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.

It's just that sometimes in our busy, single lives,

we lose sight of the joys of having children.

How come you don't have kids?

Well, little guy,

I just haven't met the right man yet.

What if you don't?

I will. He's out there somewhere.

But what if he isn't?

I said he is.

My mom said, "your boat has sailed."

My boat is fine.

It just hasn't left the dock in a while.

- Hey. - Hi, Nicki.

Whatcha doin' here?

Well, I come bearing gifts.

I bought you a little something to wear to the party.

Stuart, what do you think, I'm some rube that doesn't know how to dress?

I think I'll wear whatever I...

- Ooh, that is nice. - Mmhmm.

Thank you. It's Kate spade.

Oh. We have to date more often.

Okay, now, remember, no one at the party

can know that you're my sister.

Yes, I know. I know. I'm your date Nicki.

Actually, you're my date Nicole.

What? What's wrong with Nicki?

- It is my name. - I know.

But Nicole sounds elegant.

Nicki sounds like someone who would pay you a visit

if the jets don't cover the spread.

All right, all right, you sprung for the dress.

- I will give you Nicole. - Thank you.