The Witchfinder

My name is Gideon Bannister. The witchfinder!

I'm not a witch! Wi-i-i-i-i-tch!

That man was John Stearne. He's dead.

Someone's going to have to tell the Witchfinder General

he's going to need a new right-hand man.

Shame the trial's done.

I don't think they'd take too kindly to you whisking that witch away.

I've got a letter! What letter? This one!

It says I need to take the suspect, Thomasine... Gooch.

..Gooch to the Court of Assizes, where she will be tried.

What?! THEY CLAMOUR

Why would a court summon me to Chelmsford?

Why does the court do anything?

Why do they wear big white wigs? Why do they carry hammers?

You weren't reading that letter.

Well, I mean, I was reading that letter. You heard me read it.

Your eyes weren't scanning it.

They were just fixed in one spot,

a bit like when you draw a line in front of a chicken.

Well then, that must be how I read.

We don't all read by chasing the words around the page

like we're hosing bird dung off the footpath.

So you weren't helping me? You still want me convicted?

No, no. It's not about wanting you convicted.

No-one wants you convicted. They want me convicted.

They want you convicted, sure, cos they're the baying mob.

But I'm taking you to Chelmsford, where a proper court

has summonsed you for a proper trial.

This actually benefits you. Come on.

Master Gideon. I've got you something. What?

SHE MUTTERS

See, I was thinking that Mr Hopkins, you know, witchfinder general.

He doesn't know who you are.

So how does he know that you actually met Mr Stearne?

Well, I've got his little red pouch.

Why? What have you got? Nothing. No?

No, I didn't get anything. You said you had something.

No, I didn't get anything, Gideon.

Myers, you're covered in blood. What have you got?

That's his finger! You cut off a dead man's finger!

Why have you done that? To identify him!

Could be anyone's bloody finger! His ring is on it.

It isn't. Oh, God.

Myers! Oh, it must have slipped off the back end.

You forget it can do that because normally the hand's in the way.

Myers, back here. Calm yourself down.

Pull yourself together, Myers. We're doing the right thing.

You're panicking because there's a body.

By the time anybody finds him,

I'll be working for the witchfinder general.

I just wish he would give me a sign.

When Edith prayed for a sign, a choir of angels came unto her.

Yeah, and doesn't she go on about it?

Well, you would. Well, she does.

Buddy!

Don't let him see that. Leaving so soon?

Just riding to Snetterton to get some work.

What about the work you had? Let me guess - you ballsed it up again.

Yeah, you know me.

Oh, witchfinding - such a cruel mistress.

Well, quite.

Look, I happen to believe there's a bloody good witchfinder in there.

That's kind. You hide him well.

He just needs coaxing out like you would a tapeworm.

I don't know. Come on, buddy, the witchfinding tapeworm,

out you come.

Oh, I suppose it's like you always say -

our careers are on vastly different trajectories.

Oof. Yeah, vastly different.

You mustn't think like that.

Especially if you're getting your nose bleeds again.

HE CHUCKLES

Wanker.

One of these days, I'm going to own a garden this size.

Just me, nature

and a big fence around the outside.

So do you enjoy the witchfinding?

A witchfinder is a man of reason.

Identifying witchery on the basis of evidence,

unswayed by interest or sentiment.

Do you get paid the same whatever?

Ha-ha-ha! What?

Do you get paid the same, whether a woman's a witch or not?

Well, they're hardly going to pay me to find women

who aren't witches, are they?

So if you got a woman and you reckon she isn't a witch, you get no money,

but if you reckon she is a witch, you do get money? Yeah, in essence.

Wonder if that's the best way of doing it?

No, you don't. You don't wonder.

That is the system.

It is in place because the witchfinder general himself

has done the wondering for us.

If you go around questioning everything the whole time,

then nothing ever gets done and life becomes backwards.

Now, is that what you want, Gooch? Do you want to live in Wales?

Cos us lot would be rinsing that.

You know, when I was working for my dad's mates, smelling eggs in...

Smelling eggs? ..in Setford, smelling eggs, yeah,

we'd only just get paid for the day. Hang on, smelling eggs?

Yeah, to see if they were bad.

But if we got paid for every bad one we smelt,

we'd be going, "Oh, this one smells bad,"

and, "Oh, this one's bad,"

and, "Oh, that's bad,"

rather than just genuinely smelling eggs.

Can you stop saying "smelling eggs"? It's horrible.

SHE SNEEZES Please stop doing that.

I think it's the horse hairs, they catch in my throat.

Absolute balls. Horses don't even have hairs.

If anything, they have a kind of a...downy bristle.

The only noise I want to hear between here and Chelmsford

is that of hooves and birdsong...

TINKLE AND SPLAT ..and inevitably a bit of that.

He's had a big meal - haven't you, lad?

HORSE SNORTS

Thank you so much for pointing us in the right direction.

No, always happy to help a Puritan,

what I call a humble worshipper.

No, give me a simple cross over a showy crucifix any day.

Oh, absolutely. THOMASINA SNEEZES

Do you know what I do when I see a crucifix? I yank off the Christ.

I've got a bag of Christs at home somewhere.

Yes. Well, just keep an eye out for the Cavaliers.

The King's men don't take kindly to Puritans.

I think if God is carving a passage through the Red Sea for Moses,

I dare say he'd do a little one for me amongst the Cavaliers.

THOMASINA SNEEZES Oh, that's a big 'un.

Now, Chelmsford. Chelmsford.

You go through the village... Yes, indeed. ..and cross the river.

It's just a straight line, then, through to Essex. Simple as that.

Couldn't be easier. Music to my ears.

But she can't come through, I'm sorry about that.

Pardon me? She can't... Come through. Sorry about that.

Yeah, I didn't want to make a scene in front of her.

Atchoo! All that sneezing.

We lost two dozen souls to the plague last March.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. She does not have the plague.

Well, they said that in March.

I mean, I was at my sister's, but let's just say

that a certain someone was a little less discerning

about who we let in than perhaps I would have been.

I just didn't think that...

Not your fault. It was mine for trusting you.

I mean, we can go around, I suppose.

We can go via Rickinghall, Burgate maybe.

No, but it's the whole area. They won't let you ride through.

Not with her sneezing like that.

You'll have all the farm lads in East Anglia turning you back.

This doesn't really work for me. I need to be in Chelmsford tonight.

I know, I know. You must think I'm such a meanie.

No-one thinks you're a meanie... Shush it, please.

Atchoo! I'll go and talk to her.

Listen, I'm going to need you to knock the old sneezing

on the head for a bit, they're a bit worried.

I told you, it's the horse fur. doesn't agree with me.

I don't know if that has a name.

No, it doesn't, because that's not an ailment.

I mean, it is what it is. What can you do?

What you can do is stop sneezing.

If this is some attempt to... Atchoo! Jesus Christ, woman!

I mean, maybe if I wasn't on the horse?

You have to be on the...!

You have to be on the horse. We've got another 40 miles to cover.

You have to be on the horse.

You didn't think to mention this before we set off?

I could have hired a cart. Why would you want a cart to be higher?

Atchoo! SHUT UP! Now then, may we take a cart?

Oh, sorry. We used all ours to ferry the dead.

Is there somewhere else you can get one?

Yes, my parents do have a cart.

But of course we are heading south, here,

and they live three hours over here.

And that will slow you down, won't it?

Yes, it's a bit of a dog leg. It's a right angle!

That's a right angle.

If your dog had legs like that, you'd put it down!

Right, you, off the horse.

I am sorry about your mother. It's fine.

Is it much further? To my parents' house?

Yes, it is much further. MUCH further.

You're still annoyed about the horse hairs.

I think we both know what happened, don't you?

You tried to impede our journey in order to avoid justice.

What next? Bribery?

Got nothing to bribe you with. Quite! Unless you like turkeys?

My cousin's got a load of them.

His coop burned down and they're all living in his house now.

Turkeys? How many turkeys?

Oh, 60 last count.

Can he get them to Framling? Well, I could ask.

He could definitely get them to Stowmarket.

So I can meet him halfway, grab them off him there.

Yeah, if you've got transport for them. Let me get this straight.

I could get my hands on 60 unwanted turkeys, no questions asked,

and all I'd have to do is drive a cage on a cart to Stowmarket,

let go of you - thus ending my career as a witchfinder.

Mm. I mean, can we get hold of your cousin now?

You're mocking me? Well, honestly, woman!

Why on earth would I agree to that?

Well, because you can't get to Chelmsford in time.