Friday Night Dinner

Oh!

Wait. I'm busy.

Well, can you move?

All right, come in then.

Thank you.

What you doing?

Hm?

What are you doing?

Looking for trilobites.

Trilobites?

You know, marine arthropods. I found my old fossil collection.

Wow, every night's a party night round here.

Pardon?

All right, Pusface!

Pissface. Hi, Mum.

Hi.

Where's Grandma? Is she coming?

Oh, she's coming, all right. And you'll never guess who with?

How do I know who Grandma's coming with? Hi, Mum.

Hi, Bobble.

One minute, you don't mean...?

Her new boyfriend.

Oh my god! We're going to meet Grandma's new boyfriend!

Oh, I told you, Mr Morris is not Grandma's boyfriend, he's her...

"Male companion".

Exactly.

Male prostitute.

Stop it.

- Jackie, I found a trilobite. - Mazel tov.

When are they getting here?

Yeah, good question. They were meant to be here about...

Martin, you do know that's butter you're eating?

What?

They're cubes of butter.

Oh, I thought it was cheese.

Oh, and put a top on. Mr Morris won't want to see your hairy udders.

Well he sees Grandma's.

Very nice!

God, grandma with a man. Urgh!

Yeah, urgh!

What do you mean, 'urgh'?

Yeah, what's wrong with your Grandma going with men?

Oh, lovely way of putting it!

Well, she obviously went with a man to form you.

Nice image.

Thank you, Martin! No, thank you all very much.

Tastes like cheese.

Sorry, Mum.

Yeah.

It's all right, it's just since Grandad died,

I've never seen my mum with another man.

- I'm sure he'll be really nice. - Yeah, Mum.

Do you think so?

Well, if he's not, we'll just strangle him

and dissolve his body in acid.

Or chop him up and burn him.

Ah, that's my boys.

Oh, oh, text from Grandma.

Grandma can text?

That's debatable.

"Dear Jackie".

"Dear"? That's a good start.

"Sorry we are late, late.

"Now we are, we here 7, 7, 7, 7".

Huh?

So that means?

It means they're here.

Oh my god, they're here! They're here!

When are they coming?

They're here!

He's got a cool car.

God, it's in pieces.

Did Grandma say if Mr Morris had any eyes,

cos I'm not sure he knows there's a house right in front of him.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Jesus.

Hello, Mr Morris.

Your bloody house just broke my light.

There. Drink, Mum?

Two sherries, please.

One for you and one for...?

Both for me. Two sherries, please.

OK, two sherries.

Delightful bathroom.

Oh, thank you. Drink Mr Morris, er, Lou?

There was no hand towel.

Oh, I am sorry.

I had to dry my hands on the curtains.

What else could I do?

Not dry your hands on the curtains?

- He's very clean. - Hygienical.

Um, would you like a drink?

I think I'll have champagne.

- Champagne? - For this wonderful occasion.

Lou does like his champagne.

Um, I don't think we've got any cham...

Yes, we do, there's a bottle in the fridge.

No, that's the special bottle.

Even better, the special bottle of champagne.

You know, your mother makes me very happy, look.

Oh!

Mmmmm!

I'm going to get the drinks.

So am I.

And so am I.

Martin!

Mwa! Oh, I'm all randy!

He likes the loo.

What?

He likes the loo, your friend - the male.

The male.

Stop it. He'll be here in a minute.

- After he's wiped his cock on the curtains. - Jonny!

Pow!

What's that?

Mr Morris?

Well, go on.

Bit scared.

Hello, boys!

Oh, hi Jim, what are you...?

Who is it?

Jim!

Oh.

Hello Jackie, um, something smells nice!

Why didn't you use the front door?

Well, that's the thing, I couldn't get there,

because, well, did you know there's a car parked right up against it?

Yes, we know.

Joyrider, is it?

Um, sort of the opposite. The guy's about 100.

I'm 82, thank you very much.

Hello, Mr Morris.

Something wrong with my driving?

Um, not specifically your driving,

it's more specifically your parking.

Who is this man?

Oh, a dog. I don't like dogs. Dirty.

No, not Wilson, he's very clean. Aren't you, lovely?

You shouldn't allow dogs near food preparation areas. Dirty.

He's not dirty.

They're riddled with nits.

No, not Wilson. I had him de-riddled.

Dirty, urgh!

Who's that man?

Sorry Jim, just ignore him.

He looked like Hitler.

It's, it's not Hitler, is it?

Everything OK?

Er...

The man didn't like my driving! We'll show him what a real driver is.

Will we?

If you're lucky, you can come with me later to get a new bulb for my indicator.

And if we're unlucky?

Shhh!

Have you ever worked?

"Have I ever worked?" he asks? What am I, a layabout? Of course I've worked!

Martin!

Actually I had a very exciting career.

- Did you? - I worked with the armed forces.

So you were in the army?

No, we put the buttons on the uniforms.

What?

Is that a thing?

'Course it's a thing. We had a machine.

Oh, he had a big machine. A very big machine!

What did he do again?

A button company.

Mutton company?

Just go and get the pickled cucumber, would you?

Mutton company?

Yes, I had the biggest button sewing company around.

That is until Rutherford's came along.

He doesn't like Rutherford's.

Rutherford's! They wouldn't know a button from a monkey's anus!

Oh! >

Very succulent chicken, my love.

Thank you.

You, little legs.

Me?

Excellent.

Have a guess how many staff I had in London and the South East?

Um, four?

Four? Four!

No, not you. Don't listen to him.

You, Beanstalk? How many staff do you think I had working

for me in London and the South East?

And the South East?

And the South East.

I dunno, 1,000?

1,000? 1,000!

All right, 100.

Less.

90?

Much less.

Five?

More. Five!

Six?

11, all right?

I had 11 damned loyal people all working for me.

And do you know what? Not one of them ever slandered me.