Cougar Town

I heard this great joke at work.

You work?

Shush it.

Okay, what do you call a pastry chef with no arms?

Are you talking about my friend Amanda?

Yeah, she can't be a chef anymore

since she lost her arms in that pilates accident.

Why do you always make jokes so sad?

This will cheer you up. I have really good news.

Are you sterile?

Wade and I are moving in together.

Well, congratulations.

Congratulations. That's wonderful news.

Ready to commit and handsome?

You are the total package, man.

You already have a best friend.

That doesn't mean I can't look.

Okay.

Welcome to the gang, Wade.

I only joined this crew a few weeks ago.

Huge honor. Don't blow it.

Oh, speaking of which,

we are out of wine.

And as the newest member--

I will buy some wine.

So, uh, what, two bottles?

- Two bottles. - Three bottles?

Oh, my God. Stop it.

Hey, guys.

Tom's worried since he's no longer the group new guy.

He needs a different role.

Group weirdo?

Group parrot face?

Group guy who's not really in the group?

But I was thinking more like a-a group cheerleader.

Someone who could make us feel special.

I'd actually love that.

Oh, no. It'd just be for me.

Fantastic idea, Jules.

Thanks, Tom.

I am never gonna get sick of this.

You guys, Wade is

such a great person.

I really think that I would like him

even if he wasn't black.

- Ooh. - Oh, wow.

- Ohh. - Yeah.

So how did Trav take it when he found out

you two were shacking up?

I haven't really told him yet.

Emergency meeting. Everyone out except Laurie.

What?

Hey.

I'm worried our kid's getting dumber.

Today I caught him in the toilet

wearing goggles.

Take him somewhere where he can learn something,

like the library.

- Mm. - Do it.

Sure. That'll be fun.

Man, I love the library!

Yee-haw!

See ya, suckers.

He finally outgrew his devil baby stage, huh?

Yeah, Stan's been a real angel.

But you know what that means.

He's plotting something,

something big.

No.

With all this Wade stuff, I have to ask,

how come you and Travis never happened?

Trav is... awesome.

You know, he's sweet and he's smart.

But it's weird.

You know, I saw him naked in the bathtub

when he was, like, 12.

To be fair, his body has changed a lot since then.

Wh-why would I...

What if things went bad

between me and Trav?

I mean, if I ever hurt him...

Well, I'd have to kill you.

Right.

No, seriously. I would kill you.

I've thought about it,

and I know how I'd get away with it.

My girl is super smart. She can murder anyone.

Thanks, Tom.

Oh, thank you, Jules.

I need you to be honest with me.

Is our friendship the reason why

the two of you haven't gotten together?

Sweetie...

'Cause it would kill me if I ever thought

that I was keeping Travis from being happy...

or you.

Yes, Travis and I have had...

all of those "almost" moments.

But if it was meant to be, it would've happened, right?

I just don't see us ever getting together.

I don't.

So you just moved in with the girl

that's never said "no."

I assume there's a lot of smacking, flipping,

and rubbing it down, oh, no?

Yeah, I actually like to keep our private life private.

She's already told you everything.

Told us, showed us videos.

By the way, you have amazing upper-body strength.

And beautiful glutes.

This, um, wouldn't be weird if we were at a gym.

- Yes, it would. - Yeah.

When we were younger,

I used to let Andy hit this constantly.

Now it's only on Sunday when Tom mows his grass.

The sound of the mower covers

the wheezing and grunting noises that Andy makes.

- Okay, I gotta go. - Where?

Anywhere.

Once a week on Sunday afternoons?

Girl, you nasty.

You think Jules doesn't tell me everything?

You guys only got married a few months ago,

and you only do it one and a half times a week.

Oh, yeah?

I have no comeback to that.

Another emergency meeting.

Why do we only have sex one and a half times a week?

Are we already old and boring, and what's the half?

That's that thing I let you watch me do in the shower.

Oh. Okay, yeah. Fair enough.

- Ellie, did you do this? - Yep.

Would it make it better

if tomorrow, we have the sexiest day ever?

Ooh, yeah.

Forget one and a half.

We'll turn those halves into wholes.

Ooh. It'll be all wholes all day.

Did I say something funny?

Not on purpose.

Okay, who's gonna tell Travis about Laurie and Wade?

I mean, this is sensitive, so I want to limit this

to the people who really need to be here.

I mean, Laurie, it's about you. Bobby, you're his dad.

Grayson, you're my husband. And Ellie's my rock.

It would've been easier to say "everyone but Andy."

Look, babe, if you want me to tell Travis,

I will.

That's not sincere.

Nope. Just trying to score points.

Okay, let's cut to the chase.

It's clear it has to be either the girl who broke his heart

or the suffocating mom.

Wow. When'd you finally realize

that you suffocate him?

Friday night.

I woke up in the middle of the night missing him,

and well, long story short, I broke into his place

and I crawled into bed with him.

And then his roommates "caught us," and whatever.

Just bad.

Again?

I know I should be the one

to tell Travis.

I just can't stand the thought of hurting him.

Oh. Maybe that's the answer.

Maybe we do sexy times once,

but I make it so bad

that it takes all of the magic out of it. Right?

Only, you guys, I don't know if I can be bad in bed.

Jelly Bean,

your head hurts when you try to solve problems, doesn't it?

- It actually does. - Fine.

I've gotta go to his place and get my mouth guard anyway.

I'll do it.

You'll do what?

Start our quiet contest now.

And go.

You rock, Jules. You're the quietest.

Shh.

You ready to start the sexiest day ever?

Let's do this.

Welcome to naked day.

Mm.

Did you ever notice

how many things in this house are boob-high?

I actually graduated from boob high.

Really?

You're right. Naked day's serious.

Come on. Let's have some coffee.

Nope. I have to stay in this spot.

It's the only place in the house

where the light really works on a 43-year-old body.

You look amazing.

Aww, thanks, honey, but watch.

"Top model."

"Top chef."

Oh, baby!

Oh, baby.

Morning.