Malcolm in the Middle

.

Reese has had the remote for four hours.

That's four hours of mindless crap in five second increments.

You go to the bathroom, you lose the remote! Fine.

I can wait.

I dunno. You drank a lot of soda.

It must really be pressing on your bladder. Not gonna work.

THEN I had four glasses of Dad's iced tea.

He just kept POURING and POURING.

Not gonna work.

The equivalent of 3 semi-trailers of water pour over the falls every second.

Not gonna work.

Not...

gonna...

..work!

Turns out this is way better than anything on TV.

# Yes, no, maybe

# I don't know

# Can you repeat the question?

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# Life is unfair #

Alright, turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it...

NO! Too far. Go back! Back, back, back, back, back, back.

THERE THERE THERE there! Just three more inches clockwise and...

Wh-wh-wh-whoa, whoa! easy... Back a coupla degrees, steady..

YES! Perfect! Haha!

Oh.

These needles are going against the grain. That'll be ALL I'll see!

Don't move!

Spend a couple of days with Grandma. You can leave right after Christmas!

I am NOT visiting that woman! She's EVIL and she HATES me!

Francis, it's Grandma's first Christmas since Grandpa died and you're closest.

How can you be so selfish? Did you invite her there?

She's knows she's always welcome.

Maybe we'll come and surprise you. Don't you threaten ME!

I am ending this discussion!

You are going to White Horse. You are going to buy her a gift.

You will both have a proper Christmas!

I hate you!

Get this off of me, you stupid son of a-

BOYS! Dewey asked us to do it!

What is wrong with you?!

The tree is barely in the door and already you're starting...

I can't leave you alone for a second without you trying to kill each other!

This is supposed to be a HAPPY TIME!

I dunno what it is, but Mom freaks out every Christmas.

Ho ho ho!

Who did this?! Who did this?!

Drop and roll, honey! Who did this?! For God's sakes, drop and roll!

Maybe it's the lack of sunlight. That can mess with people's brains.

Hi, Grandma. Oh, sh...

God sake's, it's colder in here. Don't you turn the heat on?

I'm not paying those pirates. Of course not.

Well, in the spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade.

I never know what you're talking about. You talk like a jackass.

You do this to torture me, hurt me?!

You don't like Christmas music? It sounds like a song they sang

when they rode through villages throwing babies on the fire!

They sang Jingle Bells?

They sang something.

Well, look at that - 8pm already. Way past bedtime. Where do I sleep?

You're sittin' on it. Does it turn into a bed?

Yes, it becomes a bed. It's a special magic sofa(!)

It opens up for magic lazy boy(!)

The angels come and feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep.

It flies around the room granting wishes for boys what are STUPID!

Alright, it doesn't fold out(!)

Can I look yet? Just... a minute.

Hey, this is from BOTH of us! I picked it out. I stepped in it!

HEY!

Hey...

Gotcha!

Mom. How nice to see you home.

I HAVE HAD IT!

What are you doing?

I am taking everything!

Every present, decoration and treat and locking it in the garage.

Every single Christmas, you burn or break or destroy,

AND I AM PUTTING A STOP TO IT!

She's stealing Christmas! You can't do this!

It's the last year Dewey will believe in Santa. What?!

If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will BE a Christmas morning.

Otherwise, these go back to the store

and Christmas will be cancelled!

You wouldn't cancel Christmas. You're bluffing.

You cancelled Christmas?! No, I'm holding it hostage.

It seems harsh but nothing else has ever worked.

Every year we yell and threaten, bargain and beg...

Maybe this time they'll behave. We're in this together.

I'm playing the unity card. Bu- Unity card, Hal!

But... I love Christmas...!

I know you do, dear.

Is there anything that trumps the unity card?

Hal?

I really think we can win this 'Nam thing.

That's not for you. That's for the carollers.

You ruin smoking for me. You sound like you're dying.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?! You can't wait to get my things.

Yeah(!) I got big plans for these doilies(!)

And that 30-year-old can of peaches. Don't touch my peaches!

Like I'm gonna...

Stop that racket!

People are trying to sleep! Your stupid music!

No figgy pudding for you!

Please pass the syrup, please.

Thank you. You're very welcome.

More coffee? Please. I'll get it, Mom! It's OK.

I hope you'll let us wash the dishes. Love to. Absolutely.

Now, THAT I'll take you up on.

We can do this. It's Christmas Eve and we've behaved for 10 hours.

OK, eight were asleep, but we can do another 24, right?

Who wants the last waffle? I do! I do! I do!

Oh, no...!

You know, I would really like that waffle.

Yes, but I am a growing boy. Perhaps it would be best if I had the waffle

Thanks for offering it to me, boys.

They're such good boys.

AARGHH! God, what the hell's wrong with you?!

You like pushing me? That's what happens when you push, tough guy!

Can't you do the entire family a favour and DIE!

All you've ever done is treat us like dirt.

You shouldn't be ALLOWED to be a Grandma! Are you finished? YES!

Yes, I... AAARRGGGGHHHHH, GOD...!

Oh, I am SO sorry...!

I should've kissed your boo-boos and made dem better.

I was supposed to tell the bad little boy stories

and bake you giant sugar cookies and knit you fluffy sweaters,

carried you and held you, and told you how much I loved your diapers.

Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off? After Magnum PI.

Lois! I'm home!

Honey, look, I saw something and I just HAD to get it for you.

It's a little more than we agreed to spend on each other

but - hey, it's Christmas! - we got a whole year to follow rules!

It's beautiful..!

I mean, isn't that what the season is all about?

Relaxing, enjoying things, making people happy.

Hal, that's so sweet and thoughtful.

I hope I get to open it.

Rats!

You're doin' it all wrong.

You've seven ornaments, I'm putting them on your tree - what's wrong?

Go get the angel off the - hic! - mantel.

Who's this?

That is your grandfather when he was - hic! - young man.

Euch! Tell me that eyebrow isn't genetic(!)

You and him. Both the same.

Always had to have your own way.

Nothing ever good enough. Always had to fight everything.

Victor always had to be SO independent.

Left home when he was 11, lived on his own,

go to work on farm, ploughin' the fields.

Like a man. Worked 18 hours a day.

Had to sleep with the pigs.

But he never complained.

He was strong.

He made something of himself.