Screwed

Willard, bring in the videocassette recorder.

Aah!

Suddenly, I realized that, uh, I don't have a pension plan.

I don't have a health plan. I don't have a dental plan.

I don't have--

Willard.

Willard!

Willard!

Willard!

Willard!

Where the hell is my blue hat?

I, uh, I don't know, Miss Crock.

Do you expect me to go to my 10:00 meeting like this?

Oh, no, no. Absolutely not, Miss Crock.

I'll-- I'll help you find it.

I'm cold! Taking a coffee break, lazy bones?

All right, this is a good job. This is a good job.

Aha! I should have known it was you.

Uh, you know, Miss Crock, you have such an appreciation of fine clothing,

I was thinking maybe it was time you buy me a new uniform.

You look just fine to me, Willard.

And you're dismissed.

But it's disintegrating. The buttons are barely hanging on.

Oh, Willard, that is a terrific suit.

Your father worked for me for 30 years.

Wore that suit every day. Never complained.

Yeah, and then he died, and then at the funeral,

you made the undertaker give it back to you...

so you could stick me in it for another 15 years.

Just what are you implying?

Miss Crock, it's Christmastime.

I'm only asking for a new uniform.

Only a new uniform?

And pretty soon it'll be only a new broom, maybe.

And before you know it, I will be only bankrupt.

Now, would you please get out of my sight...

before I kick you in the ass?

It's not my fault you have frost on your strawberries.

We have a contract.

Oh, well, then, I'll see you in court.

Excuse me, ma'am. I've got the Danish.

Okay, bring them in.

Miss crock, I'd like you to meet...

Gunn Froling, Erland Vetterlund,

Per Malmsjo and Bertil Guve.

The executive team from Copenhagen Snak Food.

I'm just flattered that you're even considering my little factory.

Ja. Ja. Lovely output.

Oh, that's terrific, Gunn. You are truly a great Dane.

Come, gentlemen. I'd like to show you the bun room.

I'm sure you're gonna love it.

It's just past jellies and creams.

What a bunch of bores.

I never know what the hell those guys are saying.

Never mind about that. Do you think we've got a deal?

Does Big Boy have a weight problem?

Mm-hmm. Soon you're going to be the richest,

prettiest, sexiest lady in the entire pastry industry.

I've told you, Chip,

not in the office.

Hey, nothing says Christmas eve like some hot spicy chicken wings.

All right!

If they're so goddamn yummy, how come you only show up when it's free?

- Hey, there he is. - About time.

Can you believe it? The old prune had me cleaning her chimney.

Oh, she thinks Santa's coming to pay her a visit.

Now, look here. Be careful with this 'cause it's kind of strong.

Willard, you need to make a new year's resolution--

quit working for the ball buster.

Show her who's boss, man. Take a shit in her soup.

Thanks. That's real constructive.

You know the way things are: a man has a job, he holds onto it.

In your case, till he dies of old age.

Yeah, like my old man.

You know what he said to me on his deathbed?

He said, "Stick with Miss Crock. You'll get ahead."

I don't know what he was talking about.

Merry Christmas, Willard.

Merry Christmas, Rusty.

Oh, chip, it's beautiful.

Now open yours.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh, Virginia, what a sweet gift!

Well, I know how much you like money. It's $50,000.

You can buy anything you want with it.

What are you standing around for, Willard?

We don't want a mess now, do we, on Christmas?

Will that be all?

That will not be all.

Merry Christmas.

Miss Crock, I wasn't expecting this.

I thought of something, and I knew you'd be thrilled to death with it.

Oh, Miss Crock, God bless you.

Open it! Open it! You are a good woman.

- Hey, what's this? - Your favorite.

Mincemeat pie.

Where the hell is my suit?

Oh, goodness gracious. Sakes alive. I thought you'd like it.

Like it? Yes.

I-I put a pair of cuff links in there as well.

Oh, you went all out, didn't you?

A pair of crackerjack cuff links and one shitty pie!

Hey. Hey, man. What are you doing?

I thought we were going to Leroy's Christmas kegger?

Yeah, well, Miss Crock said I gotta spend a night in the box.

Damn, it's like a Filipino prison.

Get in that sweatbox! Leave me alone!

Fine.

Uh, feliz navidad.

Oh, just in case you get hungry.

- Beat it. This is my dinner.

Oh, you rat, I'll squash you.

Come here.

Whoa.

I can't believe I've tolerated him for as long as I have.

He's just a user. Willard's exploited your generosity.

That's exactly right.

I mean, his father, Teddy, was a nice man.

- But enough is enough. - Really.

Well, tomorrow, we'll-- we'll fire him.

Throw his stuff in the furnace.

Santa Claus must be stopped.

- There will be no Christmas this year. - You got that right.

You're not gonna believe this.

The old grinch is gonna fire me.

That's ridiculous, man. Why would somebody fire their slave?

Because she's mean. She picked Christmas day to do it.

Damn! You need revenge.

Revenge! We need revenge!

Revenge! We need revenge!

Let's kidnap Santa Claus. We'll break into his North Pole toy shop and seize him.

Maybe those moon men are, uh, are onto something.

You mean we should kidnap Santa?

Wait a minute. Why don't we just kidnap Miss Crock?

That's crazy. No, that's brilliant.

We'll grab granny, we'll hold her ass for ransom.

And if they don't pay, we start hacking off her fingers.

First her thumb, then her pointer,

then her little nasty finger.

Hey, man, what are you talking about?

We're not criminals. You fry chicken, I drive a car.

When that money comes rolling in, I'll go crazy, man.

I'll-- I'll laminate my menus.

Hey, shut up, okay?

We know nothing about kidnapping an old lady.

Hey, but what about her dog?

You mean Biscuit? No, Muffin.

Yeah, she loves him more than anything in the world.

I bet she'd pay plenty for that old bag of fleas.

Yeah, I bet she'd pay a million bucks.

Remember, we have to be quiet inside the house.

Miss Crock is a light sleeper.

You ain't gotta worry about me.

This place is nice.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm checking for electric eyes.

There's no electric eyes.

How do you know that? They're invisible. Trust me.

I've lived here my entire life.

So, this is where the old bitch sleeps, huh?

Shh.

Okay, give me the weenie.

Okay, Muffin. I have a special treat for you.

Oh, cripes.

What kind of aim was that?

Muffin, Muffin, bite my weenie.

Oh, the hell with this. Plan B.

- Will you shut that dog up?

Aah!

- Shh. - You bastard!

Oh. Mm. Shh.

Aah!

Aah!

Hey, would you keep it down?

Ow! Keep it down? This thing is eating my hand!

Aah!

Oh, Jesus, this is a nightmare!

Put him in the box!

Who's smarter, huh? Now who's smarter?

What should it say?

Um, um, we've got him.

Pay us $1 million, or he's a dead dog!

How does that sound? Fine.

Let's get the hell out of here.

One million dollars! This is the happiest day of my life.

- Yeah, with that money, we can do anything. - I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna buy me a four-star chicken hole.

I'll get a better neighborhood and a listing in the Zagat guide.

I'm gonna go someplace warm where you don't need layered clothing.

Start over. I got some good years left in me. I can better myself.

I'm gonna register at one of them four-year universities.

My friend, here's to second chances.

Did you have a lovely sleep, Muffin? Oh, yes.

Now we'll have a lovely breakfast, you and--

oh, my... God!

Oh, my God. Look at me.

Muffin, look what they've done to your mother.

I don't know--

"We've got him.

Pay us $1 million, or he's a dead dog."