Glee

Look at her.

This class is supposed to be Free Sing... for everyone...

but Rachel hasn't stopped screeching

like a third-rate Maria Callas since the bell rang.

Because I'm her best friend, I can say this...

Rachel's always been a little insufferable,

but ever since she won Winter Showcase,

her ego and behavior are out of control.

At home she uses up all the hot water,

leaves rings in the tub,

and don't get me started

on the hair extensions clogging the sink.

At school she eschews my company

and instead surrounds herself with easily awed sycophants.

Oh, my God, Rachel.

of Funny Girl is finally happening this season.

You have to audition.

I couldn't.

Okay, there is only one Fanny Brice,

and that is the Ms. Barbra Streisand.

But you're Barbra's heir apparent.

You gonna get that? On some level.

I always knew this would happen...

that, as Rachel's star rose,

so, too, would her prima donna- like tendencies.

Yes, it's become clear to me:

This Sarah Brightman in training

needs to be knocked down a few pegs,

and I'm the only one who can do it.

I can't do this, I can't do this.

There's ten days to the wedding, and I have

all these choices to make by myself.

I mean, I know Will trusts me,

but I'm a Libra... I can't do this.

Well, when does he get back?

End of the week,

but it was a big success.

Will said that they got

Congress to agree to cut federal arts funding

in schools by 35% instead of 50.

Pretty amazing. Yeah.

So, are you guys going on a honeymoon

or something?

Um, I'm sure we will.

Will keeps suggesting Costa Rica, but,

I mean, us gingers can't be that close to the equator.

Why are you asking?

I just assumed that Mr. Shue is going

to want his glee club back.

Well, look, I-I don't think you need to worry

about Will kicking you out on the street,

especially not after you did

such an extraordinary job while he was gone.

I mean, you coached a really inexperienced team

all the way to regionals.

I think that's pretty impressive.

Regionals is a different ball game.

You need these big, brassy voices

to bully the competition... Rachel, Santana, Mercedes,

even Kurt. Blaine can do that.

Yeah, but it's, it's about more than just being able to sing.

It's about the attitude, you know?

Yeah. Those kids didn't just want to win,

they wanted to crush the competition.

Well, maybe you should have a lesson that toughens 'em up.

You know, I mean, weren't there weeks

where Will had you guys competing against each other?

That's the perfect idea, Miss Pillsbury, thank you.

Very welcome. And you can be

our special celebrity guest judge to help decide

who wins.

Diva.

So, now that we're back in the game,

we've got to come strong.

Diva Week is all about finding your inner powerhouse.

Miss Pillsbury. That's right.

The Online Urban Dictionary defines a diva as

"a fierce, often temperamental singer who comes correct.

"She is not a trick-ass ho

and she does not sweat da haterz."

Great, so I guess the guys

are screwed this week. Um...

Guys can be divas.

That's right, we all have inner divas.

I myself have been considered quite a diva

at many a local restaurant

because I know what I want and I will send a dish back.

You all might as well just quit while you're ahead because there are only

two ways to spell Unique, and one of them is.

D-I-V-A... Diva. M'kay? Shanté, I stay,

and it will be brought, dished out, and served and mopped up

by the time you even pick out a wig.

Looking at you, clocking that sadness.

I have more diva in my little finger than you have

in your whole angry inch, Wade-Unique.

Tina, you've kind of been talking some ridiculous trash

for months, unchallenged, and that stops now.

Use that finger, use that snap.

Listen, guys can be divas.

You guys, I'm going to win Diva Week.

And do you know how I know that? It's because...

And that

is how I made the manager cry at the Cheesecake Factory...

by being a diva.

Yay, divas.

Oh, hey, you're awake.

An hour before my alarm clock. Oh, when you're in there,

can you make me a little tea, please, with some honey

and lemon? You know, it's really good for my throat.

Sure, I'll just run down to the store and get you some.

I'll take that as a no.

An incredibly rude no that deserves an explanation.

Okay, Rachel, truth time.

You have been a nightmare ever since the Winter Showcase.

I knew it... it was only a matter of time

before you became jealous of all of my success.

And just when we were getting inseparable.

Oh... we became close

because you became tolerable,

but now you've got that weird

naked boyfriend and that weird Legion of Sycophants.

Now you are like, you're like an annoying,

self-righteous Lima Rachel on steroids.

You know what? Let me give you a little bit of truth, Kurt.

Okay, the only reason why Carmen Tibideaux

even let you sing at the Winter Showcase

was because she knew that you and I were friends.

You might have won the showcase, but my performance

was the one that everyone was talking about

because I blew you away

and I can do it again.

Midnight Madness...

you and me, head-to-head.

I wouldn't do that if I were you, babe.

Oh, why not?

'Cause I already beat you once.

Diva-Off sophomore year.

Remember?

Only because I threw it.

That high "F" in "Defying Gravity"?

I can hit that baby in my sleep.

I tanked the note on purpose.

Okay, why would you do that?

'Cause I didn't want to win.

I wanted to save my dad the embarrassment

of having his son sing a song written for a woman.

I don't believe you.

Take that back.

I can't... it's truth time.

That was my first big win.

That was the foundation that I built

all of my confidence on for the past two years.

Aw, consider it cracked.

Get ready for Diva-Off Part Two,

and this time I'm not throwing anything.

Enjoy your tea.

Here, I put together a little cold buster kit

for you.

Cool, uh, how did you know?

Your nose was red yesterday.

Start off with cough drops, then two packs of vitamin C,

a cup of my homemade Chinese chicken soup,

and finish with my secret weapon...