Melissa & Joey

Melissa & Joey is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

So, mom, you know how endless a kitchen remodel can be.

I never want to go through that again.

Yes, but it's all worth it when it's done.

When will it be finished?

Is finished.

Really?

So all this is intentional?

Hey, slow down there, you two.

I've got some solid food coming here.

It's so nice to finally meet you, Monica, put a face to the name.

What brought you to town?

Well, I was waiting for a special occasion, like a wedding,

but who are we kidding? I'm not going to live forever.

That's right, mom. Not married, still single...

can't point that out enough.

I guess Mr. right must have taken a wrong turn.

Monica, would you go tell the kids we're ready to eat?

The children are going to join us for dinner?

At the same table?

Yeah, we try to all eat together, you know, like a family.

And you sit with us too?

I know. It's nuts around here.

Well, no husband and no children of your own,

but still a full table. Ooh ooh, it's like a play...

a sad little play.

You kill me, mom. You really do.

Lennox, dinner!

And you too...

Young man.

How do you put up with that?

Oh, you mean our little mother-daughter back-and-forth?

She just has a sarcastic sense of humor.

No, I have a sarcastic sense of humor, all right?

She's... she's mean.

You just have to laugh it off.

Yeah? Or in your case scratch it off?

It's no big deal. I get hives every once in a while.

Like when?

You know, like Christmas,

Thanksgiving, mother's day.

Burke, come on. It's so obvious. All this stuff you're laughing off

you're actually spelling out in tiny red dots on your arm. Let me see this.

What does it say? Oh yeah, look at that... "help me."

Oh, look what this arm says... "butt out."

Just grab something. We gotta leave.

I need breakfast.

You can eat next when grandma's gone.

What are you guys doing up?

Going to school.

At 6:00 A.M.?

Yeah, we like to be there when it opens.

Yeah, it's really cool when they unchain the gates

and wake up all the homeless guys.

You're doing your grandmother, aren't you?

I cannot listen to her of my outfitsther one

and tell me that I'm asking for it.

You know, she still does not know my name.

She calls me "tall boy."

Maybe you can help her out, you know,

wear a name tag or something.

Oh my God, lights. Okay, let's go, let's go.

Hold on.

This is not cereal. This is croutons.

Close enough. Let's go.

Hey, Joe.

I love this time of day. Don't you?

You've never seen this time of day.

Not true.

I used to stumble home at this hour all the time.

Anyway, I'm off to work.

Why don't you stop sneaking around to avoid your mother

and just admit that your is pretty screwed up?

Because then I'd have to deal with it.

Avoiding your mother is not healthy.

There's nothing unhealthy about it.

All right, all right, look,

sure I wish I had a better relationship with my mother,

but I don't. There's nothing I can do about it.

So I've made peace with that.

See? Peace.

Yeah, I see a piece of skin hanging off right there.

You know, you'd live a lot longer if you actually had a real conversation with her.

We're burkes. Burkes don't do that.

Longos do.

Rumor is the whole next semester

is gonna be pilates or zumba.

Anything without flying balls or sticks coming at me.

I really like my nose where it is.

All right, ladies,

for the next two months we will eat,

sleep and crap soccer.

This week... heading the ball.

I need a volunteer.

You, glickman.

Attagirl. Next time use less face.

Okay, take a lap and then 45 minutes of headers.

Come on.

I am so not doing this.

Well, you can't get out of it.

Coach Dalman only excuses you if you're dead or dying.

And even then, you'd better have a note from the coroner.

Come on, Miller, scanlon, look alive.

Um, listen, coach Dalman,

I need to be excused from p.E. Today.

That's not a problem. Just show me your obituary.

It's, you know, my period.

Please, we women can do on our period. Nt

we can climb mountains. We can declare war.

We can even wear white stretch pants.

So if it's your period,

you can give me an extra 20 laps for starters.

No no no no no, it's not my period. Iod.

- Really? - Yeah.

I so do not have my period.

I wish I had my period.

Oh.

You're pregnant?

You said it.

Honey, if you are, you should definitely not be out here playing soccer.

- Well, I guess you know best. - Yes, I do, scanlon.

Okay, you just get some homework done, put your feet up,

text your baby daddy.

Come on! You run like girls!

Shake that ass!

My goodness, everyone here gets up so early.

It's 11:00.

Then it's time for a big bubbly

glass of breakfast.

Did Mel say when she was coming home?

It's Tuesday... council day. She'll be home at 7:00.

And it's not likely she has a date, so 7:00 it will be.

Wow, you even throw shots at her when she's not here.

Shots? Are you referring to

our little mother-daughter back-and-forth?

You know, that little back-and-forth, I think,

is sometimes pretty hurtful to Mel.

My, the staff does voice its opinion around here, doesn't it?

Yes, it does, yeah.

And another thing that it's curious about is:

It's been two years since you came to your daughter's house.

And you'd like to know why I'm here?

Yeah, I really would.

I'm here because my other daughter is in prison

and I thought it would be nice to spend a little time with my family

while my husband Russell is in Mexico

bedding a 28-year-old yoga instructor.

That's some new information.

And it's our anniversary tomorrow.

That's my gift from Russell... betrayal.

He does not know how to shop for you.

Seriously, wow. I'm sorry.

I never would have said anything if I'd known that.

But hey, you know what?

Since we're kind of talking now,

I gotta tell you,

I think you deserve a lot better than that. How do you stand it?

I have my ways.

I think you should treat yourself a little better than that.

You've got a lot of life left ahead of you.

You don't want to spend the rest of it being miserable, do you?

Lovely talking to you, Joe.

I think I'll take the rest of my breakfast upstairs.

All right, fine.

Avoid all my brilliant advice.

All Burke women do.

Hey.

Hey, I heard you got out of soccer.

Nobody gets out of Dalman's class.

She made Shira Cohen play field hockey with a broken femur.

You could see it poking out.

Yeah, well, I fell into a loophole.

There's a loophole?

Let me have it.

Dalman thinks I'm pregnant.

Yeah, that probably wouldn't work for me.

I just wanted to get out of soccer.

She had me knocked up before I knew what was happening.

Just to be clear... you're not actually pregnant, right?

Of course not. And in a couple of months

she's gonna expect me to look like I've swallowed a basketball.

Ugh, this is wrong.

I hate soccer, but I've got to tell her the truth.

Yeah yeah, tell her first thing tomorrow.

That way they can announce your death at noon assembly.

Maybe we'll even get a half-day out of it.

Okay, 7:00.

If history is any guide, my mom should be

in the middle of her Martini nap.

No, she's wide awake.

Hey, Mel, I gotta talk to you about something

that you're not gonna really want to hear,

but today

I got to know your mother a lot better.

Eww, gross! With my mother? How could you?

What? Eww. Are you...

I have a little more restraint than that. Please.

No, look, we got to talking, all right?

We got to really talking.

Eww, talking?! That's even worse.