Saint Jack

Hey, how's it hanging?

Mr. Jack.

- What is it, Gopi? - Mr. Hing want to see you right away.

Fuck him. - Fuck him?

- Yeah, you heard me. - Mr. Hing wait two hours.

- Tell him I got smallpox. - Smallpox?

That's right.

What happened? Have you been playing at my desk again?

No, Mr. Jack. I do not play.

Do not play? So, what is this? And this?

- Medicine? - That's right, medicine.

Mr. Houston? Jack Flowers here. Sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner.

Yeah. What can I do for you, sir?

Really? That's great, Colonel.

Are you kidding me? Two thousand's a big help!

A whorehouse is always a good investment.

Who? Yamila? Sure!

Prince's Hotel okay?

Sure, you got it sir.

But Mr. Hing!

Yes, Gopi.

I know, Gopi.

Kinda hot!

How you running, handsome?

You looking for me, Smiley?

New man coming from Hong Kong. Main office. Audit books.

Armo.

What happened to the old man?

Die. Sick. This year new man.

Armo!

Armo, Armo! How would you like it if I called you a Chink?

You got no tact, you know that?

If it wasn't for me, do you think any red-headed skippers

would buy from you? What? Because of your charm?

You will meet at airport. Mr. William Leigh.

Armo.

My car's being fixed You will meet... 5 o'clock

I'll have to take a taxi. Bus.

Now, you make the auditor take the bus, he'll find something wrong with the books.

In taxi.

Look at this! The Geneva Conference over 4 bucks!

How do you stand that shit?

One night when he's asleep, jump on the bed and bite him in the neck.

What the hell? They can't arrest you.

Bus to airport Taxi back.

You want me to tell him about that other set of books?

- Okay Andrew, you wait here? - What about the police?

- That they get mad. - That, now, that they get mad.

- What's up, Charlie? How is the yen going? - Smooth sailing.

- What about the Deutschmark? - That always goes well.

- Always good. What about the dollar? - Pretty good.

Pretty good.

Hey, buddy, where's my cigars?

- Hi Jack. I keep them for a month. - Why didn't you call me?

- My wife will kill me if... - Oh, your wife, your wife! Let me pay you that.

That's okay. You can keep.

Okay, Call me next time, for Christ sake. Don't be afraid.

Announcing the arrival of Malaysian Airlines flight number 623 from Danan.

Flight number 623 from Danan.

Is the name William Leigh? - Yes.

Hi. Bill. My name's Jack Flowers. I work for Hing.

- How are you? - Let me give you a hand.

No, no, I can fix myself. You... you are not Chinese.

No, I'm italian. Well, I wasn't born in Italy, but my father was.

I was born in Buffalo. That's in New York, near Niagara Falls.

Hello honey! How you doing?

You know how Buffalo got its name? Nothing to do with the animal.

Here, let me handle that It has been a very long trip.

You see, the French arrived first, they saw a river there and they called it Beau Fleuve. Beautiful river.

A couple of Texans must have gotten hold of it

Beau Fleuve... Bofler... Buffalo you know?

- Oh I see. They erm... - To the Prince Hotel, Andrew.

It's a nice place. They give me a little kickback - Really?

- My God, how hot it is! - Well, we're in winter, Bill.

This is just the equator. Have you never been to Singapore?

No, never, but I have been told that it is very... very...

Alright. Let's go, Andrew.

- Very pleasant. - Well, it depends on what you like.

Five hundred dollar fine! You know that?

- What? For that? - That's right!

Well. how's the weather in Hong Kong?

Well actually, of course, it's a good deal cooler than here.

So then... you want something nice for tonight?

Sorry?

Girl? A special with two girls... A massage?

Take it easy, Andrew! The man just got here! Do you want to kill him?

- No, I want him to feel at home. - Are you that interested?

Oh no no no. Well, in point of actual fact... I was wondering if...

- Come on, don't be shy. - I wouldn't want...

Come on, shoot. The choice isn't very big. Most people don't realize that.

It boils down to 5. There's boys, girls, dirty pictures...

exhibition, massage... combination thereof.

- Now what did you have in mind? - Well, I'm... I'd like to get a game of squash.

Squash?

That's no problem. Here we have five places with courts.

- The Tanglin Club, the Racket Club... - Excuse me, I'm hot.

Look at this! The man can't breathe and he wants to play squash.

I'm so sorry. You're not a squash player yourself, by any chance, are you?

- No, Bill, I drink. Do you drink? - Well... William.

William?

Well I... take the odd drop.

There you go, Andrew. Don't spend it all in one place.

- Sorry. - Thank you.

Let's go downtown for a bite to eat, yeah?

I'll be with you in a minute, William.

European, Chinese, Thai, Indian food...

We will go to Chinatown, it is the best place.

What? Oh, erm... two, I should think.

Two? - Yes.

- William, I'll with you in a minute? Just a second? - Right.

Hey! How byou doing, kids?

Nice dress, Judy!

Hello Jack. Judy tells me you sold a lot of Coca-Cola last night.

Bet your life! Who was that black girl, Judy? Just left?

- Oh, she's so beautiful. - That she is!

The first time I saw her I just put my hands on her face.

- Where's she from? - She come from Ceylon.

That son of a bitch prick Chinese boyfriend... she come down to see him.

- And he put her on the street. - Yeah, the son of a bitch prick.

- Yeah, well, it's an old story, Judy. - New to her!

Bob. - Yeah?

I've fixed old Colonel Gunstone up with Yanila. He'll be in later.

Now you make sure the air conditioning's working...

- Yes - And if anything goes wrong with his ticker, what do you do?

- I call you. - That's right!

- Bob, I want you to meet a very good friend of mine, Mr William Leigh. - How are you doing, Mr. Leigh?

- We gotta have grade A service. - Grade A!

What did you give him? An inside room or an outside room?

- Outside. - Nah, too noisy.

Nice view.

Look, we gotta have an inside room, right, William?

- The view stinks anyway. - Jack!

- Yeah? - I'll see you later.

Okay.

Enjoy your stay, Mr. Leigh. See you later, Jack.

William, What say I pick you up at about... eight tomorrow morning.

Alright, fine.

Oh Jack! - Yeah?

- Thanks so much for meeting me. - Forget about it!

- Can I buy you a drink? - What?

Why not?

- What... what shall I do about my...? - Take Mr. Leigh's bag upstairs, will you?

- Are you sure you've got the time? - As a matter of fact I'm going to a place that I think you'll like.

- Look, I don't want to intrude. - You'll meet some of your countrymen there.

- Really? - Get yourself a game of squash.

- After you, William. - No, after you.

Come on, don't be a pain in the ass.

Alright.

- Hi, Shirley. - Jack, how are you?

- How byou doing baby? How's business? - Okay.

- Well, that's good. How's the kids? - Just fine. Fine, thank you.

- You're looking beautiful. - You're not looking too bad yourself. Bye!

- Take care now. - Flowers, you're a ponce, aren't you?

Hard to say what anyone is

I only mention it because personally speaking I could never bring myself to pay

William, people make love for so many crazy reasons.

Why shouldn't money be one of them?

Hi, Wally. - Hi Jack.

- Mr. Tan, you're looking good. - Business is good, Jack.

- Oh it is? - Where can I get a wash?

- What? - A wash.

Right through there.

- Guess who's back in town. - Nancy from Bangkok?

- That's right. Be here a couple of weeks. - This week, very bad.

- Moving the office. - I understand - See you in two days.

Fine, any time Listen, do you want to buy my car?

- How you gonna get around? - Well, you're not gonna drive it, are you?

- Jack. - What?

- You bring Coca-Cola girls to ship? - Yeah, that's right.

- Too much! I hear people no like it. - What people?

They've been giving me the same dirty looks for twelve years now Now look, buy my car. 1500.

- Okay, Jack. - All right!

But... you no start house.

- But - Jack, Chinese people sometimes very awkward.

Mr Tan, you're a prince.

Boys, I want you to meet a very good...

Boys! Hey, boys!

I'd like you to meet a friend of mine from Hong Kong.

Oh! Dear old Honkers! How very agreeable! I thought you looked a bit stunned.

Did you by any chance bump into a chum of mine called Bunny Piecraft? In the Honkers and Chankers?

- I don't believe I've had the pleasure. - An incredibly nasty man.

The vilest habits you can possibly imagine

I daresay he's gone back to UK now for a spot of leave.

Do you ever go back to the UK yourself?

Oh, I used to. The last time I went back they passed a bill making homosexuality legal

I said to my wife, Let's get out of here before they make it compulsory!

What does your friend drink, Jack?

I'll take care of it, Walt. You want a drink, William?

I don't believe we've met. Yardley.

Leigh. I-E-I-G-H.

I-E-I-G-H? Not I double E?

- No, no. I-E-I-G-H. - Get that spelling, Froggie!

- Don't be a cunt, Yardley! - Just arrived, have you?

Yes, one hour and forty minutes ago to be precise.

- We like to be precise, don't we Froggie? - Of course.

Seeing we're sitting on the slagheap of life it's always a bloody good thing to know the time of day.

- Yardley is a philosopher, Jacko. - Yeah, I noticed!

- What's your friend drink, Jack? - What are you drinking, William?

- Let me think. A Plymouth Pink. - A Plymouth Pink!

Do you want a cherry in it?