Big Boys

SCHMALTZY MUSIC PLAYS

My mum wanted that first Christmas without Dad

to be as warm and loving as it ever was.

Nan got the turkey off a man in a van on Watford ring road,

who later got arrested for smuggling coke in their bum holes.

I can't believe we've still got my S Club 7 bauble.

S Club 6, hon. You stamped all over poor Paul, remember?

Well, he left the band right at their peak.

Shannon, have people forgiven S Club Jo

for the Celeb Big Brother stuff yet?

Erm, I'd say best to put her round the back of the tree.

LOUD CRASH I want a foot spa.

You've already got a foot spa.

Nan, have I already got a foot spa?

I doubt it. Your feet are fucking filthy.

Pegs, are my feet filthy? No comment.

SHE TUTS

What are you going to ask for in your letter to Santa?

Gel pens. Gel pens?

Do you reckon one day there might be a Santa out there with a big sack for you, Pegs?

No, thank you, Shannon.

Anyway, I don't like a big sack.

Laurie had quite small balls, actually.

Please don't! All the men in our family have small balls.

This was the start of me feeling inadequate about my dick and balls.

Always choose your words wisely.

Nah, don't go for him. Look, hairy nostrils.

Think... Oh, I've got that jumper! Tap him.

..confident, OK?

Remember... My dick looks exactly like that.

Oh, my God! I've got a dick-elganger.

Your dick looks nothing like that. Yeah, but...

Jack, you need to get off all the gay hook-up apps

because I heard they're being controlled by the Chinese government.

I've only just got on them, thank you, Corinne.

Listen, if you trust the Chinese Communist Party then fine

but I think they're trying to control the gays.

I think you're trying to control the gays.

Our journalism lecturers were all trendy Hackney creative types,

all in blue worker jackets and all called...

Tim. Nice to meet you all.

All right, everyone. I'm Tim.

Er, please - just call me Tim because that is my name.

I fancied all of them but especially this one.

Oh, he's so fit.

You're such a dull gay. Sometimes people don't want to know the truth.

I found that while working on the Steps-A1 sex controversy.

He's just a beard on legs.

But for this week, you're welcome.

Now, before you all go, we have a special presentation

because of sexual health awareness week.

So please welcome Jules Handy and her new assistant, Kelly.

Whoo!

Come on, Jules.

Whoo! SHE SIGHS

Chlamydia.

Gonorrhoea.

Halitosis of the foreskin.

These are all sexually transmitted infections

which an estimated one in four of you first-years will catch.

Fingers crossed. As we enter the festive season

and we'll all be bouncing up and down on Santa's knee

we must consider the importance of condoms

during all forms of sexual activity.

Even blow jobs? Yes!

Ah, a little festive blowie's all right, isn't it?

Right, Jack Rooke, I heard that. Stop interrupting.

What? That's wasn't me! Right, well, the joke's on you

because you've just volunteered to help with my contraception drive.

I didn't bloody say anything! Basically, that's where you guys come in.

Because I want all Fashion, Arts and Media students, my FAM,

to create an innovative piece of work

that's going to encourage students to look after

their willies, fannies and bum holes.

Then just before we leave for Christmas

we'll have a big showcase

with one lucky winner nabbing the grand prize of...

Hold them up. Of four tickets to the,

erm, Reading festivals!

Oh, my God! Some of my happiest memories are at Reading Festival.

I once threw a bottle of piss at Lady Sovereign.

I thought you liked Lady Sovereign.

Yeah, I do.

Bye-bye.

As soon as there was a competition at our uni,

all the art-school kids went into overdrive,

desperate to show off and make their most graphic work to date.

Ooh! What's the massive red fanny about?

It's not a massive red fanny.

It's an engorged labia caused by undetected trichomoniasis.

Yummy! Tell me more.

I'm using images of infected genitals

to create a public information theme

encouraging democratisation of knowledge about the body,

which is often skewed through a male lens.

Ugh! Sounds like porn for people who need to slap on a bit of Sudocrem.

Have you got any STIs so far this year? I wish.

It's these antidepressants. It's like I'm playing snooker with a piece of string.

I've seen you out with loads of girls.

Yeah, you love oral!

Yeah. OK.

Can I suck your cock? No, no.

Oh! You're the cunnilingus guy girls have been talking about.

All right.

Most of them don't know your name, so they just call you Head Boy.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

I don't want to be Head Boy! I want to be Dick Man!

What is the point of being at uni if you can't bang anyone?

It's just an erection, Danny. It is not just an erection.

It's an M&S erection, all right? I hate you.

Well, that's my best feature. Oh, my God.

Well, why don't you just ask your GP if you can change your meds?

Not all of them lead to impotence. All right! Inside voice.

Yeah, I know that. It's just... Or you can go to the uni therapist.

Drop in and explain what's happening. Yeah, I might give that a bash but...

Just do it, Danny, because your best feature is not your penis.

It's that sometimes you are quite kind.

All right, soppy cow. Oh, God. Fuck you.

Do you know, I didn't become a people person overnight.

You know, it takes hard work. OK, I need to go.

OK, erm, right. Here we go. OK, you two stay here.

I just need to send this parcel back to Isis.

ASOS. Oh, yeah.

Erm, OK, BRB.

Hi.

I've just restocked the king size bucket.

Everyone here must have such a massive knob.

Well, they're lying. Why would anyone lie

when the sexual health of others is at stake?

Yeah.

I wasn't getting laid

and the more I saw them dipping their hand in the jar of giant johnnies,

the more I was starting to worry that I might have a...

Small Dick, come in. Yemi, don't call me that.

Ain't nothing wrong with small. Are you minted?

Yemi promised to help me before his shift

as the local pub's bingo caller,

giving me a comprehensive masterclass

on how to take a good cock shot for the apps.

The trick is to light it from behind,

then take it either from the base to extend the visual of the shaft

or from above, like 70 degrees, to accentuate the bell.

All right. Now stay here, watch some porn, take a dick pic

and text us the results.

Oh, wait - can I make a latte?

No.

And so, as I was trying to take some flattering pics of my dick,

you were busy trying to fix yours.

Daniel. Welcome in.

You weren't...? Oh, no, no, no.

I was moving it back to "therapist".

I've told Jules I bloody hate those magnets. Come on in.

You all right? Well, apart from the fact I'm getting old,

getting divorced and being chased for my TV licence,

I'm absolutely fine.

But I've noticed that you've booked and cancelled sessions with me quite a few times,

so how can I help you?

OK, so, erm...

So I've been taking medication for depression for a few months

and I'm finding that my pills are stopping me from...

You know - getting the old...

Jehovah's stiffness.

Jehovah's...? I can't get a Kerry Katona.

A tent pole. Right.

OK. Got you.

Yeah, so basically, I just want to change my meds, you know,

just so I can start feeling myself again.

Quite literally.

Right, OK. Well, look, I'm not a doctor,

erm, but I do know that typically it's not that simple.

Coming off medication does require proper management... I know that.

But I want to do it now cos I'm 25

and I'm surrounded by all these fit students

and my dick's not working because I'm too busy trying to fix my brain.

Do you know what I mean? So, I can't keep going down on girls.

I'm getting lockjaw here. It's like a flipping Greek tragedy.

Right, OK. Erm, well, look, I'm happy to talk about

any frustrations you might be feeling

but you will need to talk to your GP about your meds.

It's going to be a gradual process of lowering your dose...

THERAPIST'S VOICE FADES ..switching and then the prospect of any new side effects...

HIGH–PITCHED TONE

Do you know what, mate? Er...

I actually don't want to talk about this.

OK. Er, yeah.

Sorry - no disrespect. I just erm...

I'm going to go. Are you sure?

Because I'm here to talk these sort of things through, mate.

Yeah. No, I am sure, yeah.

Sorry.

Ah, yes! Perfect.

Can I speak to you very quickly about your sexual health?

Yeah.

Yeah, so I lost my virginity in fresher's week...

Hiya. All right?

Yeah.

I've been eating pineapple chunks.

Right. OK. That's good.

Mango.

Even Sharon fruit.