Mom

Man, just looking at this thing makes me miss cocaine.

Sadly, I can remember you wearing one of those

to my second grade spelling bee.

Excuse me, but you were the only eight-year-old

who could spell "inappropriate"

Guys, look at these cute bras Emily picked out.

Can you please stop saying "bra"?

Would you rather I say "brassiere"?

Brassiere. B-R-A-S-S-I-E-R-E. Brassiere.

Yeah. I think there's a "Z" in there, but nice try.

Here, let's go try 'em on.

You're coming in the dressing room with me?

Oh, honey, God gave us boobies. It's nothing to be shy about.

Tell her the truth. Dr. Feingold gave you those boobies, and that nose.

Go ahead, Emily.

Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh.

I bet Adam would love to see me in this.

That's not your size.

Excuse me. I'm 52 years old. I think I know my bra size.

Neither of those things are true.

Try this one.

Fine, but when I'm floppin' around

like two kittens in a sack, I expect an apology.

These are cute.

Em, how are you fixed for panties?

Please stop talking!

I'll take a few thongs if you're buying!

She's too old for thongs.

We're just happy she's wearing underwear now.

I hope Emily's having a good time.

Do you think she's having a good time?

Of course she is.

She's acting embarrassed, but she's having a blast.

You've made a big difference in her life.

Thanks. She's made a big difference in mine.

Her mom still in rehab?

Yeah, we're supposed to go see her tomorrow.

I hope it doesn't set Emily back.

She'll be okay. It's her mom.

Will you look at these! The bra troll nailed it!

Inappropriate.

I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E.

Inappropriate.

- Notice anything different about me? - Oh, boy, not this game.

Um... your hair, your skin, you lost weight, you gained weight.

Whatever it is, I love it.

- I got a new bra. - And I love it.

You want to see it?

Um... maybe we should save it for make-up sex.

But we're not fighting.

Wait for it.

- What did you do? - Nothing.

But I need a favor.

Uh-huh.

I have to go to a funeral, and I was

hoping that you'd watch my dog for a couple of days.

Who died?

A woman that was like a second mother to me.

Well, why would we fight about that?

Of course I'll watch your dog.

Thank you.

But why isn't he staying with your ex-wife?

Okay, here we go.

Well, she will also be at the funeral.

Interesting.

And why is that?

It was her mother who died.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Like I said, we were really close.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And why can't you just go for the day and come back?

Where is this funeral?

I want to say Detroit, but I have to say Hawaii.

Oh, come on!

You're going with your ex-wife to Hawaii?!

- For a funeral. - In Hawaii.

For a funeral.

- In Hawaii. - Okay.

I feel like this could go on for a long time.

You're wrong. It's over.

I will happily watch your dog.

We are not gonna fight about this.

- Well, we kind of already did. - No, that wasn't a fight.

Well, you wouldn't let the Hawaii thing go.

- It's Hawaii! - For a funeral!

Whoa, you happy?! We're fighting now!

Hawaii.

For a funeral.

Don't take his side.

Everybody knows funerals lead to sex.

The crying, the grieving... It's all foreplay.

I didn't know that.

I lost my virginity at a funeral.

It was great.

Hey, this is the part where you guys tell me

I'm being insane and have nothing to worry about.

Bonnie, you're being insane,

and there's nothing to worry about.

Don't just repeat it back to me.

Okay, how's this?

Adam and Danielle may be sharing an emotional experience.

Near a big, shiny, black coffin.

But he asked you to take care of his furry, flatulent,

16-year-old dog who has a taste for underwear.

- It does show that he loves you. - Exactly.

Totally. Good, good, this is what I was looking for.

It's gonna be fine.

As long as nothing happens to the dog.

Isn't there a pallbearer around here you could hump?

I wish.

It really was great.

Hey.

Hey. How'd it go with Emily and her mom?

Oh, I didn't take her. We went to a movie instead.

What do you mean you didn't take her?

Well, it wasn't my idea.

Emily said she didn't want to go,

so what was I supposed to do, make her?

Yes. That's the definition of parenting:

forcing kids to do things they don't want to do.

It's true.

Remember when you were little and were afraid

to go to sleep without the light on?

But I got you through it.

You're gonna take a bow

for not paying the electric bill?

I'm sorry, but Emily opened up to me about her mom.

That woman's not trying to get sober.

She's just using rehab as a "get out of jail free" card.

Jill, I think it's great you're concerned about Emily,

but aren't these visits mandatory?

Yeah, they could take her away from you if you don't do it.

Well, then maybe I'll take her someplace

where nobody can find us.

That's called kidnapping.

How about Hawaii?

I need some eyes on the ground there.

What?

She's nervous about Adam going to Hawaii

with his ex-wife for a funeral.

Oh, and she should be.

Funerals are basically orgies

with a cold, stiff guy in the corner.

Amen, sister.

Yeah, you like me better than his mean old ex-wife.

Yes, you do.

Yes, you...

What's this?

Christy?

Christy, get down here!

What? What's the matter?

- He's got a lump. - So?

Well, I don't think he had it before he got here.

He grew a lump in two hours?

I think so. I don't know. Here, touch it.

- I'm not touching it. - Touch the lump!

Yeah, that's a lump.

What should we do?

I don't know.

I never had a dog 'cause my mom never got me one.

Oh, please. Dogs are for good children.

What do you want me to say?

If you're worried, take him to the vet.

Life was going so good.

Now my boyfriend's rubbing suntan lotion

on his ex-wife's back,

and I'm taking his lumpy dog to the vet.

- Mom? - Yeah?

If it makes you feel better, your life was never going good.

I really appreciate you squeezing us in.

I'm worried sick.

It's not a problem. Uh, who referred you?

Nobody. You just had a friendly face on Yelp.

Oh, thanks.

It's also my Tinder picture.

Well... you can relax.

Lump's just fatty tissue.

It's very common in dogs his age.

So he's not gonna die?

Well, we're all gonna die.

I mean by Sunday at 8:00?

I think you're okay.

Great.

So I'm assuming no problem, no charge?

Oh, no, there's a charge.

Really? You basically just petted him.

With hands that were stupid enough to buy a boat.

- Check okay? - Sure.

Boy, you thought you regretted buying a boat.

This place gives me the creeps.

Reminds me of when I was in rehab.

Really? 'Cause when I visited you in rehab,

the pool boy led me out to your cabana.

Doesn't mean it wasn't hard.

That pool was not heated.

Here they come.

Hey, Jill. My mom wanted to say hi.

Hey, it's nice to meet you.

Get over here, you.