That '90s Show

Gwen, my grandparents get back from Paris this week.

-And I don't want there to be a huge mess. -Oh yeah. Worry about me and not that.

I see the hole, Gwen.

I see it now. I see it when I'm sleeping. I see the fricking hole!

Grandpa... it's been over a week.

Are you sure we shouldn't have hired professionals?

Hey, your great-uncle Spogiera

watched them build the Empire State Building.

Show some respect.

But we're almost done. Just got a few more doodads and whatnots.

Your head is like an empty bucket.

Italian burn.

Well, you can both relax.

We have till Friday to put on the finishing touches.

Yesterday, you said they get back Tuesday.

Tell me you wrote it down. Our lives are on the line, Bob.

I don't need to write it down.

They're coming back on the same day I get my haircut.

When is that?

That, I don't remember.

Grandpa, that means they're coming back...

Today!

My kitchen!

Someone's gonna die.

Hello, Wisconsin!

It's over, people.

They'll board up the basement and send me to Chicago.

I'll die before I go back.

Don't worry. We're gonna run away together.

I'll be Thelma. You'll be Louise. We both have the hair for it.

-It'll be us against the world, babe. -I think the world's gonna win.

My parents can't know about this.

They lost it when they found out I got a belly button ring.

Your parents are tough.

Can I see it?

I'm not worried about the hole in her belly.

I'm worried about the hole in my kitchen!

No, I'm not worried. I just wanted to see it.

Guys, we're good.

We were just innocent little kids

left under the care of this reckless guardian.

No, no. I'm not going down like that.

I will throw you all under the bus.

-Even me? -Yours is the only name I know.

Hey.

Before you start yelling... how was Paris?

It was nice.

The weather was good.

The food was... so-so.

And there is a hole

in my house!

All of my cups are broken!

My teacups, my coffee cups, my gravy cup.

I know it's a boat! I am upset!

-We didn't mean... -No talking!

I am bringing down the hammer!

None of you will ever see the pictures of my trip.

Not even the ones of the kids smoking.

That is cruel but fair.

I speak for everyone when I say we've learned our lesson.

You're not getting off that easy.

I need a name, and I need an ass!

My name's Nate, and this is my ass.

It was all my fault, okay?

I was speeding and air drumming, and I drove my van into your house.

The rest of you can go.

You are going to pay me back in misery.

I am going to tell you the names of every porcelain figurine you murdered.

Starting with Annette.

She was the swan that held my napkins!

Bro.

What are you doing? You need your ass.

This is a good thing. I saved everyone

so Nikki will think I'm a hero and fall back in love with me.

That... will work.

I know.

You're the only person I can tell about this, so...

I need you to put it in the vault.

Better hold that key just in case.

Cold.

My whisk is flat!

Good luck, bro.

Her whisk is flat!

Which means I have to take her to Bed, Bath, and Beyond!

My own personal hell.

So, welcome to yours.

You're gonna take me suit shopping?

-No. -

But be prepared for pain,

sweat, tears, and humiliation!

That sounds a lot like suit shopping.

Nate is such a hero.

Grandpa Bob?

Disappointing.

-Why did Nate do that? -I don't know.

Nobody knows.

I feel so bad.

This is why I'm happy I was born without a conscience.

You sound like a serial killer.

They get stuff done.

We should get him something to make up for all this.

Something he'll love. What's he really into?

Professional wrestling.

On his birthday, we have to save an extra piece of cake

in case Rowdy Roddy Piper stops by.

It always ends in tears.

Before bed,

Nate poses wearing nothing but his title belt.

How do you know that?

Sleepovers.

They have one every week. It's called the Sleepover Crew.

Don't say that name out loud. It gives them power.

What's that I'm hearing?

Oh. Jealous.

Jealous.

Who's the Party Animal?

He's a wrestling superstar. You sound ridiculous.

You like wrestling?

Sweaty, muscle-bound guys grappling in theatrical costumes,

calling each other names?

These are a few of my favorite things.

Problem solved. We'll get him another of these little naked guys.

No more of those.

Every time he takes a bath, there's, like, 20 of them in there.

What was wrong with my idea?

You never said it.

Oh.

Well, there's a wrestling convention in Milwaukee.

The Party Animal's gonna be there.

I really never said any of that?

-Then let's all go and get this signed. -You know what we need?

Someone who doesn't go.

Yeah, I've been in one of those figurine baths.

I think I've paid my dues.

Fine. We'll do it.

-You better pee before we leave. -I don't have to go.

I've heard that before.

Go have a seat and see what comes out.

All right, Mr. Forman. Finished cleaning the driveway.

No cavities, so, uh...

see you in six months.

I'm glad you still have your sense of humor.

When the laughter dies, I know I've done my job.

Now, go get rid of that hornet's nest in the backyard.

That's dangerous.

I need a special suit for that.

A suit?

I wonder if Men's Wearhouse is open.

Okay! I'm going.

You want me to do everything, lazy son of a bitch.

You kissed Aunt Maria with that mouth?

My Maria, I dream of kissing her again.

I miss her too.

-Maria. -

Red, we're gonna cut out early 'cause we're too sad.

-See you tomorrow. -No!

Tomorrow is our special day.

I promised him Six Flags.

See you next week.

Don't bother. You're fired.

For what? We didn't do anything.

We didn't do anything.

It's cool. They're sleeping.

- -Save yourself!

- -

You seriously took one of those action figure baths with Nate?

It's how I got him to take a bath in the first place.

Hey, girls.

Mrs. Forman, you seem like you're feeling better.

Well, my blender was spared, so I made some margaritas.

I gave it some thought,

and I'm only punishing myself if I don't show you my vacation pictures.

There's three more bags upstairs.

Freshly developed pictures.

Who wants a hit?

Okay, let's do this in order.

Oh no. My pickled eggs.

I'm supposed to take them out of the juice right now.

Right. Those things will get salty, and people will bring it up every Easter.

Seriously? Pickling?

I pickle.

Okay. So this is us at our layover in Atlanta.

It's a picture, so you can't tell. The sidewalks are moving.

And this is the lady who took our picture.

Her name is Diane. She's a stay-at-home mom from Tulsa.

And this is a picture of a picture of her kids in her wallet.

Hey, everybody! Ready to party?

Yeah!

I can't believe Nate's missing this.

I mean we're breathing the same air as the Party Animal.

Like, if he burps, we can suck that down.

I still can't figure out why Nate took the blame.

Who knows? I mean, life's a mystery.

I mean, we're made of stuff that's billions of years old,

but we can't buy beer?

-That's what we should be talking about. -What? You're acting so weird.

Nate told you why he did it, didn't he?

He did, okay? But it's in the vault, and my crotch is locked.