Significant Mother

- Mmm. - Hey, buddy,

we're gonna watch TV at your mom's,

so the houseboat is all yours tonight.

Oh, no, it's okay. You know, I'm over the shock.

You guys don't have to keep avoiding me.

- You can watch TV here. - Oh, thanks, honey,

but Mr. Tickle Fingers gets a little frisky

when we watch Downton Abbey.

- (Inaudible) - Who am I kidding?

We'll never make it to my house.

I need you to go downtown on my abbey right now.

- I'm right here. - He's right.

- He's right there. - Let him watch.

He loves Masterpiece Theatre ,

and what you do down there is definitely a masterpiece.

- Oh, my God! - Hey, buddy,

I'm gonna go the extra mile tonight.

Can you hand me that?

Aah! Aah!

: I could never have sex

- with a machine. - (Lydia): Bloop.

- I'm a sex machine. - Ah! Oh...

Hey, buddy. Sorry. Was the TV too loud?

- No, I just had a nightmare. - Oh, honey, what about?

Oh, my best friend sleeping with my mom.

Thank God that's not true.

Oh, wait, yes, it is.

: Honey, I'm sorry we've been here so much.

It's just it's kind of hard

to get through an episode of anything without your father

coming by the house to make himself a sandwich.

Plus, I've got a special brew on tap just for binge watching.

It's called TV Night Light. Binge without the bulge.

Oh, and it goes perfect with a five-hour block

of Battlestar Galactica.

Wow, you guys have gone straight from The Graduate to This Is 40 .

What is that supposed to mean?

I mean, you skipped all the fun parts of dating,

like the dating... unless you guys are keeping this thing

on the down low in case the gild falls off the lily.

: No, that is not what...

our gild is firmly attached to our lily.

Yeah, our gild is firmly at... I'm sorry.

I don't know what we're talking about.

Nate is suggesting that we're not taking this public

because we're not sure if whatever's between us will last.

That is not what we're doing.

Yeah, that's not what we're doing.

So why haven't you gone on a date?

Because dates are old-fashion-y.

You know, we're just keeping it casual...

binging on the 'Flix,

Instagramming our breakfast, staying away from gluten.

You know, normal stuff millennials do.

Not all millennials do that.

Yes, they do. I read it on a blog.

Wait a minute. I'm confused.

Are you happy to hang out,

or do you want to go on a date?

: No! I don't want to go on a date.

No. I wouldn't... yes.

Yes, I want to go on a date,

one where we wear pants that aren't made of sweat.

I-I want to wash my hair. I'm a grown-up.

You know, millennials wash their hair.

Well, lather, rinse, repeat...

'cause I'm gonna date you.

- I'm so excited. - Good.

- 'Cause I'm gonna date you so hard. - Oh, my gosh.

Oh, I'm gonna date the crap out of you.

- Guys, I'm still here. - Right. I know.

Hey, buddy, I need your help. Wow, Sam looks good in a bikini.

Were you just Face-stalking Sam?

No! I...

a good boss makes it a priority to know his employees.

Inside and out,

and then back in, and then back out, and then back in, and...

Will you stop?

- I don't like Sam. - All right.

I just find it interesting that you haven't had sex in one year,

three months, and two days,

which is right when she started working here.

Jimmy, why have you been keeping track of that?

Because you're my best friend.

- You don't do that for me? - No.

That's weird.

Almost as weird as your year-plus drought

that apparently wasn't caused by anything.

It's caused by the fact that I'm focusing on the restaurant.

Look, if I wanted to, I could make it rain.

Really? 'Cause I'm looking at the forecast,

and all I see is sunshine.

Is there a reason you came in here?

Actually, there is.

I need your help planning my date with your mom.

I'm not helping you date my mom.

Oh, come on. I think she's expecting something really fancy,

and you know I've never gone past the casual hang.

I mean, I don't know where to start.

All right, what do you think of these?

A walking tour of Portland's public drinking fountains.

- No? - The Hat Museum.

- No. - Wizard Quest Dinner and Tournament?

Well, it says there it's magical.

I can't believe you've had sex with so many women

and you've never taken one on a real date.

Which is why this date is so important.

All right, I need to knock your mom's socks off

to make up for the fact

that I've already knocked your mom's socks off.

All right, think of it this way. If you were gonna take Sam

on a date, where would you take her?

How many times do I have to tell you?

I don't like...

wine tasting at Ponzi and dinner at Chateauneuf.

That's amazing, but I can't afford it.

What else you got? Come on, buddy.

Throw me a bone.

Turner was always there for Hooch.

Yeah, but if Hooch slept with Turner's mom,

it would ruin their partnership.

Well, it would also be bestiality.

- I can't do this on my own. - Yes, you can.

You know how to please my mom way better than I do.

That's the worst thing I've ever said.

- Nathaniel. - Hey.

You've got to try this kohlrabi.

I companion planted it with golden beets and hyssops,

so unlike your average run-of-the-mill German cabbage,

it has a surprisingly nutty finish.

Oh, well, thank you, Atticus.

I was looking for something to take the Oedipal taste

out of my mouth.

Yeah, listen, mate, um, I was wondering if you'd give

Samantha the autumnal equinox off of work.

When's the autumnal equinox?

That's funny.

- Oh, Saturday. - Sure.

- No problem. - Oh, thanks, mate.

Are you taking Sam on a special date?

- What do you got planned? - Well, my inquisitive friend,

the equinox is a time of transition.

So when the sun sets,

I'm gonna take our relationship to the next level.

- You're gonna watch her pee? - You're gonna propose to her?

No. No, I'm gonna shag her outside

with the stars up above and the dirt down below.

It's the next level for shag mates.

What about you, Nathaniel?

You got someone special to share the equinox with?

: Just his customers...

Nate's really focused on work right now.

Well, there's no reason you can't mix business with pleasure

and pleasure someone in your place of business.

Yeah, the equinox is as good a time as any to make it rain,

and if you aren't into Sa... aving yourself

for marriage, then there's, uh, no reason not to.

You know what? You're absolutely right, Jimmy.

There's no need to check the weekend forecast,

because I predict it's gonna

be cloudy with a chance of my balls.

It's raining men!

Men... I... it's not... I'm the... I'm just gonna...

Man, I always thought he was a virgin.

Buddy, hey, your mom keeps asking me what to wear,

and I am nowhere with this date, but what do you think of...

Jimmy, I told you I'm not gonna help you date my mom,

so you'll have to figure this out on your own.

- And I told you I can't. - Then I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to find another Turner.

Fine, but don't blame me if your mom wears a sport coat

to something that doesn't involve sports.

- That's fine. - By the way, that chick

is totally checking you out.

Yeah, well, I hope she's got an umbrella 'cause

I'm gonna make it rain.

Hi. I'm Nate. I own this restaurant.

Would you like to get a drink sometime?

Yes. How about right now?

I asked for a gimlet, like, forever ago.

Oh, yeah, we...

Oh, there it is.

My man.

Hey, you, what's the book about?

It's about a creepy guy that stalks pretty girls.

: Double fault.

That's got to hurt.

You saw all that?

You know, you would have an easier time

if you rallied with someone with a bit more experience.

- I'm Pepper. - Hi.

But my friends call me someone with a bit more experience.

Give me a call if you want someone

to help you with your stroke.

I'll bet she could go five sets without taking a break.

Sam, that woman's my mother's age.

So what? She's smoking hot.

Plus, it looks like she's a sure thing.

Look, even if I wanted to, I can't.

I have to work tomorrow 'cause you're taking the day off