Man Seeking Woman

- Let's see, I see here that you would like

to go back on birth control?

- Yeah, I'm in this new relationship,

and we really want to stop using condoms, so...

- We would recommend that you take a quick questionnaire

about common risk factors for STIs.

Yep, okay.

Great.

Now, are you an intravenous drug user?

Not that I know of.

- Do you have sex with multiple partners?

Only on a good night.

No.

- You know, I know some of these questions seem silly.

We just have to ask.

- I'm sorry. Totally.

- Have you had sex with Mike Scaggs?

What?

- Have you had sexual contact with Mike Scaggs?

Again, I know some of these questions are silly,

but we're just trying to identify

the most common ways that people contract STIs.

That's...

Mike Scaggs is the guy I'm seeing.

- Great, let's get started on your physical.

Scooch down.

Ah!

- I've never even heard of a lot of these diseases.

- I know, but all negative, so...

Mike really gets around, huh?

- Yeah, he was a... single guy.

He slept with a few people.

But he... you know, those days are behind him.

- So you guys are an official couple now?

- Like, not, like, official-official... official.

You know, like, it wasn't, like,

written down in the hall of records.

You know what I mean?

Guys, we hang out almost every night, okay?

He threw me a birthday party.

He's totally my boyfriend.

We just haven't had, like, the talk yet.

- Okay, well, there's no rush, right?

- Uh-uh. - Yeah.

- In its own time. - Yeah, keep it cazh.

Yeah.

Oh, I need a kiss.

Hey, babe?

Hey, um...

Mike, I was wondering,

can we talk about something for a second?

- Yeah. What's up?

- Um, I've been thinking a lot about, you know,

you and me, us, lately.

- I think about us all the time too, baby.

I'm so glad we talked about that.

- Uh... - Ooh, you look cold.

Let me grab you a jacket.

There you are.

Hey.

So, um, as I was saying,

you know, we've been seeing each other for a while now.

Yeah.

- And we like each other so much.

Totally agree.

Mike!

Michael, listen, I feel like you're being

a tad bit evasive here.

We really need to talk about our relationship.

Wahh!

Hey! Baby!

Mike!

Hey!

- Okay, we are just two little pitchers away

from free nachos.

I think we can do it. Do you think we can do it?

Yeah, totally.

Listen, I want to talk to you

about something that happened yesterday.

Is that all right?

- Yeah, totally. What's, uh, up?

- Okay, um, I... I've been trying to have

this serious conversation with you,

you know, and I felt like instead of listening to me,

you, you know, just, like, flew out of the window

with the impossible grace of a wingless crane.

- Wow, I'm sorry you felt that way.

I just thought the conversation was over.

Want some quesadillas?

- Babe, hi. - Hey.

- What I want more than that is to clarify.

I just need you to tell me, you know,

am I your girlfriend or not, that's it.

Babe!

Is this what you've been worrying about this whole time?

Yeah.

For real? Baby.

- I know it's silly. I just...

Just... come here.

Ahh!

Mike!

I understand your predicament.

Sounds as though you have a very worthy opponent.

Yes, Master Chang.

I will teach you.

But are you certain you wish to catch

that which does not wish to be caught?

The slippery eel, once captured,

is not so delicious.

I don't care.

I want the eel.

Hmm.

[woman singing in native language]

Hmm.

- -

- Master Chang! - Hmm?

I've been at this for hours.

It's late, and I'm exhausted,

and I still haven't learned anything

about doing battle with Mike.

What is the meaning of all of this?

You must be patient.

For you to capture the slippery eel...

Oh, God, more eel.

- Hmm. - Okay, I gotta go.

Thanks, I guess.

I gotta go.

Hey.

Where were you?

Did you forget we had dinner plans?

- I'm sorry, I just got home way later than I thought I would.

So where were you?

- Oh, I was just training with some ancient martial arts master

on a mountaintop who's stupid.

Do we need plates?

So you were with a guy?

- It's no biggie. What's wrong?

I just think it's kinda weird

that I'm waiting around all night

while some old guy is skeezing all over my girlfriend.

Ahh!

How did you do that?

- I think I can answer that question.

You see, my method was not about training at all.

It was about spending time away from Mike

with another dude, creating uncertainty.

- Right. I'm sorry I ever doubted your ways, Master Cheng.

So, um...

I should tell you, I've never exactly done

the boyfriend thing before.

Oh, babe!

Don't you worry.

You're gonna be great.

So what are we gonna do tonight?

Hey, have you ever heard of this game

called Cards Against Humanity, hmm?

It's so fun!

- - Yeah.

Wow.

How 'bout charades?

Oh, babe, can you...

I... I get it.

I... totally, I get it.

I will just, uh, head on out, I guess.

So, um...

See you later.

- Hi, yes, two coffees for me and my girlfriend, please.

- So I'll see you after work tonight, girlfriend?

I can't wait, boyfriend.

- Thanks. - Ah, thank you.

- Bye, babe. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

- I texted you. You saw it?

Yeah, I just got it.

- Cool. Just making sure.

Miss you.

Sorry.

- How do you want to make your clients happy?

You...

I am going to put on vibrate.

- Yeah, let's do that. Okay?

There is no...

Okay, break room tips. If it's not yours...

You okay?

Yeah.

Hmm? - Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

Tell me what's up.

Ugh, okay, fine.

I... I just think it's kinda messed up