Thirteen at Dinner

Two-shot on two.

Ten seconds from now. Starting the two-shot.

We stay on two for the applause.

That's great. Terrific! It's been great having you with us.

Tell me, before you go,

when can we expect to see our favorite onscreen detective

in his next Jake Slagle movie?

Well, actually, David, as you know, that's why I'm in London.

We're starting shooting the next one right now.

So, I would imagine that it will be out sometime next year.

Oh, well, that's terrific. We look forward to it.

Mr. Bryan Martin, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

Back to three.

Right, frame out, Phil.

And take three.

To mention his name to the criminal community

would be a bit like waving a fistful of garlic

in front of a starving vampire.

He's looking straight at me.

Here is the key...

- Where is he? - You're on. You're on now.

The man coming out...

- I don't understand anything here. - You'll be all right.

When he says your name you go on.

Off-screen detective. Will you welcome...

- Oh, that must be me. - Yes.

Monsieur Hercule Poirot!

Just leave me alone.

I shan't forget this.

It's a pleasure, a pleasure to meet you.

Monsieur Poirot, it's a very great privilege

to have you making your television debut here with us all tonight.

Do you watch much television? Because you'd like it, you know.

Because it's full of crime

and detection, you know.

And very reassuring, the good guys always win.

Unlike the news summary on my clock radio

where the bad guys always seem to win.

Pretty good, Monsieur Poirot. Absolutely.

Tell me, have you seen any of Bryan's Jake Slagle films?

- Who's that? - Jake Slagle.

- This is Mr. Slagle. - Well, Bryan. I play a character...

- We have already met, I think. - Yes, friend.

No, I don't go to the cinema very often, I'm afraid.

The last cinema I saw was Casablanca.

I was invited to the premier in Antwerp.

In Antwerp? Really? I didn't know it premiered in Antwerp.

Do you spend much time in Belgium?

No, because there's so little crime.

You know that I'm very patriotic. I believe in Belgium very profoundly,

but crime is practically nonexistent.

Did you ever nearly get into anything else at all?

No, not really.

I could've gone into crime because it's similar as a profession.

It's the same... it's the other side of the same coin.

Heads or tails?

Oh, crime! No, I think not.

And now it's time to introduce our next guest.

And our next guest is going to come as a surprise

not to Monsieur Poirot, but to Bryan over there

because it's the co-star of his new movie.

Yes, will you welcome, please, Miss Jane Wilkinson!

Hello!

Hello, everybody.

It's so nice to be here.

And so nice to be me.

Do sit down, please.

Jane.

- Are you surprised, Bryan? - Yeah, I'm astounded.

Well, the element of surprise has always been my forte.

Good word.

But tell me, Bryan. I mean, how would you describe Jane here?

Would you call her unpredictable? Would you call her irresistible?

Call me anytime.

That's weird.

Weird is the word. Even uncanny.

This young lady looks like your famous co-star, Bryan,

but in fact, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like you to take another look at...

Just because I never went to high school

you act like I haven't got a brain in my head.

The star of the Club Carlyle,

Miss Carlotta Adams!

Fantastic! I'll bet that threw him.

Thank you.

Ellis, get Bryan on the phone. I want to talk to him.

Let's have them over here, that detective and the girl.

- For dinner. - Yes.

- How wonderful. - Yes.

Got it!

- Hello, Jane. - Hi.

How good of you all to come.

Jane, this is Hercule Poirot.

- Mr. Poirot, it's an honor. - Madame. Thank you.

- This is Arthur Hastings. - I'm delighted to meet you.

It's nice to meet you. Go on in, please.

Thank you. Arthur.

This is my friend, Ronny.

- Pleasure. - I need a drink.

Ellis, will you pour the drinks?

You're talking to an ex-bartender here, not just a pretty face.

I'll do it.

I was watching you...

Hey, it's so nice to be here.

And so nice to be you.

Where did you get that dumb hand gesture?

You'll help... You'll help me? Terrific!

What's the next one to be called?

- Roses are Dead. - And I play Rose.

Mr. Poirot, could I steal you for a minute?

- Yes, I... - Just for one second.

Hercule, you're a detective, you know, I wonder if you could help me.

Oh, it would be an honor.

Well, I've just got to get rid of my husband.

I'm not very good at getting rid of husbands.

I think you need a lawyer.

Not a lawyer. I've given up on them.

He just won't give me a divorce.

- And your husband is? - Lord Edgware.

Yes, you're speaking to Lady Edgware, if you can believe that.

And why is it so important to be rid of his lordship?

- So I can get married again, why else? - Yes, why, indeed?

George is a... He's kind of strange.

Well, scary, really.

I mean, he's like a freeway with no off-ramps, you know?

I mean, we've been separated two years.

His first wife left him, too. Ages ago.

She walked out on him and their three-month-old daughter,

who is still living with him.

- She's grown up, now. - I hope so.

She's a little disturbed,

to put it politely.

Anyway, I want to get married again, so I got to divorce George first, right?

Might I know the identity of your intended?

- The Duke of Merton. - The Duke of Merton?

I guess I got this thing for English guys with titles.

It's my only vice.

But I understood the duke was rather monkish.

Yeah, that's him.

He's like a dreamy kind of monk.

So serious and reverent.

Oh, how about it, Hercule?

Come on.

I mean, you could just talk to him about a divorce, huh?

I mean, you want me to be happy. Don't you?

I want everybody to be happy.

No, I wasn't thinking about everybody. I was just thinking about me.

Dinner's ready. Everybody, come on.

- Good. I'm starved. - Yes.

Let's eat.

You better help the lady out.

I don't think she understands the word "No".

Perhaps she's never come across it.

You don't...

No, I must say I've never managed with a horse.

I would have been strictly a foot regiment on that...

I say, have we met?

Yes, earlier. My name is Hastings.

You're not Spencer Jones who loaned me £20 at the club the other night?

No.

You could correct that oversight, now, if you would.

- Or a 50, if you've got it? - Gee, Ronny, it's time to go.

Debt creates a bond between men, don't you think?

Ronny? Hey.

It's really been a thrill to meet you, Miss Wilkinson.

It's really been a thrill to meet you, Miss Wilkinson.

Call me Jane.

Yes, thanks awfully for an absolutely delightful repast, Aunt Jane.

Smashing.

Smashing.

Well, Hercule, how about it?

Will you talk to George about a divorce?

Or do I have to jump in a cab, go over there and waste him?

- Jane, you shouldn't joke like that. - Who's joking?

Yes. Well, Charles and I had better be running along.

Me, too. I've got an early call.

- What is "waste"? - What? Oh, don't ask me, old man.

Haven't a clue.

I haven't understood a word anybody said all evening.

I remember seeing you at the Cafe Carlyle.

Thank you. Marvelous.

- Listen, what... 12:30 tomorrow. - 12:30 tomorrow?

Lovely evening, darling.

- Take care. - You, too.

Bye, kid.

Thank you so much. You are...

You don't escape until I get an answer.

I agree to speak with Lord Edgware on your behalf.

You do?

Wonderful.

You're a darling! Isn't he a darling?

It numbs the senses.

- I can't thank you enough. Thank you. - That's all right.

- Thanks for coming. - Arthur.

Yes, sir.

- Bye, Hercule. - Bye. Thank you very much.

Poirot, you astound me.

My dear Hastings, the most beautiful woman in the world

could not possibly influence Hercule Poirot.