Big Boys

This programme contains strong language and adult content

Statistics show that one in every one people will eventually die.

But...it's shit when they're 56, and your dad,

and the only one who knew the Sky Movies PIN.

Now, this isn't me. I looked nothing like this at 17,

but if you can't cast yourself as better looking

in your own life-story, then what's the point?

So for all intents and purposes, we are both me.

Hi. I'm Jack.

And this is my mum, Peggy.

She's like a cross between Gwen from Gavin And Stacey

and Pam from...Gavin and Stacey,

which means she's the sort of woman who jumps when the doorbell rings.

DOORBELL RINGS What the fuck is that?!

And that first year without Dad was...weird.

Our neighbours showed that they cared

by discreetly dumping lasagnes on the doorstep,

like unwanted babies. Tracy Brooks from number 18 was my favourite,

but Mum reckoned she bought it from Costco.

Oh, keep the dish. I've plenty more.

HE SIGHS We took in 26 in total.

Then it took me 57 days to even have a wank,

mainly cos everyone kept saying things like...

He'll always be watching over you. Keeping an eye out. Looking down on you.

Poor bloke didn't even know I was a gay,

and now he could see me bash 'em out over lookalikes like Cantona.

Mum soon worried we'd comfort-eat too much,

sat on our arses watching telly, so...

..we went a bit mad in the January sales.

You all right? Ever since we'd found out Dad was ill,

me and Peggy had stuck together like Phillip Schofield

and Holly Willoughby. But...deep down, we were sad,

like Eamonn and Ruth, so we'd take it in turns

to look after each other. I'd read feminist literature

on what it's like to become an early widow,

and she'd read me the TV guide any time I had a panic attack.

"8:30 PM. Nicole Kidman has no memory of the last decade,

leaving husband Colin Firth to explain daily who he is, till a...

surretitus...

surra-..." Surreptitious!

.."surreptitious gift of a video camera

helps piece together her past."

Ahhh. That's nice.

My cousin Shannon and Nanny Bingo would often drop by

to play the ITV classic, Golden Balls, the official board game.

Deliberation...over. 20 grand's at stake.

You've each selected split or steal. On the count of three,

reveal your balls. Uno, dos, a-trefe.

SHE CACKLES That's well harsh.

It's Jack's 18th. Shannon, my son's just dropped dead with cancer.

If I wanna steal 20K, I'll steal 20K.

OK?

No-one in our family even had GCSEs,

let alone A levels. So when I got three As

and into the local uni on a journalism scholarship,

it was a big win for the team.

THEY LAUGH I knew you'd do it.

And then...

this day came...

DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE

..and I just couldn't get out of bed...

..for ages.

To cheer us up, Mum got me a fish named after my favourite journalist,

but even that wasn't enough.

Mum rang uni, who let me defer a year,

and so...I just had to wait.

FUNKY, FAST-PACED INCIDENTAL MUSIC

Careful!

ALL CHEER AND SHOUT

My dad's cab was the only thing big enough for all my stuff.

Mum had started driving it, which was very sweet,

but almost certainly illegal.

Hiya! I'm Jules!

Jules loved uni so much she got a job in the student union,

forgot she was ever studying Mandarin, and has never left.

Welcome to the best three years of your life,

and that's just for your mum. JULES LAUGHS

Can I have your name? Jack Rooke.

Jack Rooke. OK. OK, OK, OK, OK.

Erm, right. OK. Now, we do have a little bit of a situation, right.

Um, you won't be in halls straight away,

but we do have some alternative accommodation on site. OK?

Why ain't he movin' in here? No, we just need to renovate

some of the rooms because of the leaks. Leaks?!

Yeah, but don't worry. It's not water damage. Just a bit of gas.

OK, guys, do you wanna follow me? JULES LAUGHS

This way.

LIVELY, SURREAL INCIDENTAL MUSIC

All right? Right, gang.

Er, right. Have I lost you? Are you there?

There you are. SINGING: It's your first day, it's your first day!

SHE PANTS Right. Sorry.

It's actually a lot... lot further than I thought.

SHE LAUGHS Well, welcome. Bienvenue.

Han yang. SHE LAUGHS

OK? Tell me this is a fucking joke. It's a joke.

No, I'm j-... I'm joking. No, it's your accommodation.

Fuck sake!

All right. Let's get you settled in, shall we?

Oh, sorry. Um, Jack, meet, um, Danny.

Danny, meet Jack. Hello. We just thought

we'd put you two mature students together. Yeah, lovely!

I... I only deferred one year. I'm... I'm 19.

Yeah, I'm... I'm a bit older than that, but...

You're 25!Yeah! SHE LAUGHS

I know that. Have you been to Center Parcs?

It's quite Center Parcs-esque, isn't it? It's lovely. Yeah. Great. OK.

All right. Better go. No rest, work and all that.

See you later, Mum! JULES LAUGHS

PEGGY, UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Bye. Bye!

Bloody 'ell. Here, "Jack and Danny".

Cockney rhyming slang for fanny, innit? Oh!

PEGGY AND DANNY LAUGH

ELECTRICITY BUZZES

Ah, shit!

On the scale of injustice,

this felt like when Gamu didn't get through to the live shows

on X Factor.

We decided to decorate this ex-classroom

exactly like my room at home. Mum had got the idea

off Paul O'Grady's Love Of Dogs, cos Battersea recommend it

for any newly-housed pet going through trauma.

And I just put a little bowl of Bombay mix here

in case you get any guests. Mum! No-one is gonna wanna eat Bombay mix.

Well, it's just a nice touch, innit?

LOUD, FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND

Before I go, I've got to give you this, from your old man, for you

on your first day at uni.

But he didn't even know if I'd get in.

Oh, come off it. We all knew you'd get in, you fucking geek.

THEY LAUGH

But, no, you're right. He did write two versions just in case.

HE SIGHS

I really do miss him, Mum.

Two years tomorrow.

SHE CHUCKLES UNSTEADILY

Mad!

I'd often try not to cry aloud. Not cos I wanted to be macho,

just cos my cry sounds like Jimmy Carr's laugh.

HE WAILS / SOBS WITH "AH, HA-HA-HA-HA" SOUND

JACK CONTINUES TO CRY WITH LAUGHING, WAILING SOUND

HE CONTINUES TO SOB

Oh, come on. This is a happy moment.

Get to know that Danny lad. Seems nice.

He looks like a Take Me Out contestant.

Well, I'd keep MY light on for him.

Ahhh, hope you meet a lovely girl here.

Be nice for you to be the one with a girlfriend for once, wouldn't it?

When I was nine, Mum winced watching Todd Grimshaw kiss Nick Tilsley

in Corrie, so I daredn't say.

Mum, will people think I fancy if I hang her above my bed instead?

Nah. Poor girl's got enough on her plate

without YOU fancying her. SHE LAUGHS

SHE GASPS / SHE AND JACK EXCLAIM Oh, my...!

Oh, shit! That's a window! Sorry about that, Danny!

Mum! Sorry, Jack's mum! Don't worry!

We've all got to de-stress somehow!

Oh, well, look, we'll have you round ours for dinner sometime!

Do you like lasagne? Yeah, I love lasagne!

DOOR CLICKS Oh, God!

Make sure you check for skid marks before you do your laundry. Yes!

And don't forget to change the fish-bowl water. Yes.

I'd hate for Alison Hammond to die in a pool of her own shit. Yes.

HE SIGHS

I love you.

You sure you're gonna be OK?

I love you too, my babe.

SHE STARTS ENGINE

And that was it.

After a year of watching Jeremy Kyle, This Morning

and Loose Women religiously together,

I'd finally left my mum.

And even though she was ten minutes up the road,

I suddenly felt a million miles from home.

If I Leave Here Tomorrow by Lynyrd Skynyrd

# If I leave here tomorrow SHE SINGS ALONG

SHE SOBS

# Would you still remember me?

HORN BEEPS Oh, mate!

You are right up my fucking arse!

# For I must be travellin'... #

JAUNTY, FUNKY INCIDENTAL MUSIC

DANNY LAUGHS

Yes, lad. You got the beers in. Like it.

Oh, no. I've got some ravioli. Oh, is it? Nice!

"It's Dolmio day!"

I love those guys.

Oh, mate!

I'm so sorry, what you and your mum saw.

It's fine. We weren't watching. DANNY LAUGHS

Your mum was havin' a little peek.

This is decent! Heads up. Oh, jeez. Don't really drink beer.

Ooh! Cantona, Man U. Nice!

Er, yeah. I only really know of him as an actor.

He gets his willy out in the film You And The Night.

It's very artistic.

Oh, little bit of Bombay mix! HE BEATBOXES

Don't mind if I do. Mm. Ugh!

That's rough. So, what's the POA for tonight, fresher?