Cougar Town

Okay, Big Lou has called the meeting to order.

Thank you, my friend.

Mmm.

Okay, we need to talk about our vacation to the Bahamas.

Can we talk about how we all spend every second together,

so it's insane for us to also travel together?

All in favor of Grayson not being able to speak anymore?

- It passes. - Yeah, but--

Zip it. Okay, we're leaving in three days.

We need to decide whether we're gonna invite Tom.

He is part of the gang now.

On the other hand, he's Tom.

With the combo of our booze intake

and our general poor judgment,

I think having a doctor around is a pro.

True. But warning-- I am horrible at small talk.

You do not want to sit next to me on the beach.

- Sweetie, I'd let other people do the cons. - Pro-- he's eager to please,

so you know he'll wake up early and get pool chairs.

Con-- he's Tom. I know I already said this.

But I think it's worth mentioning twice.

I've always wanted to go to the Bahamas.

Interestingly, for years, the country's principal industry

was ship salvaging.

That is some God-awful small talk.

See, there I go. I got to say, it's a toss-up.

- Yeah, 50/50. - Not to me.

- Welcome aboard, buddy. - Yeah, man!

- Huzzah! - Cheers.

_

Nice shoes. Did you make them?

Sit down, have some coffee, then be horrible.

All right.

Dad, we don't need you to stay over.

We just need you to water the plants while we're gone.

Yeah, but I want to stay.

This weekend, Gulfhaven is hosting

a Clint Eastwood movie marathon and a soup festival.

There's gonna be old people everywhere.

Aww, so you're gonna be trolling for some old ladies,

aren't you, daddy?

I hope I get some rest on this vacation.

Lately, I've been sleeping like a baby.

Oh, you poor thing.

Sleeping like a baby is a good thing.

Babies wake up every 10 minutes, hungry and screaming.

That is not restful.

No, no, no, no, don't do that thing where

you take a well-established saying and then change it to...

Where's Ellie?

Change approved!

What are we looking at?

I wish you had a TV in here.

This is awkward.

Yeah, yeah. This is what awkward... is.

What's the big deal?

We've hung out on my bed a million times.

Well, now that we've both said that we liked each other,

I mean, it's out there.

This is practically our first date.

God, why am I so nervous?

You know, maybe we should just watch a movie

and hang out like we normally do.

- Good call. - Thank God.

Hey, and for the record,

I wore underwear tonight so you'd think I was classy.

No, you didn't.

I didn't.

Turns out, I don't actually own any.

It's hard to walk around holding a bunch of cakes,

so we decided that a "cakewalk" is something that's hard to do.

Someone in a funk, they need to be "slapped out of it."

And since "slim chance" means that it probably won't happen,

"fat chance" means that it definitely will.

Oh, and also you know how getting your ass kicked

always sucks?

Well, anything that's really terrible "kicks ass."

- That makes sense. - It doesn't.

Dad, this is our new neighbor, Anne.

- Oh, hello. - Hello, back.

Aren't you lovely.

I'm actually staying here all week.

- Dad, she's married. - I'm having a nap.

Oh, I need to go, too.

I have to pick up a case of whiskey.

Oh, yeah, my girl can party!

No, it's for a funeral.

- I feel terrible. - It was my good friend.

Colon cancer got him.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- That kicks ass. - Stop.

Thank you.

The sad part is,

had he gone to his doctor for regular checkups,

they could have caught it.

Bye.

Bye.

What, are you sad because of Anne's friend?

No, dummy, she's sad because in the last two seconds,

she's decided her dad's gonna die of some terrible disease.

- Right, sweetie? - There's just so much I should have told him.

I know. I'd be so much of a better husband than you.

You're lucky you have a penis.

Yeah, they're pretty cool.

What are you doing?

You know, they got a lot of great deals on new cars.

Do you have any money?

I do not.

You know, I got a slightly-used BLT,

and I'd love to get into a Monte Cristo.

Why do you want a car? What's wrong with your golf cart?

Oh, you know, it's a little too small for certain things.

I can't feel my legs. How much further to the ken--

No, no, no, no! Whoa!

Dog Travis will bolt

if he hears that we're heading to the K-E-N-E-L.

Think you're giving him too much credit.

This dog is a genius, bud.

They spelled "kennel" wrong.

Aw! My fault for saying it.

Hey. Got you a Bahama hat.

Cool. Am I joining a boy band?

Whoo!

Am I too pretty to be the tough one?

I never know what the hell anyone's talking about around here.

Why are y'all going to the Bahamas anyway?

Nothing to do there but sit around and drink.

Yeah, we'll try to make the best of it.

I always dreamed about going to see Hollywood.

Hollywood-- bunch of loser wannabe actors,

sending out their lame homemade video reels

to casting agents

who never even call them back.

Dad, someone really close to Anne just recently passed away.

- Her husb-- - Not her husband.

- Thank God. - I mean, how hard is it to make one phone call?

"Look, your video reel was fine-- okay?--

but maybe concentrate on modeling for now."

I will take that hat back so fast.

Anyway, when is the last time

that you went to the doctor and got checked out?

Had to be about five years ago.

Good night, June-bug.

Are you already in your crazy place?

Yeah.

Is it something that wine could solve?

Maybe if it's Big Lou. But hurry.

Look, just think happy thoughts, okay?

Like me in my hat or my boy band, yeah.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Ooh, that could be our first single.

You were taken too soon, Big Lou.

I'll miss you.

Should we pour some out for our homey?

Mm.

What the hell are they doing?

- Wineglass funeral. - Hmm.

It's only weird the first time you see it.

This is like my fourth one.

Yeah, first time as a murderer.

- Ohh! - For Lou.

For Lou.

- Ohh! - For Lou!

You all had rings on!

Promise me you'll all sock him like that when I die.

Yeah, about that, you need to get a checkup, dad.

Why? All my parts are still working.

I'm able to pee once every six or seven weeks.

That's a joke.

Honey, look, I'm an old man.

If I go to the doctor, they're gonna find something wrong.

I'd just rather skip all that,

keep on whistling past the graveyard.

That sound good, June-bug?

No.

You tried. That's all you can do, right?

We're gonna get him to the doctor before we leave,

or we're not going on a vacation.

Fantastic.

Hey, last night was your first date, wasn't it?

How was your first time as lovers?

Please don't say it like that.

Well, now I'm only gonna say it like that.

Come on, talk. Did you guys...

Slappidy, slappidy, slappidy, slappidy.

Honk-honk. Bl-bl-bl!

You two are having fun, aren't you?

- Yes! - Uh-huh, yeah.

Lovers.

Look, I know we all tend to talk about everything,

but, uh, we're not gonna discuss our relationship with you.

It was supes awkward, you guys.

Or we are. I changed my mind.

It's just really hard to go from being regular friends

to being "eee-eee, slappidy, slappidy, honk, honk" friends.

Jules and I were friends first.

Of course, my flawless body

helped us get over any awkward parts.

- Oh. - You guys will make it. I promise.

Or you won't, and you'll be doomed.