A Haunted House

Why isn't this stupid thing workin?

See, that's that bullshit.

I'm taking this shit right back to Best Buy.

Or not.

Stupid lens cap.

Wow!

Brand-new camera.

I'm filming everything with this.

Christmas, New Year's, vagina.

All right. Today is the big day.

My girlfriend Kisha's moving in.

Now, all my boys keep telling me, "Don't do it, don't do it,

because everything's gonna change."

"She's gonna take over your house."

"She's never gonna cook again."

"And worst of all,

you're putting your dick in jail."

I think they're trippin'.

Once she moves in, everything's gonna be perfect.

Place looks nice.

Baby boy cleaned up for you, huh?

Oh, shit!

Rosa!

Hey, you gotta announce yourself.

You can't just creep up on me.

Aw, come on. This is my housekeeper, Rosa.

Say hi. Say hi. Say hi!

Hi! Hola. Say "Hola." Hola.

Bye-bye!

No, no. We gonna say hi the right way.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!

Do this. Oh!

I'm a big bambino?

You know I love you.

Hey, Shiloh! Say hi to Mommy.

I'm gonna hump you on your leg, Kisha. That's right.

And I'm gonna lick you all over your face

with my dog-ball mouth.

Oh, shit. Here she comes.

Hi, baby!

Hey, baby! Hi!

No, no, Shiloh! Wait! No, no, no, no!

Shiloh! What did you do?

I didn't see him! What did you do?

I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God! (SCREAMS)

Shiloh, come on, breathe.

Maybe he's just playing dead.

He doesn't know how to play dead.

He knows how to shake hands. He knows how to fetch.

He knows how to roll over.

He don't know how to play dead.

Come on, Shiloh, breathe.

One, two, three. Breathe.

Aww!

Give me the jumper cables. The jumper cables?

Give me the goddamn jumper cables!

Don't you die on me!

Start the car!

Clear! Go!

Oh, shit!

Meet me at the hospital!

The hospital's that way!

Don't go towards the light, Shiloh!

You're in a better place now, buddy.

I'm so, so sorry.

It's okay, baby.

It's... It's not your fault. Yes, it is.

You know, look... Look on the bright side.

I'm allergic to dogs.

I know, but that's what was so great about Shiloh.

He was hypoallergenic.

Shiloh!

Oh, my God! Look at all this shit.

Okay, Malcolm, this is the last box.

What's with the camera?

I'm documenting our lives together.

Say hi.

Hi! Okay. Mmm.

That ass lookin' nice, baby.

Hey, hey. Pan up, pan up. I see that.

Baby, you are officially a hoarder.

I swear to God, I'm gonna open one of these boxes

and find, like, a dead cat and an old baloney sandwich in it.

Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.

Oh, my God. Do you need these?

Yes! These are... For what?

These are good wedding shoes!

One to 10, what are you feeling right now about that?

Um, 8.7.

What do you feel about that? Nine. Nine.

That's a nine? Yes.

No, wait! Come on. Come on. What's this? Hold on.

This is a box that my aunt brought from Kenya.

This is a nine, too.

Oh, my God!

Say it.

Hi, my name is Kisha Davis, and I'm a hoarder.

There's shame.

Oh, wow.

Are these your daddy's ashes?

Yes, Malcolm. They go where I go.

So, we're gonna have his ghost watching over us?

That's comforting.

Just put him in the other room. He likes to watch TV.

He's dead. What's he gonna watch?

American Horror Story?

Okay, babe, these video games, they have to go.

Wait. Leave my video games alone. They're tacky.

Give me my camera!

Kisha, stop playing. You're gonna break it.

I'm not gonna break it. Give me my camera!

"Negra?" Did she just call me a nigger?

What? What?

I will lambada your ass!

English! English! Speak English!

Baby. Baby. Baby!

You know she don't like me, right?

Oh, I know what's going on here.

Are you banging Rosa?

You got some Schwarzenegger stuff going on in here, right?

Really? Yeah, okay, yeah.

She's pregnant with my love child right now.

Yeah, we're gonna have a nappy-haired baby that speaks perfect Spanish.

Come on. Think about it. Okay.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Hungry there, buddy? Mm-hmm.

You're over there eating like the Cookie Monster.

Can I just enjoy my food, please?

Wow. Somebody's crabby.

I'm sorry. I'm just tired.

I haven't been sleeping well. I keep hearing these noises.

Scary.

Well, you don't have to be afraid, okay?

'Cause you're living with me now.

And nobody's gonna hurt you on my watch.

Okay? Okay.

Unless the nigger got a gun.

Then you on your own.

What?

Hey, baby, what you doin?

Well, it's time to put on something a little more comfortable.

Aha! That's what I'm talkin' about!

Fellas, get out your pen and pads.

We about to give you a sex tutorial. Let's do this.

Mmm. Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, you got the beat!

Oh! Stop. (SHUDDERING)

Stop. Not yet. Not... Ahh!

You gonna bring a friend there, huh?

Ah. Ah.

Uh-huh? Watch that. Uh-huh.

Now you get some, yeah. Watch. Watch.

Ah, taste that.

Look at Daddy. Uh-huh.

Two dogs, one duck.

Get it nasty. You nasty.

Go home.

I want you by myself. Yeah.

Shh.

Oh. Oh, shit! That's still hot!

Shut up. Take it. You just take it.

Take it, take it, take it.

Baby! Yeah, baby?

I cannot believe this is our first night living together!

Yeah. It's nice, huh? Uh-huh.

I can't wait to lie next to you.

Oh, me, too. Gotta go, baby.

It was fun.

Whoo!

Get in.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Here I come!

Okay, honey.

Baby, you are the sexiest woman...

What the hell?

You know, Malcolm, not everybody goes to bed looking like a supermodel.

Apparently not. You know?

Besides, what is wrong with my outfit?

Nothin', if you lived in a box underneath the freeway.

What?

Come on! Hold the sign up, please?

Can I go to bed?

No, you gotta get the joke first!

Come on.

All right. Okay, fine.

Okay. I'm ready.