The Sitter

Come inside, take off your coat

I'll make you feel at home

Now let's pour a glass of wine

'Cause now we're all alone

Oh, my God!

Girl you make me feel real good

That's right.

What's up?

Oh, my God.

My mom was so right.

Nice guys really do eat the best pussy.

I'm not really sure how to interpret that. Thank you?

Oh, my God.

How are you so good at that?

I'll let you in on a trade secret.

I actually write a short story with my tongue every time I do it.

It follows this young kid

who finds this alien in the woods

with all these Reese's Pieces and stuff.

And he learns that aliens are just no different.

You just can connect with anyone.

It's kind of like E. T., only with a lot more going down on chicks.

Cool beans.

Yeah, cool beans.

Definitely. Cool little frozen beans.

Yeah.

All right, so...

Thank you for coming. Thank you.

Yeah, we should, uh...

We should probably... Yeah, you should probably go.

...switch places.

What's that?

I figured... Don't you have to go?

No, no, I just figured because I made "mouth love" to you

that maybe you could Return the favor.

What?

Maybe toss a BJ my way.

If you have time.

Um, my stomach is super-iffy right now.

I think I got food poisoning.

Baby.

So I'm just in no condition to blow you right now, Noah.

No, yeah, that's cool. Okay.

Sorry. Next time, sweetie.

Are you sure you don't want to come over tonight?

There's this thing called a geomagnetic storm.

It's really cool and rare, actually.

It's like an astronomical explosion

in the sky of all these beautiful colors.

Whoa! (LAUGHS)

Kind of like Mother Nature's fireworks.

It happens, like, almost never.

Like I said, I'm just not feeling good.

But thank you so much for going down on me.

Oh, yeah. You're really good at, um, getting going down on,

getting downed on,

so you should be proud of that as well.

Okay, cool. You da man!

You da man.

Peace. You're the best, sweetie.

Don't stop believing in yourself, okay, Maris?

Uncle Ricky, could you read us a bedtime story?

Please, huh, please?

Here we go

Once upon a time, not long ago

Where people wore pajamas and lived life slow

Where laws were stern and justice stood

And people were behavin' like they ought to good

There lived a little boy who was misled

By another little boy and this is what he said

Me and you Tike, we're gonna make some cash

Robbin' old folks and makin' the dash

They did the job, money came with ease

But one couldn't stop, it's like he had a disease

He robbed another and another and a sister and a brother

Tried to rob a man who was a D. T. Undercover

The cop grabbed his arm, he started actin' erratic

He said, "Keep still boy, no need for static"

Punched him in his belly and gave him a slap

But little did he know, the little boy was strapped

The kid pulled outta gun, he said, "Why'd you hit me?"

The barrel was set straight for the cop's kidney

Ran up the stairs up to the top floor

Opened up a door, there guess who he saw

Dave, the dope fiend shootin' dope

Who don't know the meaning of water nor soap?

He said, "I need bullets, hurry up, run"

The dope fiend rolled back a spankin' shot gun

This ain't funny, so don't ya dare laugh

Just another case about the wrong path

Straight and narrow or your soul gets cast

Good night

Yo, Mom, what's up?

Noah!

Where were you? Were you out with that girl again?

Yeah, but she's not "that girl," okay?

We're in a relationship. It's legit.

So have you started looking for a job yet?

I can't afford to have you sitting around all day.

You're in a period of stasis. Just a stage of stasis.

Sorry.

You sure you don't want that beer now?

Or maybe something stronger? I have absinthe.

Why can't we hit up Dad? He owes us 10 years of alimony.

Oh, look, kiddo.

If you're looking for a handout, think again times 10.

That guy's a diamond dealer. He has crazy cash.

Why'd you marry such an A-hole?

That A-hole gave me the greatest gift in the world.

Crabs?

He gave me you.

Okay.

So, tell me, what do you think?

Do I look okay? You look amazing.

Why are you so concerned with your outfit?

Mrs. Pedulla is introducing me to a surgeon

at the fundraiser at the Historical Society.

Okay.

She thinks we're going to hit it off. Nice.

Well, don't give it up too easily.

Give what up? What?

Give what up? What did...

What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know.

Have fun. I love you. Okay? I love you.

Hey, Mom. Yeah.

I think you're going to have a really great night,

and you look beautiful.

Oh. From your lips to God's ears.

Scientists are predicting a giant storm over the city tonight.

A geomagnetic storm, that is.

Caused by flare-ups on the sun,

This rare storm affects the Earth's magnetic field...

Noah, can you get the phone?

Mom, the phone's ringing!

Noah, please get the phone!

Mom, the phone's ringing! Do you hear it?

Noah, can't you think about somebody else besides yourself for once?

No, I totally was. That's why I said the phone was ringing.

I was letting you know that it was ringing.

Yeah. I'm thrilled about tonight.

You flip, but they flop. You flip, but they flop!

What? Oh, is that right?

They perfected the pancake?

A rain check?

It's a perfect pancake!

No, that's fine. It's perfect.

Mom, tell whoever's on the phone

that there's a perfect pancake.

Thanks.

I'm not going after all.

What? Why?

The Pedullas' sitter canceled at the last minute.

What?

Do I have shit on my face?

Come on. Don't tell me you can't use the money.

Are you crazy? No. I'm not Mary Poppins.

I'm not gonna be a babysitter. I'm an adult man.

Okay? Babysitting sucks. Adult men don't babysit things.

Oh, Noah, you're wonderful with children!

You know, never mind.

Who am I kidding? Finding a guy at my age is ridiculous.

I'm going to change my dress. (EXHALES)

What are you in the mood for? Chinese?

Oh, come on.

Ding-dong!

Noah!

Mrs. Pedulla.

It's so good to see you!

Oh, my gosh.

Get over... Bring it in for a hug, babe. What are we doing?

God, I haven't see you since you were, like, 15.

Yeah. So Dr. Pedulla, he's still alive? You two are still together?

Um...

Oh! That's my kind of TV, right there.

Yeah, well, feel free to watch anything you want.

Cool. Yeah.

Hey, Slater?

Anyway, honey, this is Noah. He's going to be babysitting tonight.

What happened to Nancy?

Honey, we talked about this.

Nancy has a urinary tract infection, okay?

Is Clayton coming over tonight?

No, Mom. His tarantula died from parasites,

and now he's in mourning.

Well, you're in luck, Noah.

The two of them together are just trouble.

Hey. That's not true.

Why do you say that? You're always attacking us!

Honey, I am not attacking you.

Okay? Calm down.

You know what? I'll be right back. Yeah.

Okay? Excuse me just one second.

Hello?

Hey, what are you watching?

Just watching some gymnastics.

Cool.

Hey, how old are you, man?

Thirteen.

Thirteen?